Dire financial situ, parents offering to buy a minivan for me... wwyd?

[babygrey]

Want some insight on this. I'm in a pretty awful financial situation. My STBX walked out on us 2 months ago, taking all our money with him. I have been a SAHM for 3 years, although I have a good degree and almost certain job prospects with reasonably good income after my twins are born (I'm 34 weeks pg currently). STBX will certainly be paying CS, and very likely alimony for awhile. However, I haven't seen any money yet and the whole financial situation is super scary. I'm pretty much getting by on the kindness of friends and family.

I have no credit to speak of and no assets of my own. I now have ~10K of medical debt that STBX stopped paying on and a mortgage that isn't going to get paid this month unless STBX pays it (the house is unsellable- about 50K upside down, tho payments are very affordable- cheaper than rent in my area, so hoping VERY hard he'll decide to pay it until I go back to work); I'm likely going to be forced into bankruptcy after our divorce. My lawyer and I are currently working on payment plan, but it will likely be big and I won't discharge that in bankruptcy. 

Which bring me to my current dilemma. The twins will make kids 3+4. I drive a sedan right now. Oldest DC is not old enough to sit in the front seat (dual airbag and he is under 70lbs). Littlest DC is still rearfacing (think three in carseats in the back) The sedan is worth probably 1-2K, but I can't sell it right now bc STBX's name is on the title. I don't live in an area with public transit. DS does not attend our neighborhood school, which requires me to drive him or carpool him. Not walkable- probably 12 mile round trip. For a bunch of reasons, moving him to the neighborhood school is absolutely NOT an option for the remainder of this school year. Sooo... basically, I've been looking at having to beg rides for ODS after the babies are born and cross my fingers I don't need to transport everyone somewhere at the same time. (ha)

My parents have offered to buy a used minivan and to insure me in it, basically buying for me. They're not talking anything extravagant- 5-6K. They are financially stable, though not rich by any means. They would purchase it by getting a home equity loan. Estimate of payments are ~200/month. They have offered to make the payments for a year or until I can take them over. After the car title is worked out, I will sell the car and give the money to them. I obviously can't budget on an income I don't have, but that payment is likely very reasonable for me to make after I have income again.

I feel like accepting their offer isn't right. I don't know why. Part of me feels like taking on car payments when I can't buy food is ridiculous, but I'm not doing that. I've never HAD a car payment, so maybe that's it? It isn't the handout that is bothering me, per say, it is more that it seems somehow a bad financial decision for me to make, tho I can't articulate why. Taking on debt when you don't have income seems nothing short of stupid to me, but, in reality, that's not really what I'm doing. But still...

When I told them I didn't know if I could accept it, they basically said they really wanted to do it, in part out of kindness, but in large part bc they know I'll have to rely on them for transit for my family and ODS a ton if I don't have a bigger car. (its true)

So. thoughts? Am I crazy to accept? Am I silly to not accept? 

[bodhitree]

For me it would depend on what your relationship with your parents is like. If I were in your position, I'd accept in a flash, because my relationship with my parents is great and I would be able to trust them not to hold it over my head or use it against me in any way. If the relationship were toxic or difficult, I would probably not accept because it could add more problems than it solves, if you know what I mean. But assuming your parents are great like mine are, go ahead! It is going to be so hard to manage life if you can't go anywhere with all four of your kids at once. How would you do grocery shopping or run errands or go to dr appointments or do any of the other necessary things that come up?

Two hundred is not a very big car payment IMO (if you have to have one at all of course), and if you feel that your prospects for employment are reasonably good, then committing to making that payment starting a year from now is not a bad idea. Also, if you get to that point in time and it isn't going to work, then you could always sell the van then.

[crazyms]

I agree with the pp. If your relationship with your parents is good then I'd accept it because while yes taking on debt when you don't have income or getting a new vehicle when you don't even have a job sounds stupid its not like you have a feasible alternative. I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. Someone needs to fry your stbx's *@(#$*&!

[maciascl]

Even if you don't find a job right away, child support and alimony should go towards things like safe transportation for your children. Putting your oldest in the front would not be an option in anyway for me and neither would leaving the babies very much. I'd do it in a second.

I currently have 3 car seats across the back of a Toyota Corolla. DH lost his job and we had to turn in our van...then found out we were preg with #3 (SURPRISE!) It works but isn't fun...

[tessamami]

What about disabling the front air bag? Can't a mechanic figure that one out?

[chely7425]

It is possible to disable the front airbag, however most mechanics will not because of liability issues.  If I had a good relationship with my parents I would most definitely accept help like this from them.

[frugalmum]

Absolutely take any help offered to you!  I am shocked that your ex has not had his wages garnished yet and has left you 2 months without support?  This will reflect very poorly on him in court. 

[crazyms]

The airbag can be disabled but depending on the vehicle that could be difficult. Most are built into the dash and made to break the dash apart on impact. The dash would have to be broken to get to it then it's just a matter of undoing the wire but still not a great option. If odc is under 70 lbs then he's still pretty young and I (personally) wouldn't feel comfortable with him in the front seat even without the air bag. Without any other option that could be done but if a different more suitable vehicle is being offered I'd go that route but that's just me. I agree with the pp that your ex will get put down hard in court for this. Also make sure your parents keep the vehicle in their name because your ex will (at least in my state) have to provide you a vehicle. Have you filed for divorce yet? I'd check with the DA about the back child support. I think it varies a lot by area but in my state you can file a suit against them through the DA for the back child support.

[babygrey]

Thanks for all the replies so far. 

I'm less nervous now that i've heard others would take the offer. My relationship with my parents is good, so i don't have any worries about that. I think the issue for me is that I'm having a REALLY hard time not being financially independent and making my own decisions where money should go. When it comes down to it, if just HAD 6K to use, I wouldn't use it on a minivan (I'd use it on the mortgage, most likely. I really want to keep the house), so it is kind of hard for me to separate that, yk?

The airbag issue- I've looked into it a bit, and most places won't do it. I found one that would, but, yeah, like pp said, it would involve breaking up the dash and, TBH, it seems dumb to spend almost what the car is worth disabling a safety feature... but maybe it isn't? DS is 10yo. He's just really, really skinny. He's actually close to the 70lb mark (65lbs yesterday)- so I guess waiting it out and hoping he got there sooner rather than later would be an option. For some reason, I've had in my head that he'd have to be 70lbs AND 12yo to safely ride in the front seat, but in doing some research it seems like that isn't true?

Hm. WDYT about putting a 70lb 10yo in a seat with an airbag? 

Two more pieces of info I hadn't mentioned- part of what inspired my parents to offer was that the car I'm driving needs a bit of work. Not a ton, but probably 500 all told. Registration is up in April, as well, and that's another couple hundred. They are less inclined to loan me money to fix a car that isn't practical for my life than to buy the van, which I understand. This whole situation is just so awful, it is hard for me to prioritize, frankly.

Another option would be having my lawyer push to get the car title issue resolved asap. We are at the beginning of the divorce process, but I've been assured that at least one of the cars will indeed end up mine at the end of the process (the car he's driving is worth about the same). I could push to have the car granted to me now to try to sell. I've chosen not to do that bc a) it appears there are very few running minivans in my market for 1K and b) the cost in attorney's fees to GET the car in my name at this point, rather than later, when we're dealing with property would likely exceed the value of the car or come close. (we'd have to have a hearing bc he/his lawyers are oh-so-not inclined to do ANYTHING but make this impossibly expensive for me)

So, I guess that leaves a new option I'd like thoughts on- take the offer vs. ask parents for loan for the repairs/registration/air bag disabling (~1000 total). The car is very reliable, if that makes a difference. I hadn't seriously considered putting DS in the front until this point.

crazyms- thanks for your advice. for sure, i'll be asking for back support for these last two months. 

[insidevoice]

In your situation I would accept the offer of help getting into the van.  Not only is it easier in terms of logistics, you don't have to deal with your ex on the title.  It's hard to accept help, it really is, but your parents are offering to help, and if ever there was a time to accept it is now. 

Once things are filed and your ex is paying support, and you are back to work, you will have the ability to add this worry to your plate, right now you don't.  Let your family help.

[JesKace]

If your relationship with your parents is a good one, I would definitely take the Van.  They seem fully understanding that you have no income at this time and that is awesome that they are willing to let you have a year before you have to worry about paying them for the car.  Like you said, you may be able to sell your current car once the title is worked out and you'll be able to give them the money from that.  You really need to have a way to transport the 4 kids all together especially being a single mom now.  If there were to be an emergency and you had to take them all with you, you have to have a safe way to do that.  I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to get all 4 kids in the car you currently have.  Especially with such a small child having to sit in the front.  It's also not fair to have to try to get your oldest rides to school all the time after the babies come.  I think taking the van and having to pay your parents back is far better than worrying about how your oldest will get to school on a daily basis.

I'm glad you're working with a lawyer!  Hopefully you'll get some back child support or the STBX will at least get up to date on the mortgage and help you out with some bills so things don't get worse.  What a hard situation to have to deal with being so far into the pregnancy (with not just 1, but 2 babies) and having to do it all on your own now.  I hope everything works out okay for you!!!

[crazyms]

Yeah it'd be nice to get the title situation fixed but it's not really worth the extra money and hassle with the attorney's. Having your parents give you a loan for the money for your current vehicle is a consideration. I guess if it were me I'd probably talk to them about it. Just talk to them about your car and that option and see what they say. I can definitely see how it's hard to let go when you'd do something differently with the money if given the choice. I'd just mention the option to your parents and see what they say. I'm not sure about the seat thing. I'd consider letting a 10 year old ride in the front but I don't care for the airbags. (Don't care for them in general not just for kids those suckers hurt if they hit ya!) I would look at the value of the car though before checking on a loan to keep it running. I'd only really want to do that if the value of the car was okay enough that I could still get money out of it after selling it once the title is fixed. You mentioned above that you couldn't find a minivan in the budget of $1000 so I'm thinking this is what you would get for the car? If that's so then I wouldn't want to spend $1000 to keep it just to try to sell it later for a minivan when that won't be enough to get one. I'd rather get the one from the parents and then just give them that money to go towards it. At least then the vehicle would be more suitable for your family.

Slightly off topic but have you looked into any assistance like WIC? Are you planning to breastfeed the twins or have you breastfed in the past? WIC has breastfeeding peer counselors that work from home (except a meeting or two now and then). It's not a ton of money but it might be something that you can do to earn a little cash until you're ready to go back to work. The peer counselors are just other breastfeeding moms that work from home. Just a thought to maybe make you a little money while you're home with your babies.

[sarah_bella1050]

Wow, so sorry all of this is happening to you.  Hopefully you STBX will have to pay up soon.  I would take the offer, but let them know that you can't make promises for in a year, but that you will try everything in your power.  Also I wanted to add, have you tried applying for assistance through your county?  In your situation in CA they would give you several hundred in food stamps, medical coverage and hopefully enough cash to pay your mortgage.  They also have the power to get you child support moving and garnish wages.  

[bodhitree]

I don't think I would borrow $700 to fix and pay registration on a car that's only worth $1000, especially when it isn't a car that will meet your needs very well. I'm sure it has to be really, really hard to feel like you've lost your financial autonomy, and I can imagine you would be worried about keeping your house over getting a different vehicle. But since your parents are offering to help you out with a different vehicle and it doesn't sound like they're offering to help you out with the mortgage, I'd go ahead and get the van. It will make your life a lot easier, I think.

Sorry you're in this situation.

[frugalmum]

I agree that not defaulting on the mortgage is a higher priority at this point.  Could your parents possibly help with that too, and you could reimburse them when you get back child support/ alimony?

[crazyms]

Yes definitely check on the resources others have mentioned. I'm not sure what the eligibility guidelines are or how things may vary by state but I know my state offers food stamps, WIC, housing assistance, utility assistance, childcare and more.

[GirlBoyGirl]

If it were me (and my parents- which I know what our relationship is like and that it could handle that), I would do it. I don't know what you are going to do otherwise. You NEED a van! I have 3 RFing carseats right now, too and they barely fit in my minivan! I'm so sorry about your situation, I hope things get better soon. And CONGRATS on the boy/girl twins!!! I have a set myself, it is so much fun! They are eachother's BFFs!

[meetoo]

I would take the van. You really are going to need the extra space. Your going to need a double stroller at some point, groceries for 5 people at some point.  If they are offering I would take it. 

I agree with applying for every type of assistance out there too. As soon as you apply and they see he is not paying child support the state will go after him and garnish his wages.  

For your mortgage look into other charities, like salvation of army, etc. There has to be somewhere that would at least be willing to pay this month for you.   Also have you called the bank yet? Is your mortgage normally paid on time? 

[root*children]

The state won't garnish wages unless you are actually in the Dept of Child Support Enforcement's system, and if your ex is working on the books, as well as currently has work ... so unfortunately, it's not just as simple as PP said to apply for gov't help and they'll start garnishing wages.  We've been in DCSE's system for years and my ex was over $5K behind, and wages *just* started being garnished.  

Can your parents buy you a less-expensive minivan so that you can fit all the kids, but not have to sell it in a year?  You can get something with higher mileage (that can take higher mileage like Toyota or Honda) for only a couple thousand.  It just sounds like you're going to be stuck again in a year when you not only have to pay your parents back, but sell the van, unless I'm missing something here.

[GearGirl]

As hard as this sounds I would not take the car for all the reasons you have stated, but especially going into debt over a car is not practical in your current situation.  If you parents could pay cash for this car then I would say accept, but since they need to take a home equity loan for it I think it is a big mistake.  Instead I would clear the obstacles in front of getting your child in the local school.  It isn't just about the car, it will be very hard with twins to be doing the pick up and drop off needed.  The money is needed for a place to live rather than transportation for one child to go to school.  If you lose your house then what?  Will you be glad you have a minivan?  IF you take the $ then put your 10 year old in the front (break dash, disable airbag if you think that is needed) and work with it, pay the repairs and the fees, as  $750 is less than $6,000 even for a crappy car, and put the rest of the money aside to pay off monthly mortgage until things are settled with STBX and getting $ from him.  Then you at least know that you have a place for all of you to live and a car, instead of just a minivan and a foreclosed house.  I'm sorry you are in such a hard situation but you sound smart so go with your gut, and I think your gut is telling you that although a new minivan would be incredible right now, you are in need of more basic things like $ for where you live.