please, please, please...advice

[lightinmyhands]

I don't know where to post this for sure here, but this seems as good of a place as any....so here goes:

I've got a little girl that's about to turn seven.  I was young and in the midst of overcoming a lot of my own personal struggles when she came into my life and was frequently not the world's best mom.  She did get a solid AP foundation (extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, baby wearing, etc) until about age 2 when my personal issues could no longer be ignored and finally came to a head.  I was raised by a single mom who left me to basically raise myself (i learned to cook at age 7 so I could bake things as my friends did with their mom's,  and have something to eat besides mcdonald's or taco bell), so parenting the way my heart has told me was right has been a challenge as I have had no examples until I began to seek them out in my mid twenties.  So here we are, all of these years later--- she's got a sibling and I'm finally really getting the hang of this peaceful parenting thing.  With an exception.... the older one knows how to push all of my buttons and she's got a lot of anger inside of her that no matter how much better I've gotten at mothering, I can't seem to help dissipate.  I understand that a lot of her behavior is the result of my own mindlessness and I've got to lie in the bed that I've made so-to-speak, but there's another piece to it that has a genetic component --- both her biological father and I are extremely headstrong (still so much for him that it is continuing to cause him to self-destruct).  I understand that if taught to harness this energy and determination it could serve her well in the future, but right now, coupled with the anger, it just puts us butting heads all day long. She's easily frustrated and quick to anger (we're addressing  this issue with dietary changes and probiotics).... but the point is she's constantly screaming at the tiniest upsets, throwing tantrums any time something doesn't go her way, and at times of serious frustration she will hit anyone that happens to be near her.  It's exhausting me.  She takes all of my energy and I've often got nothing left for her sister or her step-dad, or even to refill my own energy reserves so that I may start fresh with her the next day.  We've tried talking to her, time-outs, grounding from favorite toys or activities, we've tried ignoring it and focusing on the positives..... we've tried sooooo many things. We recently moved a couple thousand miles from our home and it has been a positive change, I can see a glimmer of hope.  We're out of that backwards place with very little stimulating activities and into a place full of life and things to do.  Our entire family is much happier here, and that feeling is palpable.  I guess what I'm asking is.... how do I continue to build on this positive change?  I can see her want to be different here.  She tells me of her struggling to not be that way---to not yell and scream and hit... and I understand it's my job to guide her, to teach her different ways of being, to be more of a spirit guide on this life journey and less of a prison warden.  Any advice on how to help a seven year old reckon with their anger? what to do in the heat of the moment?  how to keep my own sanity at the same time.... and how to manage to take time to fill my own energy reserves?  There have also been positives on the diet front.... she's a bit hypoglycemic so we make sure she snacks often to avoid outbursts, she seems really glucose intolerant so the sweets are kept at a bare minimum and processed sugars just don't really ever happen anymore...... we just added the probiotics and I've got great hopes there.  The issue is, her step-dad wants me to punish her and I know she's too head strong for punishment to ever work.  I keep saying we need to help her to feel right in order for her to act right and I just want to love her through this, but even I find that extremely difficult when she's screaming in my face for the third time in a single morning.  If anyone has any advice or experience or any books they could recommend (raising our children, raising ourselves was seriously helpful, and I've read all of the commonly read parenting books--- but I am always open to more reading).  Thanks so much for taking the time to read this..... I guess since it feels like we're finally on the right track, what would be really nice is someone who could share any sort of similar experience.... some light at the end of the tunnel :)

Love and Light 

[Minalas]

First of, you already came a very far way, and that is great. You and your daughter can be proud of that. It will certainly help, if you let your daughter know how pleased you are with the changes that happened already.
My brother was as a child much given to tantrums. My parents approach was to teach him to withdraw, when the tantrum hit, and rejoin us, when he was feeling happy again. Basically, like a time out that is ends as soon as the child has regained selfcontrol. Once the tantrums were over they were treated as forgotten. No punishments involved, just some spatial separation while the tantrum hit to preserve everyones sanity - and his dignity. Being the one to decide for himself, when he was happy again gave him the feeling of being more in control of his emotions. Once he grew up, he didn't loose control anymore.

[madskye]

This is an old thread of mine where I got REALLY good advice that changed things between DD and I so much for the better.

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1262293/once-my-5-year-old-loses-it-i-can-t-get-things-back-under-control

I really, really recommend reading The Explosive Child.  The whole idea that your child is melting down because they need to learn to handle their emotions and that you need to actively show them in the moment by loving them, instead of showing disapproval or sending them into time out made a huge difference here.  You teach them to communicate and coach them to express themselves in an acceptable way.  Also coaching them with problem solving before the tantrum gets under way--which might mean you as the mom has to compromise, but in the mean time your child has learned an acceptable way of asking for what they want.

Hope this helps. 

[lightinmyhands]

that thread was super helpful---thanks so much! i'm feeling better already :)  How'd it work out for you, btw?  things have been very similar for us... i had the easiest baby and then at 3 it was like someone flipped a switch.  There are moments where it seems to be getting better and then she'll regress and it will be all screaming in my face again.  Sigh.  I think it would be helpful if i could let go of worrying what other people think of me/my child/my parenting and also stop worrying about how awful she'll be when she's a teenager.  I think if I can love her through this everything will turn out just fine.

thanks again! love and light.

F.

[madskye]

It's much better since I read the book and had that thread to support me.  And absolutely, once I stopped worrying about how she will turn out and what other people would think I was able to put my energy into really trying to help her deal with her emotions herself, instead of just doing what I told her to.  I don't know if it was in the book, or advice someone here gave me, but learning to handle your emotions positively and control herself in the moment is a skill that she just didn't learn easily or intuitively.  The Explosive Child advocates a lot of problem solving together--so you drop the hard line and when you see she is starting to get upset or things are going bad you say "Hey, you seem like you're getting upset.  What's up with that?"  Try to get her to tell you.  Ask her for solutions, and you definitely have to bend a bit, but what I found was that it wasn't forever.  It was almost like this was a stage that DD was stuck in, and once I started talking to her and working with her to find solutions, all that intensity on the ONE THING she had fixated on just really dissipated.  We haven't had a screaming in my face tantrum in months now. 

[madskye]

Here is something that happened today, that made me think of this thread.  DD started whining and crying at breakfast because she didn't want to eat xyz...she was winding up.  Instead of getting into a power struggle with her (because she had rejected toast, asked for rice crispies, and then rejected the cereal)  I said in a nice voice "Hey, what's going on?  Why are you whining and crying?" and she told me her tummy hurt and held out her arms for a hug.  I gave her a hug and then I think she ate five bites of cereal and moved on.  In the old days, that would have turned into a screamer.

[lightinmyhands]

I can feel my spirit kind of breaking.  I don't want to get up in the morning, and I stay up way too late at night after she's asleep so I can enjoy a little bit of my life.  I resent my DS for going to work and leaving me alone all day with her, even though I know someone has to earn money so that we can survive....  his new job makes this feeling even worse, as 12 hour days are the norm.  We live in a new city, in a new state where I don't really know anyone so with him gone all day 5-6 days a week, I literally feel as if I'm raising these two kids alone.  And our oldest is just too much for any one person for any considerable length of time.  Mornings seem to be the hardest for her and I haven't quite figured out why.  Some days she doesn't get enough sleep, but in general that is not the case.  She's just a crazy person from the time she wakes up until somewhere between 10 and 11 am.  And then it's like a switch is flipped... her tantrums and raving and freaking out sort of just stop, and she's an angel.  And then we have another difficult spell in the evenings about 4 o'clock.  I've already thought of both food and sleep and neither one of these seem to make much of a difference to the situation.  I've stopped expecting things of her during these difficult times, I don't ask her to do chores or any schoolwork and I try to make sure we don't have anywhere to be.  This has helped minimize things a bit, but I still find I'm having to walk on eggshells around her, avoiding as much interaction as possible.  I am really trying hard to maintain both my patience and my sanity..... hoping it gets better .... soon.

[Just1More]

Wow.  You sure have been through a lot!  It sounds like you are doing an awesome job trying to help your little girl.  I am impressed that you are being so observant and working so hard at this.  She has an awesome Mama!

You said that first thing in the morning, and then later in the evening, she has the hardest time.  Is it possible she needs more daylight?  Some people with mood disorders struggle without enough natural light.  Therapy can involve changing to full specrum light bulbs, and spending more time outside.  There is someone on here who highly recommends Vitamin D supplementation.  Maybe that would help?  I don't know if any of that was helpful, but thought I'd throw out another idea.

[Just1More]

You also said it didn't seem to be mood related, but first thing in the morning, it could take a while to get blood sugar evened out from a night of not eating.  Afternoons, at least at our house, tend to be another longer gap between eating.  Are her snacks protein based?