Left abusive husband nine months ago.. now need to file divorce/custody (also, role of PO?? his...

[muslimahmama]

I left my super controlling, abusive husband in May last year. I AM SO PROUD of myself. It has been over nine months now, and I am finally able to sit down and think about filing divorce and custody. My BIG BOY (as he insists on being called) was 2 and a half years old and I was 15 weeks pregnant when I left him.. my baby will be 4 months old soon. My ex is from India.. I lived in India with him for the first two years of our marriage. He was physically abusive, but I was so 'in love' with him, I didn't care. Once we moved to the US, he just got SUPER controlling.. like, I couldn't talk on the phone or he'd be upset, I had to do everything he said.. etc..he would wake me up at 1am and say HEY, let's go to your grandparents house, we'll get there in time for breakfast (they lived 5 hours a day) and if I refused, he would be such a dick for weeks. If he was fixing his car, I had to stand there waiting for him to ask for a tool even as my son was screaming for me. I can't believe I put up with it. About a year before I left, he started looking for women on craigslist and disappearing until 4am. I have NO IDEA why I stayed. We went to India for 2 months to visit his family and I tried to get close to him then.. he just laughed at me when I said husbands and wives should be friends.. Things just got worse and worse. I stayed I guess because I thought I had to. My family loved him, he was well known in our community and (I thought) well respected (after I left him I found out a lot about him) When I found out I was pregnant, he tried to force me to have an abortion. He just got SCARY. I started calling domestic violence shelters and did safety planning. Then one night his phone rang while he was in the shower and I answered it, it was a vulgar woman he had been lying to me about. I talked to her and confronted him. He laughed in my face and said he had never met her. I tried to be understanding and said we can work everything out. Well, he pushed me against the wall and kneed me in the stomach. I fell to the floor and cried, he sat down at his computer and started watching a movie. I grabbed my son and ran out of the house. I called 911 but have NO memory of it.. I was really surprised to hear what I said on the 911 tape when we were preparing for court. Anyway, I was in shelters for over two months, I had nowhere to go and had to stay to testify in court against him. After that, I moved to another state to be near my sister. Right now he is not allowed to contract me at all, but his probation officer has been calling me on his behalf which I am not even sure they should be doing? Today she called and asked me about tax stuff and if I was going to be asking him for child support. She actually said, "I want to know why you are denying him access to the children" I said I was NOT doing that, he had be abusive to me so I left and had no where to go, so I moved out of state. She said I need to work the visitation thing out soon. I feel like I need to file for divorce ASAP but don't have the money to do it.. my sister is out of town until the end of April so I have no one to watch my kids either. I am completely alone here, I haven't had a minute away from my kids since my 4 month old was born. I need to get a new restraining order against him (my old one doesn't include the baby, and it is from my old state and expires in May) but feel like if I serve him papers it'll just make things worse. I haven't even had time to think about my emotional well being. I keep everything bottled up. I can't find free counseling, I've called around. One place would see me but they didn't have childcare. I guess I am just rambling. But I am terrified. I don't think the courts would make me send my kids 1000 miles away to visit their father.. they are babies.. but he does have some rights to them. How does domestic violence play into custody/visitation?

[muslimahmama]

I'm sorry about how jumbled my post looks... I tried to make paragraphs, but they didn't show up!!

[SoulCakes]

Hi mama, I don't really have any answers for you but couldn't read and not post. You've been through a lot with this man -- I'm so sorry he treated you the way he did. It's beyond the pale. 

Have you thought about finding another mama near you to trade babysitting? Then you could make those therapy sessions, and also get some time to yourself at least once a week. You've been through so much, and you're emotionally taxed... you don't want to burn out as well.

Does he have a PO because he assaulted you? I don't know if his PO is allowed to contact you -- for taxes, ok, I wouldn't be bothered by that, but it's not really her place to ask about child support and DEFINITELY not "why you're keeping him from his kids." (And if he does have a PO because he assaulted you, I'm completely offended on your behalf that she even asked that question.) I'd phone her higher-up and ask if that's considered appropriate and possibly file a complaint. You could also request that they only contact you by post or email, possibly, although I'm not sure if you want to give them your address if you don't have to.

Definitely renew the restraining order. I don't know what you think may happen when you say it might make things worse, but as far as I can tell, it can only get worse if you DON'T renew. 

I want to say "Good luck" but it seems so... lighthearted, I guess. I'm wishing you all the best, and I'm so glad you got out of that situation. Be proud of yourself, and take good care of yourself and your little ones.

Oh, and the paragraph thing... I believe with these text editors you have to leave a free space between paragraphs for them to show up. 

[MissLotus]

It's awful and I'm glad you got away.  Have you had any legal advice?  I would definitely apply for legal aid, if you haven't already, and if there are any women's resource centers in your area, you can ask them for recommendations.  Even without legal aid, you can call attorneys who do Family Law and ask for a consultation (some do a half-hour consultation for free or a reduced rate).  You should do that immediately and certainly before you make any more reply to your ex's probation officer.  It seems inappropriate for that person to be asking you things that are a strictly legal matter - he needs a lawyer to ask you those things - and I would not say anything else to them before you get legal advice.

Your emotional well-being is of utmost importance, but I would make seeing a lawyer your first priority so that you and you children can remain safe.  And maybe print out what you've written here, to take with you, so you don't forget any details.  It's a lawyer who will guide you through the important stuff like "How does domestic violence play into custody/visitation?"

[blessingscome]

Call a local DV shelter for counseling. They may have a support group or offer individual counseling and they usually provide child care too. You can call around for lawyers and go into debt if you have to there. It's worth it when it'll affect your child in this way. I also liked the suggestion about calling the supervisor of the parole officer... that doesn't sound like comments a parole officer should be making!

[blessingscome]

Oh... and everynow and then (like now) the text editor doesn't let me make paragraphs either!

[blessingscome]

Oh... and everynow and then (like now) the text editor doesn't let me make paragraphs either!

(ok... now it messed up and double posted for me... it's just weird...)

[imogenlily]

It might be different where you live, but here, when the *police* tried to contact me on behalf of an abusive ex, it was considered illegal by a judge.

How domestic violence plays into visitation is a big, big issue/question, which a lawyer would probably be better prepared to help you with. Ultimately if you prove that your ex is violent/would not provide a safe environment, visitation will be denied to him. I don't know what he has a PO for now, but if it's a violent offense like assault or domestic violence, that will play into a judge's decision, certainly.

Like another user suggester, get in touch with legal aid! And document everything! As time passes details like dates, times, and who said what may be less clear in your memory. If you feel emotionally up to it, record the details you can remember of what happened in the past, in as much detail as possible.

[syn_ack89]

And my suspicious nature wonders about the person calling herself his PO. She could be a girlfriend taping you to try and get something against you. Especially considering she was asking about taxes (I hope you didn't give her any info like your ssn) and custody.

[Kwan*Yin]

Whoa. Do not talk to that P.O. again. Period. There is absolutley no reason for you to be in touch with that person and they are asking such inappopriate questions that I fail to believe it is his P.O. When I acquired a restraining order against my ex and he also had a probation officer I would contact that probation officer each and every time my ex violated our restraining order because it also means he is violating his probation. His probation officer always told me that she did not have the time to deal with this and that she had more important felons to keep an eye on. She also would tell me that discussing anything personal about  my ex was against code of ethics. Block those calls. Do not give out any personal information about yourself and the children to anyone. File for divorce when you can.

[Kwan*Yin]

Taping is pretty illegal in many states. You can began any conversation with I do not consent to being taped and this makes it inadmissable in court. If it is a state where it isn't legal anyhow it is automatically inadmissable in court.

[muslimahmama]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I am going to call legal aid today. I have no child care and no money FOR child care.. I think that is my biggest problem right now. The courthouse has workshops for domestic violence.. but I can't go without someone to watch my kids.

About his probation.. he has 3 years probation for assaulting me while I was pregnant. I am certain that she is his probation officer, because I called the Probation Office and asked to speak with her recently due to a violation of his. He has had three different probation officers assigned to his case since December. I DUE agree that it HAS to be against the code of ethics for her to ask these questions.. isn't her job to make sure he is following the rules of his probation? Isn't that IT?

She also told me I need to start sending email updates and photos to his mother so she can forward them to him.

I am just so confused about everything. I have been strong for nine months but don't know how much longer I can keep it up!!

[Kwan*Yin]

No, no, no. You do not need to send updates to his mom. Please do not speak to this P.O. again and please report her to her supervisor. She clearly doesn't understand what a restraining order is. Also where I live our local domestic violence shelter & office will provide free childcare while a woman goes through the court process. Please call & ask.

[muslimahmama]

I did call and speak to the PO's supervisor and she was very understanding.. she said that the PO is very blunt at times and that I do NOT need to answer any of her questions, nor do I need to send his mom updates. I am not the one on probation! She said she will speak to the PO and tell her that I left the state due to his abuse and he is very manipulative (he got my mom to turn against me even)

So, I am glad I called. She also gave me a number to a victims advocate and emailed her to inform her I'd be calling.

There is childcare at the court but only during certain hours and for certain things. I will be using it soon when I go to get a restraining order. I plan to do it sometime next week.

[imogenlily]

A domestic violence shelter or advocacy group in your area may either have childcare, or be able to refer you to childcare. If you were attending a support group, you might be able to find another mother in a similar situation to "trade" childcare with - you look after her kids while she does legal stuff, she looks after your kids while you do legal stuff.

[annekevdbroek]

That just sounds so stressful. I'm glad you contacted the PO's supervisor. If the PO contacts you again I would refuse to speak to her and inform her supervisor again that she called you.

Get a lawyer. Get a credit card if you have to, if you can, borrow money, whatever you have to do - and get a lawyer to help you file for divorce. Hopefully legal aid or the DV shelter can help you locate someone low cost or free. The most important thing you can do though is protect yourself and your children. It sounds like through the relationship history that you've had a hard time advocating for yourself and protecting yourself. This is something a lawyer can do for you on the court side of the issue- well worth the money, IMHO.

Best wishes!

[MissLotus]

You're taking good steps for the restraining order and so on - calling the supervisor was great.  That PO was more than "harsh", she was probably doing something illegal!  I hope the victims' advocate helps you, too.

I still would call lawyers for a consultation.  Above all right now you need legal advice to steer you in the right direction.  I don't know how many would be willing, but it's worth asking, when you call, if they'll do consultations over the phone - you can explain that you've left a situation of domestic violence, are in a new place with no money, and do not have childcare.  It can't hurt to ask!

[sheila562]

I found these useful links about Denver, Colorado DV legal help:

http://www.denverda.org/prosecution_units/FVU/Resources_for_Victims_of_Domestic_Violence_in_Denver.htm

I hope this info is helpful.  Please be safe and reach out to these trained professionals.

[goodmomma76]

You've gotten good advice!

Also, could you maybe check with local churches?  Alot of them offer free "mom's day out" childcare for a few hours once a week, and you might be able to use that and see a therapist, and meet attorney's and such!

We hope things work out!  Keep us posted.