Are there good resources for figuring out how to handle introducing new SOs to the kids?

[worthy]

I am nowhere near being ready to do this, but I think my STBX will be soon, and I want to have some understanding of "what is recommended" before it comes up.  I want to shelter my kids from it, but he's already indicated that he's interested in moving forward with two of our mutual friends (with their consent, already obtained, OMG) and my kids see those friends all the time.  They aren't strangers to my kids.  But the idea that Daddy would be ready to move on with other women only two months after telling Mama he wants a divorce - well, actually three weeks, but I begged him to wait, for my sake as well as theirs, and with a few bumps in the road I believe we do have an understanding, but it won't last forever... 

There wasn't an affair prior to his "asking for" divorce, but I just want to be ready to respond thoughtfully and calmly when he's ready to make that move.  He already said he sees nothing wrong with our kids seeing him develop relationships with other women.  Obviously I can't control what he does, but I can present a well-reasoned argument and hope to influence him to some extent.  I have asked him to wait temporarily until I have adjusted enough to this new reality (which I did not see coming) to be able to handle it gracefully in public when he is in a new relationship, and right now I feel incapable of that kind of grace.

Are there any books that address this well, and how to handle it if you're on the other side of things (i.e., not the one "moving on")?  I mean, how my kids might respond, what are healthy and appropriate boundaries, etc.  My DH is not great with boundaries or social norms, unfortunately.  Thanks for any suggestions.

[Oh the Irony]

The only thing I have seen is a section in the book Mom's House, Dad's House.  It suggests that meeting a new SO starts with just a casual meeting--maybe even just running into each other somewhere when you have the kids. Then maybe a short event where you meet up with no physical display like hand-holding. And then just very gradually spending more time.

Some people have it written in their legal documentation that a new person can't be introduced until 6 months of dating. It is not very enforceable however and would apply to both parties. There are two schools of thought that I am aware of: 1) don't introduce a new person until you know it is serious and 2) new people come and go all the time so it is okay for kids to meet casual dates.

Personally, I think it depends upon your social dynamic. I don't have new people over a lot so it would be a big deal to meet someone I was dating. If I was a social butterfly, not so much.

I don't remember if there is a time frame suggested for after divorce/separation.

It  is a bit different since he and the kids already know the women. You pointed out that you know you have no control and that is a wise thing for you to realize--and impressive so soon out of the "gate". It is one of the hardest things to deal with that you don't have the control over what happens when they are with the other parent.

I would get the book. Perhaps let him read as well. Present your calm case for waiting a bit and then attempt to let go of attachment to what happens next.

And are you sure there was no infidelity?

[Moochie Mamma]

Stbx and I are in the middle of a friendly divorce and have discussed this.  We've agreed to wait to introduce new SO's to the kiddos after we've been dating them a while and see it as something serious.  I don't have a problem with them meeting someone as another "friend" since both stbx and I have many friends of both sexes, just nothing that would indicate that there's more until we know there is more.  I just don't want to confuse the kiddos with bringing a bunch of boyfriends in and out of their lives (not that I'm dating a bunch of people lol!).  So far I've only seen 2 guys and that was either when kids were at their dad's house or when I had babysitter and was "going out with friends".

[Phoenix~Mama]

The casual meeting as friends, no displays of affection, etc. is how I've most commonly seen it suggested to do, and how I felt about it, and it was also recommended by my counselor as the best way to go... same thing as Oh the Irony said, about gradually moving to more time, with a natural course of the relationship/seriousness.

Everyone has different comfort levels and feelings for time frames.  I think it is a different comfort level for everyone, and Oh the Irony has a really valid point too about different lifestyles... how odd/out of place would it be for your kids to meet new people?  Though you said they already know these people... I think the best way to approach that is to get ex on board with casual friend outings for a bit.