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post #21 of 77



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post

You daughter wanted a bra, you were "monitoring" the situation so I assume that you were ok with her wearing a bra eventually (but only when *you* saw fit), your daughter told her grandmother she wanted a bra so the grandmother bought it for her.  I don't see the issue? headscratch.gif

 

Training bras are just that, no breasts required.  I had a training bra before I had breast buds but I really wanted one so my mom got me one. Sounds like your daughter wanted one and you didn't listen but he grandmother did. Can I ask if you been upset if she had bought her pajamas? jeans? underwear?

 

Breaks my heart that you took it away from her and made her return it. How humiliating for her. greensad.gif You have just shown her that you don't respect her decisions and you don't trust her instincts but that her grandmother does.


Yes, I see the OP's reaction as shaming her daughter for growing up. Not cool.
 

 

post #22 of 77

I don't think it is a big deal. Unless of course, you have reason to believe that the Nana only bought it to try to get at you. It sounds like your daughter asked for it. I know it is a big deal to you, but in the big picture, I think you are overreacting. This is about how you feel, and not about the intent on behalf of the nana. It sounds like your daughter had already wanted this and I do not know if you just have not had the time yet to take her out or what. If it makes you feel better, put the bra up and take her out today to buy her one that is from you. Have her wear that one first and then she can have the other one later.

post #23 of 77

Jennifer, you think your dd isn't ready but that might not be HOW your daughter feels. My 10-year-old is not even budding, her sister is, a few of her friends are, she finds it very important to have camisoles and undergarments that appear bra-ish. My daughter's need is very psychological, I cannot say I understand it but I respect it.

 

I really don't think you were listening to your child, but caught up into your own IDEALIZED view of how things should be. Bra buying was never a big deal mother/daughter bonding thing for me. You felt it important not your child. Or your child had a different feeling of inportant.  

 

I think you giving the bra back to your mil does not show that you value your duaghter's emotional needs that are starting to grow and change. I also think it shows disrespect to your daughter on ownership of things given to her. This is a bra not some dangerous/harmful toy. It is an acknowledgement to growing up that you took away, and from my experience of having a 12 and 10 daughter your child needed.  You told her YOU will decide when she is ready, not HER deciding over HER body.  She needs validation to her changing body not you telling her when you think it has changed enough. 

 

I know you have issues with mil, this time I don't think she was trying to steal your thunder but honor her grandchild's request.  Also, could your dd been complaining about her nipples and chest hurting and your exmil thought this might help.  I do know some girls/women/men prefer bras/undergarments to reduce painful rubbing of nipples.  Breast size has nothing to do with this, personal sensitivity is something you as mom cannot judge.   

post #24 of 77

My daughter is 14 and has been in bras for years and I don't think the purchase of the first training bra is a big deal. I am not even sure if her first was a handmedown from a relative or if I purchased it myself. Regardless, at this point, I would pay someone else to take her bra shopping. Trust me, there is a lot of bra shopping in your future. 

post #25 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I don't think it is a big deal. Unless of course, you have reason to believe that the Nana only bought it to try to get at you. It sounds like your daughter asked for it. I know it is a big deal to you, but in the big picture, I think you are overreacting. This is about how you feel, and not about the intent on behalf of the nana. It sounds like your daughter had already wanted this and I do not know if you just have not had the time yet to take her out or what. If it makes you feel better, put the bra up and take her out today to buy her one that is from you. Have her wear that one first and then she can have the other one later.

Or better yet, be the bigger person and apologize to your daughter for not listening to her. Don't try to "one up" your MIL as it gains you nothing and could further damage your relationship with your daughter.


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post #26 of 77

I really see nothing wrong with a grandmother buying her granddaughter a bra.  I'm sure she had no idea it would upset you.  I don't mean to be unfeeling on your behalf, but I think you need to realize that just because you see this as a sensitive issue, does not mean it's abnormal for the action of you MIL.  Believe me ,  their are by far worse things a MIL can do...this, I feel, is fairly small....I would let your daughter wear it whether she needs to or not...perhaps just on occasions she's wearing thinner clothes or something if that helps you... but making a big deal out of this may only make things worse between you and your daughter at a time she needs your moral support and between your MIL and you....she's still your daughter's grandmother and she needs to feel comfortable with her relationship with her.

post #27 of 77

In the grand scheme of things, I do not think this is something to get riled up about.  You're hurt, but that is only because of your past with your XMIL.  It has nothing to do with your daughter so why take the problem out on her by sending the bra back.  It makes no sense.  Simply talking to your XMIL and saying that you wanted to do this "milestone" with your daughter would have been much more mature.

post #28 of 77

Honestly, I think you're making too big of a deal with this.  I don't think your MIL did anything wrong...in fact, I think it was a sweet gesture.  It's only wrong if you take it wrong....it's the way you are perceiving the whole thing.  She herself, your MIL, didn't do anyting worng.  There's a lot of grandmas that take granddaughters shopping....

I would NOT send the bra back.  That is an absolute insult and you are really causing the problem.  I think it's an insult to your daughter too in not wanting her to wear something that is perfectly natural for her age and you may be setting yourself up for bigger problems by not allowing her to feel better about her beginning stages of development and secure in her relationship with her grandmother. 

Think on it.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but really.....it's not such a big deal. Belive me, there are worse things a MIL can do!

 HUGS

post #29 of 77

I agree with some pps that you are overreacting. I'd apologize to your daughter and give her the bra back.

post #30 of 77

I feel for the OP, a lot.

 

I have dealt with a moderate amount of parental alienation from older women in my children's lives. My partner's mother has made choices that were 'mildly' bad enough that partner let it go for several critical years, thus causing irreparable damage to our family/coparent relationship. She persisted in calling my daughter 'pretty' throughout her early years, which was diametrically opposed to all values I was working to instill in my child. She bought crappy toys in spite of my insistence on having gifts cleared by me first. Disney princess books, etc. I asked, pleaded, insisted, was passive-aggressive, I tried it all.Those things were my right as a mother to make decisions about, depsite the fact that she did not agree with what my child needed. She had her own daughter and now I had mine. That to me, was obvious. It sucks when somebody violates your (in my case, hard-earned) boundaries. (Editing to add, it was in therapy that I finally learned how to make this mess stop).

 

I think it's HIGHLY possible that the grandma did a bad, bad thing here. If she knows the OP, she'd know not to 'go there'. That said, I'd have let my daughter keep the gift, seethed to my therapist in private, and firmly and politely redefined the boundaries with the grandma. I'd also use it as a clue that my daughter needs/wants things that I don't necessarily yet think she needs, and would be always checking myself for baggage from an abusive childhood RE: gender roles, what little girls should/shouldn't have or do....

 

I would always try to avoid over-sensationalizing a bra to my child. I don't generally wear one, and hope that it won't occur to my own DD to want one, like, ever. If she does, I'll make sure to get online right away (no shopping in toxic stores with terrible images and additional stuff we don't need) and find some super comfortable ones for her. Hopefully with some kitties on them. Then we'll go back to whatever else we needed to do that day, like cuddling and going to the library.

 

To return it to grandma might make a bra into a BRA!!!!!!!! blush.giflips.gifmischievous.gifbellyhair.gifwith fireworks and fetishes attached.

 

 


Edited by AttunedMama - 3/10/11 at 8:39am
post #31 of 77



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

To return it to grandma might make a bra into a BRA!!!!!!!! blush.giflips.gifmischievous.gifbellyhair.gifwith fireworks and fetishes attached.


Too late. This bra has gone from a piece of underwear to a shameful major embarrassing big deal already.

 

post #32 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

I think it's HIGHLY possible that the grandma did a bad, bad thing here. If she knows the OP, she'd know not to 'go there'.


 

This is a board about parenting teens and preteens. It isn't the MIL and ex MIL vent page. I'm far more concerned about the effect that all this is having on the OPer's DD and about the relationship between the OPer and her DD than anything about the ex MIL.

 

 

post #33 of 77


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post




 

This is a board about parenting teens and preteens. It isn't the MIL and ex MIL vent page. I'm far more concerned about the effect that all this is having on the OPer's DD and about the relationship between the OPer and her DD than anything about the ex MIL.

 

 



Well, I guess you're free to overlook the part I included to identify with the mother-in-question's feelings and concerns, then? shrug.gif

 

Dag, Linda, I feel like you're calling me out and I didn't do anything!

post #34 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post

Honestly, it sounds like your daughter really wants to start wearing a bra and since her nana offered to buy one she happily accepted. I don't see how she did this to hurt you, just trying to make her granddaughter happy. I would let her keep the bra, and if it is really important to you, take her shopping this week so that you can share picking out another one as well. There's no rule that a girl has to wait to need a bra before she can wear one & it sounds like your daughter is ready.
FWIW my mom bought my 8 year old two pretty training bras this past summer & they both had a great time shopping together for them. Doesn't mean that I can't do the same with her, just means that she was comfortable enough with grandma to shop for something personal & that's all that really matters.


I agree. THis is no big deal & you're making it into something bigger than it should be.

 

IF she only has a little hump/swollen ant bite why are you checking her every 3 days?  

 

IF your ex-mil is really that bad why did you let your dd go with her?

 

post #35 of 77


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


Well, I guess you're free to overlook the part I included to identify with the mother-in-question's feelings and concerns, then? shrug.gif

 

Dag, Linda, I feel like you're calling me out and I didn't do anything!


 

sorry! I didn't mean it like that! 


I think that the OPer's focus could be more about what is going on with her DD, rather than using this as another way to re-hash the past with the ex MIL.

 

 

post #36 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

And the whole thing that you are checking her every three days to see if she needs a bra sounds really, really weird to me. I can't picture that. Are you actually looking at her naked nipples?

I'm also cringing at that. I'm hoping it's not how it sounds.
post #37 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


 



Well, I guess you're free to overlook the part I included to identify with the mother-in-question's feelings and concerns, then? shrug.gif

 

Dag, Linda, I feel like you're calling me out and I didn't do anything!

 

The point is that most of us are feeling like this isn't an issue about the ex-MIL.  On this board, the focus is on parenting the preteen/teen, so that's why the conversation keeps returning to respecting the dd's feelings/needs/desires, and recognizing that she is entering a different stage of life.  It's about understanding that we don't control our kids feelings, and that they will try to get their needs met, which is a healthy and normal thing to do.  Truly, this is not a MIL issue.  Underneath all these layers is a girl who is asking to have her feelings and wishes noticed.  OP has a wonderful opportunity to connect w/her dd around this. 
 

 

post #38 of 77


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by karne View Post



 

The point is that most of us are feeling like this isn't an issue about the ex-MIL.  On this board, the focus is on parenting the preteen/teen, so that's why the conversation keeps returning to respecting the dd's feelings/needs/desires, and recognizing that she is entering a different stage of life.  It's about understanding that we don't control our kids feelings, and that they will try to get their needs met, which is a healthy and normal thing to do.  Truly, this is not a MIL issue.  Underneath all these layers is a girl who is asking to have her feelings and wishes noticed.  OP has a wonderful opportunity to connect w/her dd around this. 
 

 


Of course you think that. I just don't understand why I'm getting "silenced", as I do think the MIL stuff is relevant. It's not like these issues don't intersect. In dealing with rearing her daughter, she's dealing with the ExMIL.  Obviously the child's reality is of the utmost importance, and I think the post I offered reflects that. Boundaries issues are often inherited from previous generations, and passed on to our children if not sorted out.  I do believe it's fully possible that the MIL was out of line, knowingly. Lots of posters are awfully quick to excuse the G'ma, but the culture is full of Grandma's who prey on those sort of situations and can smell an opportunity to usurp a Mama's time to shine.

 

But my bruised ego aside, let's take it easy on this mama. Of course she has her daughter's needs in mind, and there's no reason to think otherwise. We can offer her insight on the situation without being rigid. I feel like some of our responses are as reactive as the BRA situation itself.

 

Peace(and thanks, Linda).

 

post #39 of 77
Thread Starter 
So I have read everyones responses. I still feel the same as I did before reading everyones responses. I'm not a pedophile looking at her nipples like y'all are hinting towards.

I had a whole long response but erased it. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I feel I am doing the right thing. In hindsight I wished I wouldn't have asked "what you thought or would do" bc y'all aren't living my life, and I'm not living yours. The most important people in her life(me, her dad, stepdad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.
post #40 of 77

It wouldn't have occurred to me to be upset; I would have been grateful that MIL took DD shopping and bought her a bra. 

 

FWIW, my DD will be 10 next week and has owned bras for a couple years now.  It's not a big deal; IMO, girls are ready to wear bras when they want to be - whether they are 8 or 13.  I think it would do more harm than good to get up in arms over a piece of clothing that she probably was pretty proud to have... not to mention it's touchy and could lead to body/shame issues since she is starting to develop. 

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