GD at 17 mos...

[cristeen]

I'm really at my wits end w the hitting and biting. I could deal if it were just me, but every time we get together w a friend, her almost 3 yo winds up w marks (usually bites, but sometimes "pinches", for lack of a better discription).

I know its when he gets excited/riled, but he can go from calm to riled in 5 seconds and i cannot always anticipate it. And even the mildest of redirection leads to screaming and head-banging.

Anyone have some advice? Commiseration? A book i should read?

ETA - i should probably add that he only has minor trouble w the concept of gentle w the cat or the 6 mo, and isnt even all that rough w kids his own age. But he and the 3 yo are about the same size, which i think contributes to the problem. He's also extremely strong for his age (goes w the size, i guess), and is much more physically oriented Than she is (or so it seems to me).
Edited by cristeen - 3/8/11 at 6:02pm

[faithrainbow]

Hi Cristeen,

How frustrating for you!  I have a home daycare and I know how anxiety-causing it can be when kids bite.

If it seems like it almost always happens with this certain child, what's going on?  Do you always visit with them right before naptime?  Maybe you could visit at a different time of day.  And/or make your play-dates shorter, so you can end on a good note.  

Does it happen when they get into tussles over toys, or is it more random?  Can you teach the little girl to steer clear of him?  And/or can you teach him to touch her just like he touches the kitty, kind of petting her arm?  That could be the only way he's allowed to touch her for awhile, until he grows up a bit.

 Another thing is perhaps you and the other mom/girl could do activities when you get together like go for a walk, or go to a park, where there's more space for each child, and other things to catch their interest.

I wrote a blog post on kids who bite from over-excitement.  The mom whose son I was addressing is a bit older than yours, but there might be some interesting tips for you.  Check it out if you want, http://joyfultoddlers.blogspot.com/2010/10/biting-from-excitement.html

And most of all, be gentle with yourself.  It's not a reflection of your parenting; some kids just yearn to bite.

[LynnS6]

A couple of more thoughts: Your job, at 17 months, has shifted. When he was an infant, it was to meet his needs and to keep him from crying. As a toddler, your job is to gently enforce boundaries and to help him learn that he can withstand frustration. So, while it's hard to see him banging his head and screaming at redirection, have faith that this is a temporary stage. If he'll let you be with him while he has his tantrum, do that. Otherwise, step back and comfort him when he's ready.

For the playdates: They're going to take a lot more parental intervention for a while. You really have to shadow him to keep him from doing your friend's child harm. It really is a case that he simply doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. He also can't think ahead and he has little impulse control. Thus prevention is your best strategy.

Can you meet in a place where he's got lots of room to roam and run. If he's a physical child, he might do better at a playground type setting than at an indoor playdate.

Two books that might help:

The Emotional Life of the Toddler

Parenting with Purpose by Lynda Madison -- it specifically addresses this early stage of 'discipline'