I'm writing this post to find out (hopefully) that I am not the only one who is going through this right now...
All I really want to know, which I think will somehow comfort me, is that I'm not alone.
I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit each day. I've been a stay at home mom now for almost five years. I have a four and a half year old and a one year old. I am the very last person who should complain. My husband does very well, and I never have to worry about bills, money, etc. We live in a beautiful home, and I drive a brand new luxury car. I can shop when I want to, and buy what I want within reason. My point is I don't have to worry about a lot of the things that many people do in today's world. My husband travels for work, and he's gone every week from Tuesday morning until late Thursday night...some weeks he leaves on Monday. So basically I'm single parent who doesn't have to worry about finances.
I've reached a point of extreme loneliness. Most times during the day, I run errands, workout, etc...fill the day the best I can. The afternoons are the worst for me. I feel so alone. My husband and I have a strong relationship and we talk on the phone as often as we can. He hates being gone too, but we can't walk from the financial reward right now...we are only 30 and are in a great spot...really setting us for a great financial future. Some days I want to tell him it's not worth it, and I'd rather live in a tiny apartment and have him home. I just keeping thinking I need to suck it up. Growing up, I didn't have much, and my parents were not able to help me with college. My husband has even been able to pay off my $35,000 worth of student loans. In addition, our kids will not have to worry about paying for college. It comforts me that they won't have to grow up like I did...hearing my parents stress about the bills, not having enough money for things, etc.
We just moved to a new area, and I don't even feel like I can present myself well to new people because I'm in such a bitter state. I feel so isolated, but I can't put myself out there because all that is on my mind is that I'm going crazy staying home with the kids. I don't even want to interact with other moms because I'm so tired of talking about kids and sleep schedules and preschools and the little gym and developmental milestones.
I just want a piece of me back. I don't even know who I am anymore or what makes me happy or what I enjoy. I am always tired. I'm always giving and cleaning and feeding and taking care of everyone else. I just want to have fun. I feel an overwhelming responsibility. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I should enjoy this and be grateful that I can do this. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I feel trapped. I feel like my husband goes out into the world and gets to experience life. I go to the grocery store and talking to the clerk helps me to keep my last bit of sanity. Even the tiniest conversations make me feel better.
I wish I could find someone near me...another mom...who feels this way. So that way I could start a new friendship yet be honest about myself and how I feel right now. I don't want to be a drag or a downer or that negative person. That's why I'm looking for someone who feels this way...someone that I can help just as much as they can help me. I guess I just need understanding. Someone to tell me that this is normal, that it's just a phase, that all mothers feel this way at one time or another.
Help! Are you out there? Are you losing your mind too? Do you love your kids, but miss you? Do you not want to work while your kids are little but are going crazy staying home? Do you get bored with the typical mom's group? Are you slowly going CRAZY????
Please write and tell me your story!