What is proper emotional distance from child's father (exbf)

[tnmom66]

My exbf wants to "hang out" sometimes as a family because he thinks it is good for our daughter. But he also has some kind of emotional intimacy/comitmentphobia regarding me, which means too much "togetherness" makes him pick fights, which makes me upset. He absolutely adores our daughter and seeing her 5 days a week means he sees me 5 days a week even if it is just drop off/pick up. A couple of weeks ago, he bought me dinner 3 days out of the week as he had a visit with the child, and we spent several hours together at the park on one of those days. It was more "together" time than I recall having in over a year. Our 2 year old was a surprise baby and he dumped me as a girlfriend halfway through my pregnancy, but he is a very involved father and we usually enjoy a fairly civil and sometimes even cordial co-parenting relationship. We have had a few major issues come up and I am in counseling and we had 2 joint sessions and I think I can drag him back if he thinks I'm upset enough that our interpersonal problems are affecting my parenting. I tend to overreact, I think, but our relationship is so awkward and uncomfortable and I have so many mixed feelings. He is a good man. He pays his child support and sometimes extra things--like buying tires for my car, and sending fresh fruit and other food for the child. Neither of us has had a relationship with anyone of the opposite sex since he dumped me almost 3 years ago. Neither of us wants the other to bring someone else into our child's life. He thinks he especially has reason to not want me to bring a man into the child's life, as men are more likely to abuse little girls. If we could work it out, there is no other man I'd want to have a romantic relationship with. Or even a close friendship. I don't feel like I really know where I stand with him--what foundation I am on. He says we're friends, but I don't feel that. That week we went out 3 times, the 2nd time felt almost like a date with a friend. It was friendly, relaxed, pleasant, and the day before I was complaining to my therapist about feeling so lonely. When I went home that night (2 hours together-"good time had by all") I felt so refreshed, and although there was no affection, I felt like I was no longer "starved" for a kiss or a gentle touch. We had a MAJOR incident in October which has kind of settled down, but my emotions are still raw. Last week I asked him a simple question ("where did you find these clothes? I thought they weren't available around here?") and he was all evasive and acted like I was invading his privacy and never did answer me. We always ask each other questions like that. He has told me not to ask about friends, family, work, soccer--his "personal life"--and I respect those boundaries. This is a dificult relationship for me and I am inclined to believe that I should really back off. That would avoid him ever feeling like we were getting too close. I told him I didn't want to hang out with him anymore or talk to him unless I had to about the child. I might be willing to attend a family birthday party and get a picture of all of us taken (I like a "family picture" at least once a year). I really don't understand how other woman deal with co-parenting.

[rubelin]

How I do it is that I spend no time with my ex (and he lives in the house next door so I could see him more if I wanted to), I am very professional in our interactions and he does occasionally start a friendly conversation, like "have you seen X show?" but I try to keep any conversations to issues with the children or the divorce only.

When he left, the marriage ended and so did our life together. Our only relationship is co-parenting and there is no need for anything else to come into it.

[zebra15]

Just from reading what you wrote your EX sounds controlling.  He wants to control what you can and cant ask about (where he got clothes, soccer, family, personal life etc).  This together yet apart is going to be confusing on some level for your child.  If you keep playing 'family' your child could think you guys are getting back together.  From what I see it looks like EX doesn't want you to date anyone else.

I wouldn't be going to dinner with EX, having quasi dates with EX, or anything else at this point.  By all means be civil to the man but you need to start your own life.  I hate to tell you but the only thing you can be sure of is that you havent had a relationship with someone else, you have no idea what EX is doing, you only know what he is telling you.

I would start setting up visitation, drop off the child or arrange for swapping of the child and only discuss what pertains to the visit.  Your life is your business and he has made it clear where he stands on his.

Don't drag him back to your therapy.  Work on setting boundries.  One of those boundries is therapy is for you.

[tnmom66]

rubelin-

WOW--he lives next door? My ex-husband and I lived very close right after the divorce--he was 2 floors above me in our apartmet building. It was so good for all of us for the kids to see both of their parents every day.

My ex-husband got remarried about 3 years ago--she divorced him a few months ago. We had 5 or 6 years after being legally divorced of still feeling like a family, but with different houses. In those years, if he wanted me to be with him, I'd try to be with him, even had sex sometimes. We spent lots of time together as a family, eating meals together, going to lake, etc. He dated only one other woman for a short time before he met the woman he married.  I didn't date anyone till after he was engaged.

I felt like it was very good for the kids. They knew how difficult he was to get along with and they knew we'd never all live under the same roof again. But I sort of think we all felt part of an intact family unit.  Till he brought another woman into the picture and I was not allowed in the house anymore. My kids were heartbroken by their stepmother. That is one thing I'm so scared about getting remarried myself. No matter how exciting and promising a new relationship looks, you don't know how it is going to turn out.  I am more inclined to work on trying to improve the old relationship.

I guess after the experience with my ex-husband, I'm kind of wanting the same type of arrangement with my exbf....but these 2 men are totally different and our relationships are totally different.

I think my exbf will keep pulling me close and pushing me away. At this time, I don't want to endure that. I don't like being jerked around or feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.

If he wanted a relationship with me and an imperfect, part-time one was all he could give, I'd bend over backwards to try to adapt to him. But he insists that he doesn't want a relationship with me, beyond co-parenting, and I think following your example of not getting drawn into any comfortable or casual conversation.

By the way, I have to say that I hope you can avoid divorce. Sounds like you're in the midst of it. I don't know why he left or how long you were married or how old your kids are, but I think divorce is terrible and if there is anyway to rebuild a good relationship, it is worth the effort.

[tnmom66]

zebra 15-

I don't think he's "controlling" in general. He has put up very rigid barriers and is acting to keep the "relationship" from growing. No, he doesn't want me seeing anyone else. Our daughter has never known us to be more "together" and I don't think she'll be confused. If, when she is older, she wants us to do things as a family, I'll try to accomodate her wishes if her Dad agrees, too. She's only 2 now, so it isn't really an issue. She knows both of her parents are absolutely crazy in love with her and she has a lot of stability and security.

I think the quasi dates are a bad idea, too, and I plan to decline all invitations from now on. I really don't think most people hang out with the people who dumped them, when there is no intention of rekindling the original relationship.  There is probably good reason for that.

If at some point he wants a stable relationship with me beyond "co-parenting"--- I will be open to it if he gets counseling for his issues.

I am going to focus on taking care of myself. That's a tall order in itself, actually....