My big long annoying vent... I just really need someone to 'hear' me. :(

[crunchy_mommy]

I am suddenly having a horrible time. I look so ugly and need to lose about 10lbs which seems impossible given that I can't change my diet and I can't work out more. My hair is in an awkward place, I want to grow it out so I can go back to my ponytail but it looks better short. I have scars that are suddenly making me super self-conscious, and I REALLY want to get contacts again but I can't afford to. I have a gift card (bday gift) for Kohl's to get some new clothes but we've been TTC for ~1.5 years so I keep holding off, thinking maybe THIS cycle I will get pregnant, I should spend the $$ on maternity clothes not clothes I can't wear if pregnant, but I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant again. I'm convinced, even though I realize it's completely irrational, that the reason I can't get pregnant is because I'm a horrible mom. I feel sick all the time and there doesn't seem to be any hope for improvement... I feel like I'm just destined to be sick for the rest of my life. I'm always down or upset or angry about something and my self-esteem has completely plummeted. My anxiety is getting worse and I don't have the time/energy to cope with it... and I am more & more growing to suspect that it has something to do with my parents (and possible abuse??? I cringe to even write that) but I can't seem to flesh out what's going on there and I am terrified of finding out my gut is right. DH was laid off and isn't having any luck finding anything and I'm realizing more and more that I'm going to be stuck working my soul-sucking job for eternity. I was supposed to be able to quit this month but since DH is unemployed we need the health insurance, plus we are slowly eating through the savings that we were going to use as our safety net when I quit. I can't focus on my work at all and I just hate every second I spend on the computer. DH seems completely absorbed in his job hunt -- rightfully so, I guess, but he's completely blind to the fact that I am struggling right now. I try talking to him about it but he somehow works every conversation back to his next interview or some place he applied for online. I am realizing more and more that even though he is the least selfish person I know, he has a hard time tuning in to how anyone else feels and I almost think he has Aspergers (he sure fits all the symptoms!) Combine that with my own issues (plus I suspect I have an auditory processing disorder) and we have a horrendous time communicating these days!!! I am trying hard to get out more and see my friends, but even when I see them I feel lost and a bit lonely even, because I have all these 'deep dark secrets' of my past that my friends don't know about, and I'm horrible at carrying a conversation, remembering little details about people's lives, and just generally feel like I'm not 'good' at the whole making friends thing. My DS is wonderful and sweet and I love him to death but I constantly just want a break from him, the constant clinging and nursing drives me up the wall, and even though we're together 24/7, I don't feel like much of that is 'quality time' anymore. I'm worried about his social/emotional development but our doc just brushed off my concerns and said he's doing great. Our house is only half-finished, we've been remodeling for 3 years but really that means everything is torn up and DH is clueless about how to put it back together (and not very fast/efficient when he is working on it) and I am way too sick to help him and we obviously can't afford to pay someone to finish it. Now the windows are leaking (nothing to do with the remodel)!! My life is (objectively, at least) the best it's ever been... I mean this is way better than working 3 jobs while a full-time student!! And way better than being in the hospital, or being in an abusive relationship, or being suicidally depressed... I've had a crappy life but it's better now. We have a house and aren't in financial ruins and we have an amazing little boy and DH & I get along well for the most part and I finally have some friends... this is about as good as it gets, right??? So why do I still feel like crap???? When will I get to be happy? I'm not depressed -- well not really, though this time of the year is hardest for me but I know in another ~2 months the weather will improve and so will my mood -- but I always have this kind of low-grade sadness and anxiety. I realize I keep looking for someone to step in & 'save' me and I also realize more & more each day that that is never going to happen, and I'm the only one who can make myself feel happy, except that I totally can't.

[GoBecGo]

Hugs mama.

That sounds like a lot on one plate!

Do you feel like this is how you wrote it, one big block/wall of problems and no chink to begin breaking it down?

There are things which can be done with each area, but first you need to separate them out.  Like counselling might really help with the anxiety (specifically CBT).  

Marriage counselling might help with the communication issues (my dad is dx Aspie, but he still could talk problems out with my mother, it just took training and practice for him to do what might be intuitive for someone else).  

Some kind of childcare swapping or a creche (i use IKEA's!!!) might help with getting DS off your hands for an hour or two breathing space.

And i hate to say this at the risk of making you feel worse, but "ugly" due to excess of 10lbs, "bad mom" proven by ttc problems, anxiety you "don't have energy" to deal with, being desperate for a break....all sound like depression to me.

You've done an amazing thing in just realising only YOU can change this, but that doesn't mean you can or should do it without help - can you see a doctor as a first step to figuring out what is going on?  The abuse thing especially concerns me.  I was abused for 7 years as a kid, and it took a lot of personal work to be happy and ok on the other side of it.  I don't know if that can "just happen", you know?  I think facing it is about all you can do.  You will probably feel immensely better just to figure out exactly what, if anything, happened.  Huge hugs to you mama.

[Thalia the Muse]

I agree -- you sound very depressed to me. This is exactly how I felt and how my inner monologue sounded when I was in the middle of a major depressive episode. For me, the depression was coupled with (and possibly created by) crippling chronic stress. IME, just getting the depression and anxiety under control made the rest of my problems either solvable, or I realized that they weren't actual problems, just products of the distorted thinking caused by depression -- that I wasn't really ugly, unlovable, incapable of friendship, and fundamentally freakish and broken.

[casadodds]

Sending hugs and wishing you all the best. Be gentle with yourself as you go through this period. You sound like a great mom, and a person who is doing their level best through a really challenging time. It's true -- I know you're working a lot, but trying to work out a childcare swap might be just the thing you need. We've been through many of those same things (five job losses in five years) with no support network near us, and it was so tough. Maybe this isn't the hardest your life has ever been, but that doesn't mean it's not hard. And if you've been suicidally depressed in the past, please be careful with yourself and make sure you don't travel down that slippery slope.

Good luck.

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow just having people listen & respond means the world to me right now. I feel like in real life I am talking to a brick wall. Thank you guys!!

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

There are things which can be done with each area, but first you need to separate them out.  Like counselling might really help with the anxiety (specifically CBT).  

Marriage counselling might help with the communication issues (my dad is dx Aspie, but he still could talk problems out with my mother, it just took training and practice for him to do what might be intuitive for someone else).  

Some kind of childcare swapping or a creche (i use IKEA's!!!) might help with getting DS off your hands for an hour or two breathing space.

I've been in & out of counseling since I was 16 and I just don't do well with it. I think it's because of my social anxiety -- I can't even talk to the counselor, so it brings all my problems to the surface but I have no way to get them out. I might do a little better with marriage counseling because just being around DH helps me feel more comfortable talking to someone but I don't feel like it's something we can do right now. We do not have anyone we can trust to watch DS for us, and our marriage itself isn't at risk so... I don't know. Since DH is laid off I am trying to get more breaks from DS (i.e. I go out or they go out) but it seems like something is always in the way or I just get more anxious being out by myself. It's hard to explain.

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

The abuse thing especially concerns me.  I was abused for 7 years as a kid, and it took a lot of personal work to be happy and ok on the other side of it.  I don't know if that can "just happen", you know?  I think facing it is about all you can do.  You will probably feel immensely better just to figure out exactly what, if anything, happened.  Huge hugs to you mama.

This is kind of how I feel but I'm not sure how to figure it out. I really do not remember my life as a kid/adolescent so I don't see how to figure out what happened, and I never know how much subsequent abuse (I was physically & sexually abused during college by 2 boyfriends) influences my memories, if that makes sense. All I know is, we see my parents every week or two and I feel really miserable afterwards, and I have a sick feeling about the thought of leaving DS alone with them (I never have & at this point never will) and I just have this vague feeling. Ugh.... I hate even typing that because I have an otherwise great relationship with my parents now. I don't want to spoil it.

Originally Posted by casadodds 

Maybe this isn't the hardest your life has ever been, but that doesn't mean it's not hard. And if you've been suicidally depressed in the past, please be careful with yourself and make sure you don't travel down that slippery slope.

I guess that's true, it's still hard even if it's not the hardest it's ever been. I'm not going to kill myself or anything. I am having trouble eating and stuff lately (I used to be anorexic and I kind of got triggered) but I'm just forcing myself to do what I need to do and I *think* I am strong enough to resist falling back into destructive behaviors... Plus I know my DS needs me so it's not the same as when I was just ME, no DH or DS, because then I could afford to be selfish I guess...

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse 

I agree -- you sound very depressed to me. This is exactly how I felt and how my inner monologue sounded when I was in the middle of a major depressive episode.

OK so maybe I am depressed RIGHT NOW. For some reason, every year from March-April or so, I get really depressed, and once it warms up more and gets sunny and all, I feel better. But I never feel 100%. I don't really know what to do about it. I tend to be completely unresponsive to medications... I spent several years of my life on crazy combinations of just about every psych drug out there and nothing really helped me, and the few things that did sort of help had really bad side effects so I could not continue taking them. I sort of feel like I was just born with this ingrained low-grade depression and have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of what is going on now is situational. I know my quality of life would be better if I could quit my job and find effective treatment for my chronic illness... I feel like those 2 stressors are what's making all the other little things unbearable... but I also can't do anything about those 2 things. I know in the past I always felt better if I worked out daily but for multiple reasons I can't do that right now. I do feel stuck, like there's no way to chip away at this... But maybe I am making excuses?? I don't know...

Thank you all for understanding & responding... it means a lot.

[GoBecGo]

Well i'll come right out and say i had no counselling to heal from abuse.  I did see one lady but her mouth was watering, almost literally, at getting such "an interesting case" through her door (i was at uni and was randomly assigned her).  It was like being raped all over again, i never went back.

I did all of my work internally, talked things through with a few friends, and here i am.  That makes it sound really easy and it really really wasn't.  But it was do able, so not reacting well to counsellors doesn't mean you cannot change things.  I never took any meds, i refuse to, for a million reasons which are unique to me and largely irrelevant.  But you don't necessarily need drugs either.

I know it's hard to believe, but there is a path through this.  It might not be a comfortable path.  If you were abused then the relationship you have with your parents is a lie.  However comfortable it is, it is still a lie.  I COMPLETELY understand your discomfort at losing that, even if it is a lie, but to heal you might have to.  It might be nearly impossible for you to ever trust anyone to care for DS until you quantify, qualify and integrate what happened to you.  But only nearly.  You might be able to do it if you try, and you can try and if you DO find someone you will be able to get that break you need.

Running from things, you can never see how big or close they are.  They are always bigger and closer and more terrifying when you're running from them.

There are always choices.  I know how incredibly trite that sounds.  I have said it to people and they have a massive go at me and lay out really really hard choices and challenge me on it.  But it is true.  Even when the choice is get shot or drown there IS a choice.

You can pick a path through this, if you choose to.  How do you begin?  I don't know.  But i think you do know.  I think maybe you have been trying not to know, but i think you do know.  Or you have an inkling at least.  And i think this vent is a first step, of sorts, or rather one of many early steps.  Becoming ok begins with saying "i am not ok".

[Cyllya]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

OK so maybe I am depressed RIGHT NOW. For some reason, every year from March-April or so, I get really depressed, and once it warms up more and gets sunny and all, I feel better. But I never feel 100%. I don't really know what to do about it. I tend to be completely unresponsive to medications... I spent several years of my life on crazy combinations of just about every psych drug out there and nothing really helped me, and the few things that did sort of help had really bad side effects so I could not continue taking them. I sort of feel like I was just born with this ingrained low-grade depression and have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of what is going on now is situational. I know my quality of life would be better if I could quit my job and find effective treatment for my chronic illness... I feel like those 2 stressors are what's making all the other little things unbearable... but I also can't do anything about those 2 things. I know in the past I always felt better if I worked out daily but for multiple reasons I can't do that right now. I do feel stuck, like there's no way to chip away at this... But maybe I am making excuses?? I don't know...

It sounds like you have Seasonal Affective Disorder. You might look into "light therapy."
 

Of course, I'm sure most of your sadness is situational. I don't mean to say something like, "Your life is great! You're only sad because you have depression!"

[crunchy_mommy]

I am feeling a lot better the last couple days, mostly trying to keep busy, having people hear me out really helped with the overwhelming feelings I was having a few days ago when I posted this!!

Cyllya, I do think I have SAD, I can't afford the lights though (and I used to have my own "rising sun" kind of thing rigged up but it would wake up DS now)... Just another month or two to get through and then I will be OK again... Actually I think some of it has nothing to do with shorter days and cold and lack of sun but just memories that tend to resurface around the same time every year...

GoBecGo, I am really struggling with the possible child abuse thing and posted in the SA forum about it... it's the one thing that's tearing me up inside right now, and I really need to figure out some way to resolve it or move on or something, I'm a bit of a mess on that front and really wish I could just run away (literally and figuratively)...

[happycalm]

Have you considered taking some supplements? I cannot recommend strongly enough that anyone with anxiety/depression or other mental health issues take Vitamin D, Calcium and Fish Oil.  Most of us are seriously Vitamin D deficient except in the height of summer and if we don't overuse sunscreen (we need a little sun to produce Vit. D).  My pms, anxiety and other issues are all much better when I am taking D very regularly at high doses.  The RDA for D is 600 iui.  But that is far below what most of us need to take.  A multivitamin will not give you enough Vitamin D if you are deficient.  The upper limit is 4000 iui.  I take 3000 daily.  

Calcium can be important to take along with D.  It's a complicated answer why but my dp is a nutrition student and it has something to do with D causing Calcium to be moblized (taken out of bones) and it won't take it out of the bones if you have enough in your bloodstream.  

Fish Oil has been show to be important for mental health because of it's effects on brain function.  

Also, there are some very good meditation cds out there.  Someone I know recommends UltraCalm by Mark Hyman.  Also, Martin Rossman has some good ones, one is titled Anxiety Relief.

Not sure where you live but some churches are now offering free childcare once a month or so.  Parents Night Out.  You might find something in your community.

Good luck.   Sending you prayers for calm and peace and compassion for yourself.

[crunchy_mommy]

I just ran out of vitamin D last week... I need to get some more. I've been playing around with various supplements for a while now but I don't feel like anything makes a noticeable enough difference for me to justify the cost... I also suspect I'm not absorbing everything properly. I don't know. I will have to remember to at least pick up some more vitamin D though. I need to work on meditation too... I have a problem with it, it makes me very anxious, I can't seem to shut my mind off and tend to get obsessed with whatever it is I'm thinking about and can't get it out of my head. I guess my anxiety is higher than I realized -- DH took DS out for a bit and I couldn't even take a proper shower, play music, etc. (I'm hypervigilant and I am terrified I will miss some warning sounds if there is something loud like running water or music...) Wow I sound like a nutcase...

[happycalm]

Meditation can be hard for beginners.  Guided meditations help because there is someone talking you through it rather than you just sitting in silence.  Also, guided imagery relaxation might also be a good starting place as there is someone's voice to listen to the whole time.  And there is yoga which can help because you are using your body rather than sitting still.

Good luck.  What you are going through is very hard.  I realize therapy and medication has not been helpful in the past.  But I am concerned that you have someone IRL who is a support and and ally, professionally, that is.  You have a LOT going on.  Is there anyone you can reach out to?

[crunchy_mommy]

Well I will consider starting therapy again with someone new, but can't right now, so really I am just trying to deal with it on my own. DH tries his best to be supportive and I try my hardest not to burden him. I have a few friends that I am developing better relationships with but I wouldn't want to burden them with this stuff either (or scare them off...) and obviously family is a huge issue so... yeah... I don't feel like I have anyone in real life to turn to but hopefully if DH gets a job soon I can figure something out as far as affording therapy, scheduling it when DH can be home with DS, etc.

I did do yoga for a while and that would be a great thing for me to get back into. I guess I've totally put myself on the back burner while I dealt with my very high-needs DS... but he is becoming much calmer and happier so I guess it's possible for me to start doing things like yoga or whatever on a more regular basis... I just have to somehow make it a priority, which is the tricky part, because it seems like something else is always more important (DS, dinner, sleep, talking to DH, etc.)

[rhianna813]

I live in the NW and have SAD. Mine is worse in the fall when the days start to get shorter. I started using a Mood Light 4 years ago and it has helped a ton! DH noticed right away that I didn’t seem like an angry bear all winter long. I noticed that I had more energy and didn’t feel like a zombie every morning and ready for bed at 7 pm each night.

They are not cheap but have gone down in price. Look for spring/summer sales. This is the one I use  and love it because it’s small. Less risky for breaking in a house with kids and pets. I only use it for 20 mins in the morning during the months I am affected. Takes 2 weeks to kick in.

If you ever get Amazon giftcards consider buying one.  

http://www.amazon.com/Philips-goLITE-BLU-Therapy-Device/dp/B001I45XL8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1300299539&sr=8-2

Vitamin D supplements can help too. I use Carlson D drops. You can buy 1000 or 2000 unit drops.

Take care!!!

Rhianna

[asraidevin]

Yogababy podcast archives has yoga you can do with your baby and each session is less than 20 minutes, but I find them very good. Sheès not making them but you can access the archives.

I couldnt do therapy either. Confiding in a stranger was weird and they rarely had useful advice for me. I had a T tell me that my possible memories of abuse were proibably  not real. Gee thanks. I did much better writing 3 pages a day and working my stuff out on my own over months.

[Hykue]

I just have two bits to add:

I can totally understand how your conversations with your husband would be frustrating if they keep coming back to being about his job search - if you need someone to listen to you and support you, then them talking about trying to find a job doesn't really fulfill that need.  But from his perspective, that's him being helpful.  He figures when he gets a job then many of the issues causing you stress will be solved, so he's trying to get you focused on what he sees as a partial solution.  Not that that makes it more helpful, but I would bet money that that's his intent.  Sometimes I need to tell my husband that I don't want solutions, I want sympathy.  Sometimes it even works . . . but sometimes I need to seek out sympathy elsewhere.

I also get depressed around this time of year (increasing in February and March), and I find it really helps to start seeds inside.  They have a full-spectrum light, just a regular fluorescent fixture with "grow-light" bulbs in it.  I don't know whether it's the light that helps, or the simple fact that there are little growing things that I get to look at once a day, and they grow and do well with only a bit of water from me.  I don't know if that's even vaguely practical for you, but it really helps me in this season, and it's not too expensive, and if you have even a balcony you can grow a couple of tomato plants that you start like this.

Hugs, I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time.  And don't feel bad that you're having a hard time even though your life "isn't hard" right now.  It is hard, it's just less hard, and in different ways than it used to be.  Sometimes we don't start to really deal with the fallout from a hard time until we are in an easier time - while the times are hard we're in crisis mode and just trying to live through it.  Once we have the freedom to breathe a little, that's when we get the emotions coming up that we were too fragile to deal with in the middle of the crisis.

[sapphire_chan]

I'm going to give you advice, because even if the advice isn't what you need, it might help you figure out your own way of dealing with things. Advice is also my way of showing people I'm hearing them and care.

Ten pounds is hard to lose, a lot harder than the first 20lbs of 30. That's the bad news. The good news is that it can also be disguised by the right clothes, good posture, and a great attitude.

Do your current clothes fit you? If not, figure out how to make that happen. Remember you can always use a Bella Band or the like to turn regular pants into maternity pants, so those won't be a waste. And if you get breastfeeding friendly shirts, at least you'll be able to wear those again in 9months!

And stress is horrible for fertility, so I hope that the advice the previous posters gave you about the serious problems in your life will help bring  you peace.

[crunchy_mommy]

Thank you for all the suggestions!! I guess part of the problem is I just don't have the energy to implement some of them. I am very unmotivated and tired and distracted all day long. I am trying to work on my appearance a bit since that's easier to change than the other things... I bought a couple of new shirts with that gift card... man it's hard to buy clothes that are breastfeeding friendly (and, um, my chest needs a size extra large but the rest of me is a medium/small... nothing fits right!!) and doing little things in that regard... my lack of appetite is helping too I guess, not so bloated with eating less... I am trying to spend as much time as possible outdoors when we have a nice day. Kind of hard to find time between working & DS's weird schedule, but yesterday was very warm and sunny so I MADE it happen. However I'm sick with a cold now so it wasn't as enjoyable. And I don't understand why everyone else got this cold for less than 24 hours and I'm on day 3 and feeling worse, not better. *sigh* The yogababy site looks cool... and I still haven't gotten to the store for my vitamin D. So some things are a bit better and some are the same still... I'm giving up on TTC this month, I just can't deal with it. Biggest obstacles right now are lack of concentration (I'm supposed to be working right now, but I cannot focus at all!!) and trying to work through the abuse issues which are totally consuming me... I feel very broken but distant at the same time. And it doesn't help that I haven't slept more than 30mins straight for the last 3 nights and DS is super clingy. I wish I could run away to a (sunny!) deserted island.

[crunchy_mommy]

Oh and Hykue, I think you are right about my DH. He does seem to think him getting a job will 'fix' everything but the truth is, it won't. In some ways it will be worse because I won't have him here to help with DS/the house/etc. and I don't think he will get a high enough salary this time around so I won't be able to quit my job. But I do think it's a good point to remind myself of the perspective he's coming from, rather than just getting annoyed with him.

[texmati]

crunchy mom, i'm in the same place as you are in many ways. I just wanted to comment on the highneeds child thing. my first son is very similar to how you describe your son (not in just this post, but others as well).  Everyone and their mother (quite literally) was going out of their way to give me 'advice' which felt like insults to me. No one thought twice about letting me know what they thought I was doing wrong.

To add to that, the stress was unbelivable. Trying to explain it to someone with an easy child is impossible. I was literally afraid of leaving the house, putting him to bed, walking on eggshells for the few hours of the day that he would sleep.

It blew my mommy confidence into smithereens. I felt (and my son reinforced it everyday) that I was a horrible mother.

And then I had my second and I realized-- It's not me, it's him. I"m not a horrible mom, he's just a difficult kid. I just had to work harder than the

And so I'm telling you, you aren't a bad mom, you are a super mom!

[crunchy_mommy]

Thank you so much texmati... DS is having a horrible few days here and I was in tears just an hour ago over it, ready to do something drastic [to myself]... Walking on eggshells really sums up the last 2 years. He's gotten much better but then we have a string of bad days and I question everything, but especially myself. Thank you for the support, it means a lot.