We just found out last night that I'm pregnant again. This is totally unplanned and unwanted, but we are going to try and make the best of it. We have a 16-month-old son whom we absolutely adore, and whose birth was absolute hell. I was planning to give birth to him at a birth center but my water broke at 35 weeks and we were forced to go to a hospital. I won't go into it all the details here, but the birth center abandoned us and their back-up doctor was the most horrible and insensitive medical professional I've ever encountered. She was totally hostile to any natural birth methods, put me on Pitocin and rountinely threatened c-section, and finally, after I pushed my baby out while on my back (she told me I HAD to push that way, that I had no choice) performed a manual placenta removal without even telling me what she was doing first or why she was doing it (I did not have an epidural). The next day she humiliated me in my hospital bed, telling the nurses "oh, don't touch her, she doesn't like to be touched" and smiling like it was some joke. My poor son was in the NICU for nine days and I had severe postpartum depression for about 3-4 months afterward. It was by far the most traumatic experience of my life. Ironically, somewhat, we finally paid off this doctor's bill just a few days ago, which was symbolically really significant for us.
I am posting this in the homebirth forum because my husband and I both know it is how we must have this baby, as we will not step foot in a hospital again. But I'm scared, Really, really scared to give birth again, period, even in the safety and familiarity of my own home. We envisioned our son being an only child, and this pregnancy has derailed all of our plans for the coming year (and the rest of our lives). Nursing my son into toddlerhood has been one of the sweetest (and most redemptory) experiences of my life, and I really don't want him to wean himself because of this pregnancy. I guess I'm just looking for any advice or words of wisdom anyone has to offer. Thank you.