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Please Help: Dear Friend Grieving Over C/S - Page 2

post #21 of 30

How long ago was the c-section, OP? As much as that would have sounded lovely to me, I wouldn't have wanted to ride any real distance in a car or do anything that felt like traveling in the early weeks. It's just too hard.

post #22 of 30



Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

These are all good ideas. I will say that if it were my dh, and I found out he was feeling that way, I wouldn't do any of it. I'd kick him to the curb. The disappointment? Yeah - I can get that. It would be hard to take, but I can get it. The "don't know when I'll be able to forgive her" thing? No way in this world. Hopefully, he's got enough compassion to not beat his wife up with that one.

 


The forgive thing has me stuck as a part of me wants to believe perhaps the DH was just venting and it was poor choice of words because he might have been heavily invested emotionally into a vaginal birth. 

The other part of me is concerned about his choice of wording because it seems to reflect a lack of accepting responsibility in the informed decision making process which happened in that L&D room.  I mean literally unless that mother was all by herself and didn't ask her partner for input, thoughts (which I think many of us do when faced with that decision), he made the decision right along with his wife for the c/section.

 

Me with my rosy glasses on, I want to believe it is the first part and not the second because I think the second speaks to a lack of respect & support with regards to their  relationship.

 

OP- re: the trip I think that would sound wonderful but like StormBride mentioned & I agree car rides were not the most fun soon after a c/section.  Again - You sound like an amazing friend for trying to support her through this situation. 
 

 

post #23 of 30

I had this thought before I read your update: if she was in labor for a long time prior to c-section (and if she was working for a natural birth, she probably was....), I can speak to that experience because I was exhausted beyond exhaustion by the time my c-section happened, and that made recovery so incredibly difficult. I don't know if I had PPD, but I think the depth of exhaustion, depletion, and post-partum sleep deprivation that I experienced created the symptoms of PPD, if not causing PPD outright.

 

As I continue coming to terms with my c-section, I realize that I just wasn't prepared for the prolonged misery of feeling like crap for months & months, which is what my labor & subsequent c-section set me up for. (I thought I'd have a "baby moon"! HA!) Who knows, if I'd labored that hard & that long and still managed a vaginal birth, perhaps I still would have felt awful for a long time. But having major abdominal surgery on top of everything just sort of sealed my fate. I was barely feeling normal again after a year. It took me two years to get enough regular sleep to feel like "myself" most of the time.

 

Your offer to whisk her away to a retreat is very kind. I know that I would have felt totally overwhelmed if someone had offered to do that with me. Not that I didn't desperately want to get away! But I was working so hard to bond with my baby & establish breastfeeding & try to figure out the sleep thing, that any new variables would have short-circuited my system. I would have heartily welcomed someone who would clean my house, do my laundry, cook good food for me, and/or keep my company during those long & lonely hours at home when I was stuck in a chair trying to figure out how to nurse.

 

The issue with the hubby's response is really hard. I have always been afraid that my DP secretly thinks this about me, though she has never said that she does. So perhaps I just can't get past my own fear about that reaction.

 

Your protective impulse towards your friend is very touching. She is lucky to have you!

post #24 of 30

I understand how he feels.  I feel the same way about my baby sister.  She had two older sisters helping her learn about natural birthing (she was the first to bring up csec when she announced her BFP and she told us she did NOT want one!) but in the end she gave in, got induced, and took an epidural that nearly killed her dd.  Her csec was emergent, although it was an iatrogenic emergency.  She told everyone she was planning a VBAC for #2 but we found out later she had lied and planned an ERC for 38 wks.  I only found out when I bumped into her SIL the day before and she asked me if I was excited.  I am disappointed in her (her own birth was a completely uncomplicated and unplanned UC) and sad for my nephew who had some minor issues at birth due to his forced prematurity.  I don't feel like I need to actually forgive my sister, but am most certainly disappointed in her.  So I can totoally relate to how he feels.  I only hope he realizes his wife most likely feels the exact same way about herself!

post #25 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post

I understand how he feels.  I feel the same way about my baby sister.  She had two older sisters helping her learn about natural birthing (she was the first to bring up csec when she announced her BFP and she told us she did NOT want one!) but in the end she gave in, got induced, and took an epidural that nearly killed her dd.  Her csec was emergent, although it was an iatrogenic emergency.  She told everyone she was planning a VBAC for #2 but we found out later she had lied and planned an ERC for 38 wks.  I only found out when I bumped into her SIL the day before and she asked me if I was excited.  I am disappointed in her (her own birth was a completely uncomplicated and unplanned UC) and sad for my nephew who had some minor issues at birth due to his forced prematurity.  I don't feel like I need to actually forgive my sister, but am most certainly disappointed in her.  So I can totoally relate to how he feels.  I only hope he realizes his wife most likely feels the exact same way about herself!



But...there's absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest that the OP's friend made any of those choices. Nothing. I don't know how I'd feel if someone close to me chose an early induction and/or early ERCS, but it doesn't sound like this was anything like that. And, if this was a case of either believing her baby was in danger, or simply being too exhausted from labour to continue functioning (something that can be very much aggravated by the environment in the hospital), then were does anybody - especially someone who knows full well that he's never going to experience labour himself - get off being "disappointed" in her, or wondering how long it will take to "forgive" her?

 

Honestly, the more I think about his comments, the more my blood boils. It's extremely difficult to deal with teh emotional aftermath of having a c-section when you really, truly, emphatically did not want one. Having someone else - even someone who was there - decide that you gave up too easily or whatever, is just so amazingly unfair. And, I have trouble believing that he's thinking of her in so negative a fashion without her picking up on any of it.

 

And, I'll be honest. A man being that invested in how his child is born kind of creeps me out. I'm totally pro natural birth, but the bottom line is that it's her body that's been permanently altered. He could be hit by a bus tomorrow, and she'll still be dealing with this for the reest of her life. I really think he should talk to a professional - and sooner, not later.

post #26 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

How long ago was the c-section, OP? As much as that would have sounded lovely to me, I wouldn't have wanted to ride any real distance in a car or do anything that felt like traveling in the early weeks. It's just too hard.


Good point, Storm Bride!  I hadn't even thought of it from that angle.  The baby was born in early January; do you think she'd be comfortable with a 2 hour car trip?
 

 

post #27 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamashtu View Post




Good point, Storm Bride!  I hadn't even thought of it from that angle.  The baby was born in early January; do you think she'd be comfortable with a 2 hour car trip?
 

 

 

It really depends - if she's been taking it easy and healing well, maybe.  MAYBE.  If she's been pushing it (and I'm sorry to say that the spousal attitude you describe makes it awfully likely that she's been pushing it), not as likely.

 

But call her.  Tell her that you remember how things were around the 2-3 month mark, when all those hovering friends and relatives went home and the baby was changing so fast.  Ask if there's anything you can do for her.  Tell her that you'd love to have her and the baby up to the cottage - is she feeling up to the drive?  If not, you'll just have to have lots of brunches.

 

I'm with Storm Bride about the husband here.  As far as I'm concerned, the person in labor is the one who has the right to make the decisions about when to ask for anesthesia, when to move to c/s, and how to manage the situation.  Spouses are there for support.  Anyone who thinks he has to "forgive" his wife for bringing his baby into the world had better be prepared to go through labor his own self if he ever wants another one. 

 

post #28 of 30

I'm enraged for your friend. Having had a traumatic c-section, what helped me heal was partly the kindness and care of the team at the hospital but PRIMARILY the love and support of my husband. OP, you sound like a good friend. I think offering her a refuge (your cottage) is a lovely, thoughtful idea. Especially if her husband is holding the c-section against her, having some space and time alone to process might be perfect.

 

It sounds to me like he thinks she "caved". Perhaps there were some other interventions first that failed. But no matter what happened or what choices she made, *she* was the one giving birth, not him. I hope he has the grace to accept that and manages to find some compassion and empathy for her. Poor thing.

post #29 of 30

I really hope that her husband has a good friend to talk to as well.  It sounds like he is grieving the birth experience and maybe doesn't know how to process it.

 

For me, having the support of my husband has been crucial to my recovery.  Hopefully he will come around soon.

post #30 of 30

I think it really has to do with your thoughts and ideas about birth and about yourself as a person, and so when your experience has a certain 'devastating' meaning for you, then it can really crush you and make you feel bad about yourself, blaming yourself etc.

 

I found a technique called EFT (emotional freedom technique) to be the seriously easiest way to deal with these traumatic feelings.

 

*hugs* to everyone experiencing this. While I didn't have a c-section, I had 2 traumatic births that I have healed from and gone on to have an amazing birth. Hang in there, it's possible!

 

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