"I hate my brain"

[emmaegbert]

My 6yo has lately been having kind of outbursts/tantrums (not all the time, every few weeks or so maybe?) of insecurity. Saying he is dumb, that he "hates his brain", that his brain is "bad at math" etc. I hate hearing him say these things about himself! Have some of you dealt with this with your kids? Its hard b/c he is so NOT bad at school. I've never been one to TELL him he's smart, or praise his achievement, etc... and I wonder does he want me to do that??

He is in a gifted school, in K. He tested high (not PG range), especially in visual/spatial tasks (where he hit the ceiling on several subtests). He was not an early reader (though a very early and articulate speaker, and spontaneously learned to recognize and write letters with little to no direct instruction).

According to the teachers he is doing extremely well, and we are thrilled with the progress he's made in reading and math. He is tall, athletic, outgoing, and well-liked by kids and adults. Its not like he has social problems, is what I am saying. He hasn't had behavior problems either.

We were so glad to find a school that serves gifted kids AND recognizes multiple intelligences and learning styles- for a visual-spatial kid who is a very hands-on and creative learner. The school does not set up competitive evaluations, does tons of individualized instruction (15 kids and 2 classroom teachers, so they can).

There are some very advanced kids in his class. Some who are math wizzes, reading chapter books, winning chess competitions, etc (not necc the same kids doing all these things). And he seems to compare himself to those couple of kids who are really obviously "ahead" of the rest and in negative ways. The kids seem perfectly nice- we did set up a playdate with one of them, hoping that maybe developing some friendship outside school might help?

I've met with the teachers to discuss it, and they seem totally surprised. They say they NEVER see anything like this in school he is very engaged and confident, not afraid to take risks, has a great work ethic, etc. When I hear him get into this negative self-talk, I try to just listen, and then either in the moment, or a little while later, bring some focus onto his own sense of his progress, and also help him think on the things he is very good at (there are many). But I guess maybe reading just doesn't come as easily to him as other things...

Should I be worried? Is this normal for a self-aware kid who is just experiencing frustration with particular academic skills? None of his teachers have breathed any thought of LD or anything (though I think he'd be young to be IDed, right?) I've asked a few other moms at the school and their kids don't say this stuff and they seemed kind of shocked when I quoted some of it.

Edited by emmaegbert - 3/10/11 at 9:50am

[loraxc]

This sounds familiar--I had a similar thread not long ago about my 7yo (called "I hate myself/I'm not good at anything" or something). DD 's school situation is a bit different in that she is not challenged at school, but she does have a couple of other very bright kids in her class. I couldn't see any obvious triggers either--it's not like she had recently done poorly on something in particular.

Perhaps this is just a function of the age plus intensity/giftedness/perfectionism? I will also add that when I talked to another mom in DD's class, she mentioned her son had been saying some similar stuff. Sometimes I think these things spread through a class contagiously. You say you didn't have this experience, but maybe it's another kid whose mom you didn't speak to.

[emmaegbert]

thanks Loraxc, I'll go look for your thread about this. I am just not sure what to think- is it sort of normal developmental stuff (greater self-awareness, greater awareness of others) combined with perfectionism/competitveness (lol, wouldn't call my son a perfectionist but he can get extremely frustrated when his ideas are too complicated for him to bring to friution as he wants).

But I also don't want my son developing a negative self-image... and its hard to address when its so far from anyone else's sense of what is going on.

[physmom]

Ah, Emma, I'm sorry he's dealing with this.  I don't really have any words of wisdom since DD is younger but I did want to ask if it could be a transitional thing from going from being the smartest kids at his preschool to now being among his peers and realizing there are others out there at his level or better?  I know my mom dealt with this when she went to college.  She's a very talented artist and had planned on studying art but when she went to college she realized that she wasn't the best in the room any longer and gave up all together (really a shame because I think it's a career that would've fit her well). 

In the meantime, can you talk to him about you don't have to be the best at things to excell in the world and how hard work goes a long way in life so even if math is difficult for him now it's worth it to still learn it and he might enjoy it more later on?  Could it also be the approach the school is taking in math?  I know he went to a waldorf preschool before, is the approach radically different and he's having a hard time adjusting to the new approach? 

Good luck!

[emmaegbert]

thanks Physmom... I have thought about that a little. I will think about talking to him about the role of effort and work... we all know that ability only takes you so far anyway... perhaps better to realize you aren't the smartest person in the world earlier in life rather than later, but just sad to hear him voicing insecurity. I'm sensitive to it b/c DH, my sister and my mom are VERY smart people with a pretty low self-esteem about their intelligence b/c of problems in school (very classic 2E I think... high IQ combined with some significant but uneven LDs)

also you are right that in Waldorf school they were not evaluated in these ways at all and academic skills just didn't really come into the picture. He does talk a fair bit about the difference between the schools, I can see he is trying to make sense of it all. There has been a lot of transition in his life (you can relate I know).