I popped DD to stop her biting :(

[Adaline'sMama]

After nursing a few minutes ago, DD bit the skin in between my thumb and index finger. I was shocked and I used my other hand to pop her on the side on the area between her underarm and her waist. I cant belive I did it, I have always sworn I would never *ever* hit. It just came out of nowhere, like I forgot that she was a baby and I was just trying to stop the biting. I wasnt doing it to punish her, but to get her teeth off of my hand. DD didnt react at all, she just smiled at me when I brought her face up next to mine to say I was sorry.

I just feel sick to my stomach with guilt and anxitey. As if it wasnt bad enough, DH was there and is really mad at me and said, "Never let me see you hit my kid again.", as though I am some kind of horrible monster mother. He suggested (what Ive heard before and know to be the better choice) that I should have used my hand to pinch her jaw and make her open her mouth. I just wasnt thinking, I was just reacting.

I know there are tons of other ways I could have handled this situation and I made the wrong desicion.

[Emma Bryan Fuller]

Your daughter has already forgotten. I think her reaction shows that she didn't take it as a punishment...she was prob just wondering what happened. Kids that are punished this way do not react like that....imo!   

I have three and have done this too and beat myself up about it. I have had to say sorry to my 9 yr old and explain that I lost control.

Your husbands reaction though......yikes

[lach]

When you are in pain, it's an automatic reflex to make that pain stop.  It's just how your brain is programmed.  I have a toddler who is a biter, and I promise you it takes every fiber of my "good mama" being not to react with a scream and a push.  He HURTS.  He's broken the skin and leaves black and blue marks.  He's gotten much better, but for a while I was afraid to leave the house with him in case he bit someone randomly.

Obviously, I'm not saying popping her (I assume that means you kinda flicked her with your fingers?) was good, I'm just saying that it was a reflex.  And it obviously didn't hurt her.  It was a good lesson for you, in remembering to try to keep your composure even when parenting is literally painful.  It's hard sometimes!  Just today DS and I were reading and he leans forward and then slammed his head back into my face.  I'm glad he didn't knock out one of my front teeth: it felt like he could have!  I was in so much pain, and I admit my reflex was to jump up and go "ow ow get away from me!" but of course, as a Mama, I can't do that.  I very gently took him off my lap and said "We don't headbut.  That hurt Mama."  And then I hopped up and thought "ow ow!  Get away from me!"  I didn't say it out loud, though.

(((hugs)))

FWIW, if you ever need to delatch a biting baby or toddler, gently pinch their nose.  They'll have to open their mouth to breathe.  It can be hard to remember while you're in a lot of pain, but it does work.

[One_Girl]

I had to really plan my reaction to biting when my dd was a baby and I was really glad I did.  I plugged her nose to make her release my breast (not roughly, just enough so she would have to open and breath) then put her down and took a lot of deep breathes before starting again.  Some mom's say no loudly and sternly, but my dd was sensitive and that was too harsh for her.  Biting while nursing is awful, it hurts a lot and it is very hard to not just react.  If I hadn't heard many mothers complaining about it and seeking help I wouldn't have had any idea of what my gentle options were and I am sure I would have just reacted also.  My dd bit several times in one day and I was ready to wean, if she had bit again the next day I would have weaned because the pain was too intense for me.  We are both very lucky that she stopped after one day.  Hang in there and try visualizing your reaction for next time so you have it deeply ingrained and are able to revert to that.

[Adaline'sMama]

Thank you for your replies. DH left last night because he was so upset, so I had a lot of time to reflect and think. The crux of the problem is that I often react to things without having a full thought process first. If I had thought about the situation, instead of just reacting, it never would have happened.

[Leisha]

I hope your DH calmed down. I can understand that he was shocked by your reaction - i mean, so were you! - but it was obviously a gut reaction; like a PP said: it's a reflex, we're just hard-wired to make pain stop. You didn't mean to hurt your DD (and your didn't, cause i'm sure otherwise she wouldn't have smiled at you!!) and I hope your DH gets that!!

And you know, being a mom is such a learning curve. You probably won't ever do this again. You learned that next time you'll pinch her nose or put your pinkie finger in her mouth to stop her biting or something.

The first time my dd bit me - she bit my nipple hard (as in HARD) while nursing one time when she was about the age your DD is now. And my hand just flew to her face. I think my hand stopped about 1 mm from her face, and I felt so bad afterwards. But it was a gut reaction. The next times she bit (not too often but a couple of times...), I was a little more prepared (simply because it wasn't the first time ever that it happened) and reacted differently.

Oh and did I mention this happened on Xmas eve with my family all present, lol. No one said anything but I'm sure they were pretty shocked too by my reaction... (erm in fact come to think of it, it might have looked to them that I actually did slap DD...)

Anyway, don't be to hard on yourself. And I hope your DH can understand too.

[scottishmommy]

I did the same thing when dd bit me while nursing. To make matters worse, I was at my in laws family reunion! So basically I popped my 5 month old In front of DH's entire( and very crunchy I might add) family. I felt terrible, but no one made a big deal out of it. I think you'd be surprise how many very good mamas have done the same thing! Getting bitten is such a shock, especially when your kid is little. Now, if my dd bit me or something, I wouldn't be surprised, because I know she's capable of hurting me, yk? Anyway, make a plan for what to do if your kid bites you again and move on!

[hildare]

i think you just had a natural reaction, what pp's already said. 

if it makes you feel any better, though, and if you want to share with your DH, Ina May Gaskin has a breastfeeding book, and in it she describes a mama who did exactly the same thing.. 

quit guilting yourself and move on, mama, and THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS you have a good good dh who feels that way.  :)  there are so many gd mamas who have to fight with their partners about gd, or gd mamas whose dh's believe in spanking or whatnot... (i'm not one of them but i know quite a few).  :)  it sounds like that may be a trigger for him, too... 

[tonttu]

I agree with the others , when you are in sudden pain , you react , not think .

My DS 2 almost bit my nipple off ( literally) , when he was almost one and I screamed in , what was the worst pain I ever felt and slapped the side of his thigh .

Did I feel guilty and horrible afterwards for doing it ? You bet ! And I still do , even though , it´s been over 12 years now , and my other babies have bit me as well , not as bad as he did , but still noticeable . And by then , I had a plan on how to act , if that happens again .

I put my pinky in the corner of baby´s mouth , to 1 . stop it from biting any deeper and 2 . opening it´s mouth .

Worked really well for us .

And your husband´s comment , sorry , but maybe she should suddenly bite him really hard and then we can see , how he reacts , before he judges you .

Bottom line is , if you WERE a bad mother , you wouldn´t worry about popping her , and you wouldn´t bother putting it on the forum either .

So , don´t worry , keep a battle plan for incidents like that and try to stick to it , and I am saying "try" , because sometimes , when you are a parent , you still encounter moments , when all your intentions fall apart , for whatever reason .

I have 5 kids and there are still moments , when I want to run out of the house screaming and everything I am doing , seems to be wrong , but that is how it is , being a parent

It´s live and learn , constantly , and when worse comes to worse , I figure , tomorrow is a new day !

[SuzyLee]

I have lightly wacked both my kids several times when they have bitten. My 3 yr old will still occassionally bite and one time he came up behind me and bit me hard. I pushed backward against him ( not even really realizing it was him, just reacting to the pain) and knocked him down. He was FINE but I felt bad!

I don't think people should beat themselves up over that kind of thing. It is normal social human behavior for something like that to happen if you bite, that part of how they learn.

Every time I have done it, it was a matter of my instant reaction, not some thought-out "he bit me so I will spank/bite him back/etc."

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by SuzyLee 

I don't think people should beat themselves up over that kind of thing. It is normal social human behavior for something like that to happen if you bite, that part of how they learn.

Agreed. Please stop beating yourself up about it, mama. I might have done the same thing myself. And while I don't want to cause any waves.....I think your husband's reaction to you was inappropriate and disrespectful in itself. Maybe HE was just having a gut reaction, too....but the fact that he basically told you off and then left...? I think he owes you an apology personally. But if you're ok with it, then ok--- just wanted to say that in case it validated anything that you were already feeling deep inside about it.

[mom2happy]

Unless you hit your DH when you are angry, I don't see why he would think that it means you are going to be a hitter.

Reacting to pain is different than reacting to a defiant, misbehaving child.

Maybe you can explain to him that this was an impulse (like swatting a mosquito away), not a punishment.

[seaheroine]

Originally Posted by coffeegirl 

Agreed. Please stop beating yourself up about it, mama. I might have done the same thing myself. And while I don't want to cause any waves.....I think your husband's reaction to you was inappropriate and disrespectful in itself. Maybe HE was just having a gut reaction, too....but the fact that he basically told you off and then left...? I think he owes you an apology personally. But if you're ok with it, then ok--- just wanted to say that in case it validated anything that you were already feeling deep inside about it.

ITA.  Don't beat yourself up, mama - I think many of us have been through the exact same thing.  It happened to me, too, and I felt the same way.  I'm currently in the middle of the toddler head-butting (and kicking, it's lovely) a PP posted about.  It's going to happen - as mothers we try our best each day and need to hit reset sometimes and not hold on to guilt.  None of us are perfect!

I also agree about your husband's reaction...he does owe you an apology.  Sure, he was shocked and even angry, but he needs to check his reaction and try to see the situation from your point of view.  DH spanked our 3yo once and it was horrible.  He cried and we talked about it, and discussed strategies for better resolution, maintaining our patience, etc.  I told him not to feel guilty and that I wasn't mad at him, because, well, I've been there.  I know the frustration and I've experienced it (as a SAHM) a lot more than he has.  He was sorry and mad enough at himself.  We are a team and for me, that meant discussion, not anger.  We try to hold each other up to be the best parent we can be, not berate the other when a mistake is made.  I think you should tell your DH something along those lines, because the frustration level a toddler can push parents to can be a bit out-of-this-world.  I'm sure he'll find himself in a similar situation soon enough.