S/O When/how to talk about sex with a child who doesn't ask?

[LynnS6]

The thread about when to talk about the mechanics of sex got me thinking about our 9, soon to be 10, year old son.

Ds knows the mechanics of sex largely because his (younger) sister eagerly asked questions, and then would relay the information. "Did you know that babies are made when an egg from mommy and a sperm from daddy come together?" At age 7 or so, ds asked the question of just how the sperm and egg come together. I told him.

Since that day, he hasn't asked a single question or really exhibited any interest. That however is not an indication that he's not interested, just that he's not sharing. Ds is an introvert, fairly private, and a thinker. He's getting to an age where he needs to know about puberty and the body changes that are going to happen. He doesn't show any outward signs of puberty yet. (I know because he's sorely lacking in self-care skills and I still help him wash his hair -- we're working on that skill, but because of his sensory issues, it's tough.) But I know they're coming.

We've got books on the subject (I just bought two age appropriate ones for ds), but I don't really want to do what my parents did with us, which is give us the books and then not talk about it again.

Any ideas on how to raise the subject with a child who's not raising it himself? (And should I just throw this in dh's lap and avoid it altogether? )

[Terrilein]

I would totally hand this one over to DH. Your introvert son might not relish having a discussion on intimate stuff with his mom. I guess I'd find a good book that your DH also finds appropriate and which both of you read beforehand. Then let your DH give him the book, have a little talk, and instruct ds to ask his father any questions he may have.

[incorrigible]

I'm not really "the talk" type...

I just keep my personal filter on a low setting around my kids (not other people's. lol) in general. There's a lot of sex in our culture, so sexual issues come up all the time. I make off hand comments when we hear things on the radio or see them on tv. When the kids seem confused by something I ask if they know what it is/means. If I think it's a bit much for them, I'll ask "do you WANT to know?" and if they say yes, I explain it. There are definitely things that come up that I tell them they don't want to know. Every once in a while they insist they do and I explain and they regret insisting on an answer...so they trust my judgment. If anything, I lean toward being too open with them so if *I* think it's too much, it really must be too much! lol

If you want another book though, a friend gave DS "The Cartoon Guide to Sex" when he went through some things I had to farm him out to guy friends for because I didn't have first hand understanding. (before I married dh. I was single for about 8-9yrs with no help from biodad). It is AWESOME. I highly recommend it for everyone. Child or adult, regardless of your level of knowledge or experience. It's fun and funny and a guarantee you'll learn something, no matter how much you know!

[One_Girl]

I just read the books to my dd when she was 7, we are readers anyways so it was really easy for me to just introduce the book and read it without it being a big deal.  I told her I though she would be interested in it because it was a normal thing everyone goes through (she had just started puberty at the time also so I felt like she really needed to know that it was normal).  I was a little more hesitant to just jump in with a book about sex and I put it off until dd pointed out she actually did know what sex was when I told my brother there were little ears in the room who didn't know what sex was.  She gave me a description of what oral sex was and I decided it was time for the age appropriate books.  We also discuss both subjects from time to time, usually she brings up puberty because she is excited about the changes and I bring up sex. 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

I just read the books to my dd when she was 7, we are readers anyways so it was really easy for me to just introduce the book and read it without it being a big deal.  I told her I though she would be interested in it because it was a normal thing everyone goes through (she had just started puberty at the time also so I felt like she really needed to know that it was normal).  I was a little more hesitant to just jump in with a book about sex and I put it off until dd pointed out she actually did know what sex was when I told my brother there were little ears in the room who didn't know what sex was.  She gave me a description of what oral sex was and I decided it was time for the age appropriate books.  We also discuss both subjects from time to time, usually she brings up puberty because she is excited about the changes and I bring up sex. 

See, this will work very well with dd who's been interested in this since she was 3. But ds hasn't outwardly shown any interest, and gets all embarrassed when suggest reading the book together. I don't think I missed my window of opportunity, either, as he got all embarrassed at 7 too. Thankfully, dd hasn't given me a description of oral sex! That would freak me just a bit.