Call from the Principal today...WWYD?

[monkeybum]

My 7 and 4 year old boys think seeing someone's underwear, saying "pee pee" and "poo poo" are hilarious, and they constantly laugh if they see each other's underwear, they throw it at each other etc..  We've talked consistently about how certain things are innapropriate, but they still think it's funny.  We've talked about how it is very impolite to talk about those kinds of things unless it is in the appropriate context, ("I have to go pee", or "Where is my underwear"), but sometimes they get joking around and on some levels I feel it's harmless if it's at home and not offending anyone.

Nonetheless, we do a token-type rewards system where they earn or lose tokens depending on certain behaviours, and one way to lose a token is to say "bad words".  Bad words include pee pee, poo poo, p*nis, b*m, etc. unless it is appropriate context (i.e. it can't be used as name calling, or things like "come and look at my b*m").

All that to say, I know they think it's silly and funny to see someone's underwear.  DS (7) is also a bit of a class clown, this is how he gets attention.  He is also very honest and I've never known him to lie.

He came home from school last week and told me that he almost had to go to the Principal's office because he showed his friends his underwear at lunch time, he said he did it because he wanted them to laugh.  (He was telling me in case I got a call from the school).  I explained how this was innapropriate, asked why he did it, we discussed why he shouldn't do it, and other ways to make friends etc. I even told him that if he was an adult and did that he could actually go to jail.  

His teacher asked to speak to me the next day, and I told her that he had already told me and that we had spoken.  She said he was very embarassed b/c she had spoken to him about it, (he really likes her) and she didn't think it would happen again.

Well I got a call from the Principal today that there was another incident today, apparently the same thing happened but this time the lunch supervisor took him to the offfice.  The Principal said she has a son the same age and didn't want to totally upset him and wreck his day, and that she thought getting sent to the Principals office would be enough to get the message that it was not ok.  She said he was very embarassed and very apologetic, saying he knew it was not ok and said he was sorry.  She had just wanted me to know.

I'm sure he will tell me what happened, and if not I can start it by asking if there is anything he wants to tell me.  Any idea on how to handle this?  I feel like he already knows it's wrong, he said it wasn't going to happen again, yet it did.  Should there be some kind of punishment?

Any ideas are welcome.

[One_Girl]

I think that you should very seriously tell him you got a call about him doing the same thing he agreed not to do again last week and that you expect to never get a call about him doing such inappropriate things to get attention at school again.  I don't think a punishment is in order because she was just giving you a heads up, but I do think the time for letting him talk to you about it is past and that you should bring it up first, use a very serious tone, then move on.  I have found that letting my dd know my expectation then moving on as though I am so sure she will live up to my expectation that I don't need to drone on in a nagging tone really helps a lot.  She takes me more seriously and my voice is saved a lot of work. 

Reconsidering how much attention you give to the pee, butt, poop, etc... words may also help because they won't be so forbidden and hilarious.  My dd had a deep fascination with these words for a long time but having the chance to say them at home usually helped her not say them in inappropriate ways, and when it didn't a reminder was all she needed.  I would imagine that his behavior would have to be very outside of the range of normal and acceptable for him to be brought to the principals office because these words and this subject are very fascinating to kids that age.  At this age even girls seem to bond, especially initially, by using these words in wildly outrageous ways so giving him room to do that at home may help him to have the outlet he needs.   

[LynnS6]

I wouldn't impose a punishment -- he's had the consequence at school. And while inappropriate, showing someone your underwear is pretty mild (he wasn't showing them his private parts, he was showing them his underwear -- for me there's a big difference).

If he does it again (I certainly hope not), then I think an appropriate consequence would be to lose the privilege of being unsupervised. So, he'd have to eat lunch under the direct supervision of the lunch aides, or in the office, or something like that. He might also lose the privilege of being outside unsupervised with this friends.

Then at home, I'd work on teaching him some jokes (get him a joke book), and I'd send him to the bathroom every time he starts up with the potty humor. Calmly, boringly say "that's potty humor. If you want to talk like that, go to the bathroom by yourself."

(And then I'd consider changing my username to something you'd let your kids say )

[sapphire_chan]

Did he think the problem the first time was that he did it during class?  And then the second time he waited for lunch, which is free time?

Actually, I don't entirely understand why they cared about him showing his underwear during recess. But apparently they do care and you do care so I'd just make sure he knows that it's the underwear thing that's the issue and it doesn't matter what time or place he needs to keep his underwear in his pants.

And keep up hope, afterall he was showing his undies to make people laugh, not to make them mad. He's attention-seeking for positive attention not negative.

[monkeybum]

Thanks Mammas.  Okay I totally didn't even clue in that I have the word "bum" in my username!  Doh!  Ironically, this was his nickname that I called him as an infant.

I see that I didn't really clarify - he apparently (both times) pulled his pants down to reveal his underwear.  The school wasn't as concerned with the fact that anyone saw his underwear, it was more tied to pulling his pants down that was the issue.  I agree that this is an issue, and concerns me around his potentially exposing himself too.

He was bullied at a different school before he came to this school and the kids pulled his pants down - not sure if it's related, likely not.  I feel

kind of sad for him as he hasn't really made any friends this year (first year at a new school) and this is likely his way of getting the kids to "like" him or at least pay attention to him.

:-I

[chaimom]

He's in 2nd grade? I know boys think that's funny.  I have twin 8 yo's.  But it's not OK and they know better. I guess I'm a mean mom, because I would give him a punishment.  He told you it wouldn't happen again, and it did.  IMO, he needs a consequence.  I would probably have him fold the laundry (especially underwear) this week, or take away computer privileges for a few days.  Nothing terribly serious, but a consequence lets him know you care and will give him a chance to think about it while he's folding or not on the computer.  There are things OK for home and things OK for school. 

Sounds like he also might need to hear some ideas on appropriate ways to interact with kids, if you think he's doing it to get attention and try to make friends. Can you talk to his teacher and find out if she has any ideas? 

(OMG!-- as I was writing this my boys just came over to me with their underwear pulled up as high as it would go out of their pants, laughing. Hmmm... even third grade boys find underwear funny!) 

[ollyoxenfree]

Lots of kids find bathroom humour hilarious at that age. Just look at books and movies for them - The Day My Butt Went Psycho, Zombie Butts From Uranus, Captain Underpants....

It takes some patience for them to outgrow it (and sadly, some never do. Lots of toilet humour in major Hollywood comedies these days). I'm pretty sure the school is used to it, and has seen far worse than this. I'd reinforce that words, jokes, and stories may be okay but actions, like stripping down to underpants, are not. Even then, there's a time and a place for the jokes. I LOVE the idea of confining toilet humour to the bathroom. I also like the suggestion to expand their tastes in humour to other types of jokes with joke and riddle books. IF it happens again and your kids are reading lots of Captain Underpants and other books like that, perhaps a consequence should be removing those books for awhile.