signle mom still practicing ATTACHMENT PARENTING ugh!

[darcytrue]

I was seeing someone who would constantly question my AP styles. He didn't agree with it at all and didn't understand it. In fact, he would often ask why I alway pick up my 1 yr old when she would cry over just anything and baby her. He said I needed to start NOW letting her cry and get over stuff or else she would grow up needing me to always comfort her. :(  Do all men think this way? Plus, the fact that my kids will never be another mans kids worries me. I have co-slept, home schooled (still do btw) and all the other stuff that comes along with that. I just don't see a man undersatnding all that. I see them thinking I am attached to my kids so much that they can never get in between that and even be selfish of it.

[lynsage]

No, all men do not think that way and I dated two guys who were fine with AP. I am currently married to the second one and he has never ONCE encouraged CIO or any other anti-AP practices. Some men might think in the ways you are describing, but they are not all like that and you can find someone who is in accordance with you on these issues!

One thing I did when I was dating was I told people up front about my AP style of parenting and let it be known that if the relationship got serious, I would expect them to support me in my parenting practices. If they didn't agree we could date casually, but they could never meet my daughter or get past dating just for fun and no official relationship. This worked fine for me. I discussed circumcision with the man who is now my husband on our second date! I know it sounds nuts but I wanted to be straightforward with him. 

Bottom line, when you meet the right person they will be on board with AP. If they're not, then they're clearly not meant for you!

Edited by lynsage - 3/14/11 at 7:32am

[bananabee]

Hmm. You're just seeing him, and already he is criticizing some of the most important decisions you've made about how to raise children. Eh. I say on to the next. Mr. Right will respect and value your opinion at least enough to read up on the concepts before telling you you're parenting wrong. The stress that his kind of mentality would bring into your family would be horrendous. He'd be annoyed all the time at your kids and would try to overcompensate for what he considers your leniency. Your kids would hate him because they'd never feel respected, and you'd be caught in the middle.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by darcytrue 

I was seeing someone who would constantly question my AP styles. He didn't agree with it at all and didn't understand it. In fact, he would often ask why I alway pick up my 1 yr old when she would cry over just anything and baby her. He said I needed to start NOW letting her cry and get over stuff or else she would grow up needing me to always comfort her. :(  Do all men think this way? Plus, the fact that my kids will never be another mans kids worries me. I have co-slept, home schooled (still do btw) and all the other stuff that comes along with that. I just don't see a man undersatnding all that. I see them thinking I am attached to my kids so much that they can never get in between that and even be selfish of it.

Is this the same guy you posted about before? I'm just asking, because it sounds like his stuff.

No - all men are not like that. If this is the same guy, please do not use him as any kind of yardstick for what's out there. He wasn't/isn't rational at all. DH has been totally supportive of my AP style, including when it was just me, him and ds1 (who was 8 when dh moved in, and is from my first marriage). Men aren't all the same.

[AttunedMama]

No, not all men.

My Abuse Troll (that I told you about) even thought my parenting was way cool. He spoke well of how my kids actually listened to me (without me being an ass to them), praised my questioning of 'conventional' practices, and could actually do a good punk on some of the things I reject (institutional birth, artificial milk substitutes, etc).

Of course, because he was an abusive brat, he would still find little ways to try to gaslight me, and my parenting wasn't exempt. I started really seeing his inability to be my man when he first asked how we would sleep if we got married. It just bothered me b/c he barely knew my kids, and to me, who cares? The kids are only going to get bigger and who-sleeps-where is so minor. He wasn't even nasty about asking, I guess I'm just uber-sensitive about someone's place in my babies' world. It was spot-on with Abuse Troll, and probably was not the first indication that he was also applying to be my child! My real babies are WAY easier to care for than that guy was.

My last real boyfriend who was a great guy was amazingly supportive of me/my children and fell deeply in love with them. They are still best friends (years later) even though he and I were never going to get off the ground. It's kind of cool, turned out to be a very avuncular role that my kids otherwise don't have.

[Phoenix~Mama]

No, definitely not all guys are like that.  The right guy will support and respect your decisions regarding your children.

[insidevoice]

They aren't all like that at all. My husband is incredibly supportive of my parenting style, and while his is not exactly the same, he is very respectful.  My oldest is from a previous relationship, and DH has been wonderful with her, and has been very respectful of the choices I have made with her even when he doesn't understand them completely.  He was brought up in a very emotionally distant and emotionally manipulative family, so much of the way I parent was very new to him, but he has embraced it. 

We are now married with more kids in the family, and we're pretty content- and while I know he would love to have the bedroom back for us (heck, at this point, so would I sometimes!) he knows that forcing the kids out before they are ready isn't going to happen, and isn't how we have agreed to parent.  He loves me for the parent I am, and recognizes that sometimes that means our relationship takes a bit of a backseat. Moreover, he loves me for being that kind of a parent. 

I think that at this point in your journey, I would just enjoy the kids and heal for a while before worrying about a partner.  Based on your last post, you aren't in a place where you are comfortable being alone, and I suspect that in order to be truly confident as a parent and a partner, you need to sort that out first. 

[newsolarmomma2]

No, all men are NOT like that. There are all types, but ANY man worth your affection would at least try to support you and understand why you do what you do. My LP is much more AP than I am, and loves cosleeping as much or more than me. Really, he is a baby hog- he always wants to cuddle Ds to sleep instead of letting me do it. But LP is a snuggle bug (Im not), and very intuitive and empathetic, so it makes sense he would be AP like.

There are some things you shouldn't compromise on- this is one of them. Plus, it's disrespectful to butt in and tell you how to parent without even bothering to try to see it your way. Unless he is a FT parent to your kid too, he has no business commenting on your parenting unless it's abusive (obviously it's not).

There are men who will love your kid like their own too. when they truly love the mama, they often learn to love the kid too. Its not unusual! YOU CAN find a man that will share your ideals, you deserve nothing less!!!

[*MamaJen*]

No, not all men are like that. My boyfriend is great (sweet, educated, respectful, fun) and he's pro-homebirthing and AP. He tells me constantly that he thinks I'm a great mother. And he's supportive of me nursing my three year old (and also supportive of me talking about how I'm starting to feel ready to wean.)

Please don't judge other men by your ex (and please please please make sure he stays an ex.) That man was abusive. It wasn't that he didn't like AP, it was that he didn't like anything that took the attention off him. Quite frankly, a guy like that would probably have made your children go away if he could.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen* .

 

Quite frankly, a guy like that would probably have made your children go away if he could.
 

Not to mention your money, self-worth, and sanity.

For real, even my casual friends are nice to/about my kids.

[GoBecGo]

All men are not like that.  DP is very pro-AP.  

There are princes out there sweetheart.  I'm glad you've stopped kissing that particular toad :) x

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by newsolarmomma2 


There are men who will love your kid like their own too. when they truly love the mama, they often learn to love the kid too. Its not unusual!

 

I wanted to chime in with a "yeah, that!!".

DH isn't ds1's "real" father. They met when ds1 was 7, and dh moved in with us when ds1 was 8. Two days later, I came home from work (took a couple days off when he moved in) to find ds1 at the table with his homework almost finished, the living room clean, dinner on the stove (and dh didn't know how to cook, and was really anxious about it, because he has a form of colour blindness that makes some aspects of cooking - mostly checking for doneness - kind of challenging...but he did it, anyway). DH met me at the door, took my bag, gave me a kiss, and said "welcome home"...and I burst into tears.

Whoops - got sidetracked from the stepfather aspect. Four months after he moved in, dh was a Cub Scout leader, because ds1's troop needed one more leader, and he was the only other parent who had volunteered. He showed up for meetings and Group Committee meetings (with me, after a while, as I became the Treasurer, and eventually Registrar) for the next four years, and only stopped because the troop didn't run Scouts anymore, only Cubs and Beavers, so ds1 couldn't continue with the group, and we had dd1. Before he moved up here, dh was visiting and we had the kids (ds1 and my oldest nephew) to the park, and ds1 hurt his ankle. DH carried him eight blocks home. DH and I took the boys to swimming lessons, and dh went if I couldn't, for months. He hugged ds1 when he hurt himself, and helped him with his homework and just acted like a dad. He's worked with me on discipline issues, household rules and guidelines. Since he started financially supporting us (I was the income earner for the first couple of years), he's paid for ds1's birthday presents, Christmas presents, parties, extracurriculars (acting classes, gymnastics fees, choir fees, science "field trip" - one week, etc. etc. etc.) without batting an eyelash. I get no child support, so this has all come from dh, since I'm home with the kids.

When we had dd1, dh told me she was his joy and happiness and that he felt awful for ds1, because "as much as I love him, I'm not ever going to love him like this, and it's just not fair to him". And...it was just so touching and so sweet...and he wsan't even right. I don't know that he loves ds1 just like he'd love his own - I don't - I'm not in dh's heart - but I do know that there is no visible difference, and that I personally believe that what he was talking about had a lot more to do with the differences between how one interacts with a 7, 8 or 10 year old (ds1 was 10 when dd1 was born) and how one interacts with a newborn. DH never had that intensity that comes with a newborn in his relationship with ds1, but there's no lack of love...not in any way. They're completely different people in almost every way (dh is introverted, a bit anti-social, and very math/logic based, while ds1 is highly extraverted, social and very creative/artistic in his thinking)...but they love each other very much.

A real dad doesn't have to be the bio-dad.