Hugs for Misbehavior

[not_telling]

DS is one of those normal kids who wants/needs a hug (preferably from mama) when he's upset.  And I, of course, freely give these comforting hugs.  It feels kinda weird, though, when he's upset because of a consequence of misbehavior and says he needs a hug.  Example from tonight:  He was getting a little rammy.  He stood on the sofa and threw a ball.  I said "Be careful about where you throw that ball.  Only throw low, please."  He then proceeded to retrieve the ball and hurl it, intentionally, at the TV screen.  I said, firmly, "That's it" and took the ball and put it in the kitchen where he couldn't get it.  The normal consequence when he's not using something appropriately.  Then he started "crying" (more like fake crying) and saying he "needed a huggie."  I was in the process of walking to the kitchen to take my vitamin and asked why he needed a hug, and he didn't really have an answer.  He followed me to the kitchen and as I took my vitamin he said "I got the ball again" and I saw he had picked it up and I said he were taking a break from the ball until tomorrow.  Then he did the fall-down-on-the-floor thing and started crying and when DH tried to get his upstairs to get ready for bed he kept saying he needed a huggie.

So, I understand that he feels upset when he's experienced a consequence and that he'd like comfort.  And generally, unless I happen to be really mad/frustrated at the moment, I give him the hug.   But there's something about the fact that he's done something he shouldn't do and made me and/or DH upset/frustrated...and now he gets a hug for it...that doesn't sit quite right with me.

Anyone else experience this?  Wanna help me think this through?

[treeoflife3]

My kiddo always wants a hug too and for me, I see it as her needing love from me to make sure my anger or frustration hasn't removed that love.  Normally, she is shown love with smiles and laughter so it might be worrying for her knowing she did something I didn't like and now I'm not smiling or laughing... kind of just touching base like a 'I'm sorry mommy, I love you... you love me still, right?' kind of deal.

I'm happy to hug her.  I DO still love her and my hugging her and letting her know my love is unconditional doesn't change the consequence she has to receive.  So in the situation you outlined, I'd hug her and let her know I'm sorry she is upset that she lost her ball but we need to take a break until she is ready to play with it nicely.

I think it sounds like you are concerned it is a manipulation tactic, and it certainly could be on a parent who decides to just give the ball back since kiddo is crying and hugging, but you CAN hug your kiddo and let them know you understand their feelings while still holding firm to the rules you set in place.

[physmom]

I've always hugged DD if she needed one after she got in trouble for something.  Normally I explain the situation and tell her that I still love her but that I don't love whatever the behavior is.  She gets really freaked out when I get mad (even if I'm the slightest bit mad not like yelling at the top of my lungs mad) so she'll normally asks me immediately if I'm mad too (I will tell her yes because of whatever she did but then remind her again that I still love her).  She's definitely one who needs reassurance afterwards that I still love her. 

[Nicole730]

Depending on the scenario, I will usually stop and hug in the middle to comfort and then continue on with the consequence.  My son is almost 3 now, so I'm starting to ask him to take a few deep breaths, calm down, stop crying/whining first and the I will give him a hug.  This is because a lot of times the "I want a hug" comes just as he needs to go take a break for a bit because he is worked up over something little.

[not_telling]

Originally Posted by treeoflife3 

My kiddo always wants a hug too and for me, I see it as her needing love from me to make sure my anger or frustration hasn't removed that love.  Normally, she is shown love with smiles and laughter so it might be worrying for her knowing she did something I didn't like and now I'm not smiling or laughing... kind of just touching base like a 'I'm sorry mommy, I love you... you love me still, right?' kind of deal.

Yeah, this makes total sense.

I'm not really concerned that it could be a manipulation tactic.  I think DS knows me well enough at this point to know that I am firm in the boundaries I set.  I think it's just....it feels kind of hard to explain.  I guess, imagine that a friend of yours has done something to piss you off.  You tell your friend that what they've done has pissed you off.  Your friend's response is to ask you to give her a hug.  You pissed me off and now you want me to give you a hug??  Does that make sense?

I'm not about to deprive DS of hugs and love.  And we do have the "I still love you but I was really frustrated" talks.  I guess the logic of it, from my emotional standpoint, was eluding me a bit.

[greenemami]

Interesting post..I have struggled with this feeling too.  I give the hugs, but sometimes it feels weird to me in the middle of being mad and frustrated.  Thanks for sharing!

[crunchy_mommy]

The way I think of it is like this -- the consequence of his actions is removal of the ball, NOT removal of your love and affection. It's not a hug for misbehavior, it's a hug to help him deal with the consequences. It's hard to deal with the consequences of things (even for adults). Say your kid is now a teenager and crashed his brand new car. Are you not going to give him hugs and support when he's upset about the damage, just because it's his fault and that's the consequence of not driving carefully? (Of course, at that point, he probably won't want mom's hugs anymore lol) Or say his pet gerbil died because he forgot to feed him (hope this wouldn't actually happen!) -- would you just say, sorry, suck it up, you don't get affection for doing something wrong... Am I making sense? So I think you are doing everything right -- not that my opinion matters lol -- and I see no reason not to give hugs and if anything it might help diffuse your own anger or frustration (I know toddler hugs always make me feel better!!)

[tjlucca]

Originally Posted by Nicole730 

Depending on the scenario, I will usually stop and hug in the middle to comfort and then continue on with the consequence.  My son is almost 3 now, so I'm starting to ask him to take a few deep breaths, calm down, stop crying/whining first and the I will give him a hug.  This is because a lot of times the "I want a hug" comes just as he needs to go take a break for a bit because he is worked up over something little.

I do this too. The need for a hug seems to be coming from a desire for reassurance that I still love DD even though the boundary has been drawn on a given behavior. DD is five and we are working on breathing so that we are able to talk to each other about what has happened. Usually somewhere in there she will ask for a hug, or reach for me. I give her the reassurance, then we continue to talk about the "natural consequence" that her behavior has produced. 

[sapphire_chan]

You're giving them a hug because they really want the universe to be different and it isn't.

For us, it generally involves me talking to dd while I'm hugging "You really wanted to play with grandma's breakable vase, but that's grandma's special thing and it needs to stay on that really high shelf. I know, you are really sad about things." blahblahblahetcetc.