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Do you hide your SEX books from your kids? - Page 2

post #21 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebirdmama1 View Post

Thanks everyone for the responses. I normally would not even be asking this as I was struggling with my own sexuality as I was not allowed to even say the word sex growing up and was taught it was evil. I am only now changing my ways and have purchased sex books as a way to finally overcome my issues. I realized that the way I was raised thinking that sex was evil and the only sex book my parents had I found and read and it was thrown out right when they found out. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that sex is evil and now I don't even know what to teach. I don't have playboy magazines but more like books called Aphrodites Daughters - a book about womens empowerment spiritually through sexuality. It has no pictures but it does have some pretty descriptive stories through the whole book. Or another book about womens anatomy of arousal and it mainly has pictures of a womans vagina not a totally sexy picture book. Should a kid even see this? I don't want my kids to grow up like I did and want my dd especially to be proud of her womanhood someday. I don't want to pull the books out one day when the kids are 16 and say "surprise!" A whole other world you don't know about.


 

ITA.

I grew up in a religion that stifled women (imo) and alllllll sexuality. The only things I read about sex as a teen were church pamphlets about how horrible 'unpure' thoughts were, and how masturbation would send you right to hell.

,

Now that we are grown and getting married, I hear about friends going to the Dr to be "stretched" for their husbands ( :0 <- face of horror) and how some are incapable of intercourse because they tighten up and make sex impossible and at the best painful. THEN people think there must be something wrong or going on because they have been married X ammt of time and they don't have children.

 

It's a hot mess. I DON'T want my children to be like this. But I remember an experience from my childhood that kinda... stuck with me in a very big way. I think being unable process the experience (a friend 'humping' a stuffed animal, so not abuse ;)) coupled with the view my religion put on sexuality gave me a big stumbling block in figuring out my own sexuality.

 

But I don't know what to do :) I don't know if it's better to have books out, or what books to leave out. I wish there was a good rule!

post #22 of 35

I have lots of books about sex and sexuality. I hide the ones that are overtly non-vanilla instruction manuals, but I had never considered hiding novels or theory books that contain sex, even Anais Nin or Story of O. I don't even hide Patrick Califia or Susie Bright, much less a position book. I don't even think I own a positions book or a Kama Sutra book, but if I did it wouldn't occur to me to hide it. Nor do I hide my art books which may or may not be considered too graphic. We are really straight forward with our son about pretty controversial topics.

post #23 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebirdmama1 View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Aubergine68 View Post

When I was 7 or 8, I stumbled across my parents' hidden collection of naughty reading material and read it avidly - they never found out.  It had a negative and unhealthy effect on my developing sexuality, and I really wish I'd never seen the stuff.  

 

When my oldest started to read, I purged our house of *everything* I would not want to read with her or discuss with her at some point. I got rid of some antique stuff that was racist and sexist as well as some material that I thought was overly sexual.  I'm not a prude - I still have literature with naughty bits, including the odd romance novel.  But the value of it as literature had to be there.

 

 

 

 




Would you mind going more into this? If you are not comfortable it is ok.


I'm ok with it, but I'm not sure what you want to know.....

 

re: stuff I found when I was a kid - not the kama sutra (that might have been ok, actually)   Cosmopolitan/ Penthouse type stuff and 70s porn novels.  To give an extremely mild example, really, I could have lived my entire life  more happily without ever seeing that nude centerfold of Burt Reynolds.... :P  

 

To make a long story short, these gave me ideas about what sex was all about and the roles of men and women in sexual relationships that caused me problems when I started dating and that I needed to unlearn later.  I'd far rather have found the kama sutra or something that promoted sex as a more beautiful, even spiritual experience, yk?  I found some materials in a storage place under a carpet while playing, and once I knew it was in the house, I went through closets and drawers to find what other stuff my parents were hiding from me....I found a box of condoms and ripped them apart to play with..I think I was trying to get my parents to talk to me about all these mysterious secrets, but no one ever talked to me about that one. There was also not a lot of modeling of or discussion of what makes a healthy relationship or what normal/healthy sexuality is all about in my family, beyond a copy of a decent "where babies come from" book given to me for a birthday.

 

We do tell our kids that our closet shelves up high are off limits and private - it is where we store things like Christmas presents, as well as personal items.  As they get older, they have more privacy themselves, too....we tell them that if they have questions, we'll answer them but that mom and dad keep things private for good reasons and they just don't need or want to know what is up there.  So far, that has worked.

 

re:  purging bookshelves -  my guiding principle was that I did not want any books around the house that I would be ashamed of owning or reading in any context or that I might regret my children finding or showing to their friends.  I needed to declutter anyway!  Dh and I did some thinking about what our values are and got rid of anything that seemed of poor quality, anything that we did not love, anything we did not respect ourselves for owning.  It certainly wasn't all about sexually explicit materials - we got rid of stuff that depicted disturbing violence with no redeeming reason, and magazine subscriptions that promoted values we didn't respect.  We also got rid of a lot of adult and children's books that were just of such poor quality it seemed like it would be a waste of time to read them anymore.

 

 

I hope this makes sense - I do not want to advocate a particular way of dealing with this issue or particular standards that I think anyone else should follow.   I just want to model healthy choices and self-respect for my kids on every level I can.  If my children do stumble across anything that dh and I would rather keep private, well, it happens, we'll deal with it.  I just want them to look back as adults and respect us for the way we handled our relationship and our sexuality, y'know?

 

post #24 of 35

I don't know. I guess it depends on the book.

 

DD7 has seen all of my pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding books and we are pretty naked family (meaning that it's no big deal to see each other naked or in the bathroom, but please wear underpants when doing splits and summersalts in the livingroom.

 

Some of my books have graphic illistrations of anatomy and one has drawings of different positions that work for heavily pregnant couples. I have no problem with her seeing this stuff. I think it is healthy for her to ask me questions about it and for me to give her honest answers. I see nothing wrong with DD seeing these kinds of education pictures, pictures that do better to explain what sex is and how it happens than just my words.

 

Now, porn and playboy? No way.

 

DH and I do have a set of fantastic sex books that are writen for the adult that probobly never had frank, truthful information about sex and the opposite sex. (I did grow up with a very enlightened mom that talked to me about this stuff, but there was still some info lacking.) The books do go into how the sex organs work and it gives some very prctical information on how to give pleasure to your partner (think along the lines of this is a clitoris and these are the scrotum, NOT this is how you deep throat type stuff.) There is nothing porny about it. Illustrations are all drawings, no photos. I would have no problem with my kids reading these books when they are a little older. I think we would all be a little bit happier and healthier if we all knew the basics about not only making babies, but what actually feels good (as in lubrication is important, NOT how to be a porn star.)

 

Grrrr, I can't get spell check to work. Please forgive my terrible spelling.

post #25 of 35

I agree - it does depend on the book. I'm ok with my DDs taking a book about empowering sexuality and reading through it. Why not? Where else is she going to get her education about health sexuality (other than from what I can provide, of course!) I mean, look at the media around her...the billboards, the shows, the movies, the songs. This is another form of education. TBH I might pepper a few things around *on purpose* to be serendipitously found.

 

ETA: D'oh! Forgot the second half of my response! When I was about 6 or 7, our nanny (who was really young, like 17 or 18) found some magazines that my parents had, and I found her flipping through them. Parents were cleaning the closet and they were just lying around. She was giggling, so I came over and took a look as well. It wasn't hardcor p0rno or anything, more like those cheesy 'gentleman's magazines from the 70s that were had more articles, dirty cartoons, and the odd pic with exposed breasts. I did learn a few things at that age - I still laugh to think about it. It was enlightening ;)

post #26 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebirdmama1 View Post
books called Aphrodites Daughters - a book about womens empowerment spiritually through sexuality. It has no pictures but it does have some pretty descriptive stories through the whole book.
If you have a reader then NO. mainly coz the concept would be hard to understand for a 8 or 9 year old. but i would leave it out (not blatantly) at maybe 12/13.
Or another book about womens anatomy of arousal and it mainly has pictures of a womans vagina not a totally sexy picture book. Should a kid even see this? I don't want my kids to grow up like I did and want my dd especially to be proud of her womanhood someday. I don't want to pull the books out one day when the kids are 16 and say "surprise!" A whole other world you don't know about.

ABSOLUTELY yes. any book that has pictures that would be 'allowed' in a text book is really good. dd by 3 had seen pictures of vaginas and penises and by 5 had learnt all about the whole baby story thru a medical dictionary, from the act of sex to how babies started.

 

make sure though those books are not 'scary'. some of the pictures can be scary looking and i always watched  out for that. at 3 dd was sensitive about certain things.
 

 

post #27 of 35

see with dd she wouldnt have batted an eyelid if she saw that. she is 8 1/2 and her dad doesnt let her see him naked anymore. dd is ok with that but she doesnt understand what the big deal about being naked is. she is still not in the ewww stage yet. however she learnt all the details before she turned 5 and has not shown any interest
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aubergine68 View Post
To give an extremely mild example, really, I could have lived my entire life  more happily without ever seeing that nude centerfold of Burt Reynolds.... :P  

 

post #28 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

see with dd she wouldnt have batted an eyelid if she saw that. she is 8 1/2 and her dad doesnt let her see him naked anymore. dd is ok with that but she doesnt understand what the big deal about being naked is. she is still not in the ewww stage yet. however she learnt all the details before she turned 5 and has not shown any interest
 

 

I'm not really sure what to do with this comment.  I guess I shouldn't have batted an eyelid when I found my parents' stash at a young age?

 

 Some images from that spread *are* widely available online if anyone wants to google them and print them off and leave them about for their young children to find.... if the idea isn't appealing, why do you imagine that might be?  (If the idea *is* appealing to anyone, *please* don't share that thought :-P  .)

 

As a child, I thought nude Burt was pretty gross, was my point -- I still do -- and it had nothing to do with whether or not I knew what a naked male looked like and everything to do with the context.  Heck the sexism of the *ads* in those magazines was pretty creepy in itself. I suspect that most of the stuff that our generation finds sexy is going to be totally cringeworthy for our children's generation when it comes of age.  That's the way it usually goes. I know that my kids don't need  (nor would they want) to see or read *anything* that I, their mom,  would classify as hawt for that reason alone.

 

However in a larger sense, it was not individual pictures, but the narratives and attitudes of written porn that were most damaging to me, and I'm definitely not going into more detail about that.  I'm not talking about art images or  classic literature or academic writings,  some of which do have a place in my home -- on the very top shelves of my bookcases - - if I love them enough to give them permanent space on my shelves.

 

 

 


 

 

post #29 of 35


I agree! I found my parent's sex books when I was 6 or 7, and I never thought of sex or my parents the same way. The whole incident was really disturbing, and I felt like I was introduced to sex in an odd and inappropriate way. 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aubergine68 View Post

When I was 7 or 8, I stumbled across my parents' hidden collection of naughty reading material and read it avidly - they never found out.  It had a negative and unhealthy effect on my developing sexuality, and I really wish I'd never seen the stuff.  

 

When my oldest started to read, I purged our house of *everything* I would not want to read with her or discuss with her at some point. I got rid of some antique stuff that was racist and sexist as well as some material that I thought was overly sexual.  I'm not a prude - I still have literature with naughty bits, including the odd romance novel.  But the value of it as literature had to be there.

 

 

 

 



 

post #30 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aubergine68 View Post

 

I'm not really sure what to do with this comment.  I guess I shouldn't have batted an eyelid when I found my parents' stash at a young age?

LOL i was talking about the center spread of Burt reynolds. if dd ever runs into pictures of naked people she doesnt really bat an eyelid. to her (having grown up around naked people till pretty old, so conciously remembering what daddy and mommy looked like naked) there is no difference between naked and clothed people.

but if you are talking about sexism one doesnt need to look at a centerfold or those kind of magazines. its pretty gross in regular ads and commercials.

 

i will say though i find playboy (at least 20 years ago) images a work of art.

 

post #31 of 35


If that's your introduction to sex, that is an odd way to be introduced.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sublimeliving View Post


I agree! I found my parent's sex books when I was 6 or 7, and I never thought of sex or my parents the same way. The whole incident was really disturbing, and I felt like I was introduced to sex in an odd and inappropriate way. 

 

 



 


Like a PP, I have been very very open with my son from a very early age about sex and sexuality. My husband and I have medical texts laying about and as soon as DS showed an interest, we read those to him and did not shy from showing him the human body, and let him pick what he wanted to learn about. He went through a phase at 4 or 5 where he wanted to know all about the penis and vagina and we told him about ejaculate and how sperm travels to the fallopian tube to get to the egg and the egg chooses which sperm it allows in and showed him pictures. Etc etc etc. We also have explained the renal system, the gastrointestinal system the cardiovascular system and tried to present each as just how the body functions.

 

He has seen naked pictures of human beings as well as medical illustrations from this early age and we have not been shy about being naked around him, though now that he is seven, I have started to dress at least in underwear. That has to do with *my* modesty though.

 

I have shown him art throughout the ages, from Michelangelo's David to Goya to Nan Goldin and I have discussed that some people think that sex is naughty and they develop neuroses concerning it which manifest as shame and they start to depict sex in art or even just talk about it as if it were a sin. We talk about the concept of sin.

 

I know lots of people who would disapprove of this sort of talk. I know a woman who won't let her kid see Spongebob because it's too dangerous, but I think that with my DS, he seems to be developing a very healthy sense of what is right and wrong *for him* and choosing to ignore what he doesn't agree with, instead of thinking that he needs to be like everyone else. He understands that mores are generational and that concepts of morality are not absolute, but very relative to the current culture.

 

My parents discussed nothing with me. I was left to fend for myself. They gave me a really silly book when I was in 4th grade, Where Did I Come From. It was ridiculous and I couldn't bear to look at it. THAT was my introduction to the concept of sex from my parents. By that time I had heard it all already from friends and this was a humiliating experience for me. It was much more humiliating than finding a stash of porn in a shed down the street, which I had found months earlier with two boys from the neighborhood.

 

 

 

post #32 of 35

The closest thing I have to sex books are two Suicide Girl books. (Naked models, no porn). I leave them in the book shelf with everything else. I also have other books with nudity, (pregnancy, bf'ing, hippie books, etc), that are also on the book shelf. I plan on keeping them there since nudity and sex are natural parts of life.

 

If I had graphic or personal sex books or pictures then I probably would keep them somewhere private, (like I would with sex toys or things of that nature), because even though it's natural it wouldn't necessarily be age appropriate.

post #33 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadowMoon View Post

The closest thing I have to sex books are two Suicide Girl books. (Naked models, no porn). I leave them in the book shelf with everything else. I also have other books with nudity, (pregnancy, bf'ing, hippie books, etc), that are also on the book shelf. I plan on keeping them there since nudity and sex are natural parts of life.

 

If I had graphic or personal sex books or pictures then I probably would keep them somewhere private, (like I would with sex toys or things of that nature), because even though it's natural it wouldn't necessarily be age appropriate.


^This.  I think age appropriateness is the biggest issue here.  I want my son to know all about wars and history and how terrible some things (like the Holocaust) were, but the "whole truth" so to speak with all the gory details will come down the line.   I feel the same way about sex.  So if a book wasn't in line with what I felt was age appropriate and building a solid foundation for him, I would probably keep them where he could reach or see.

 

post #34 of 35

I only have one manual and it's on a shelf in my room. Ds is only 6 doesn't pay attention to that shelf, but at some point the title will grab him so I guess I'll put it away. I think there are some illustrations he won't need to see until later. My friend actually bought him a copy of the book for his time capsule we put together on his 1st bday to be opened on his 18th birthday. I will probably take it out and have him get it privately then, so he's not embarassed when he opens the time capsule.

It's very much a manual. My friend loves it because she married her first boyfriend and they were each other's first, so she gives it to people, it's not a very shocking manual.

 

post #35 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama View Post

It's very much a manual. My friend loves it because she married her first boyfriend and they were each other's first, so she gives it to people, it's not a very shocking manual.

 


ooh curious minds want to know what it is.

 

and i would probably be giving that to my child at 14 (or whatever age i felt she was getting active sexually), not 18. i recall reading that kinda book (no pictures, just words) when i was in 8th grade. it was informational as well as about positions. 

 

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