mostly formula fed...miserable (loaded question) - Page 2

[NicolleLynne]

Hi Mama,

First off major hugs.... I've experienced some of what you're going through and I know how hard it is to feel like you've failed your baby on such a fundamental level. My little Z had a weak latch and it was only after weeks and months of struggle, lactation consultants, Fenugreek, Domperidome and painful round-the-clock pumping that we finally were able to get our breastfeeding relationship established. Honestly, it was hell. I was so depressed and anxiety ridden. I couldn't understand why something that seemed to come so easily and naturally for most women had to be so difficult for us. Since DD wasn't gaining in the first few weeks we had to go for daily weigh-ins at the lactation consultant's and to this day, just the sight of a baby scale brings back bad memories.

As for your questions about formula, donor milk, etc... It's such a personal choice, it's hard to advise you but when I was in the midst of my struggles I looked into all these options and decided to try Babys Only Lactose Free Organic formula http://www.naturesone.com/lactose-free/ if things didn't work out with my supply. Fortunately, for me, breastfeeding ended up working out but if it hadn't, this was the choice that felt best to me. All the reviews I read about this product were positive and the research I did on the company that manufactures it, Nature's One, was reassuring. If Baby Only didn't work out for us, my second choice was making my own formula from goat's milk using the recipe I found here: http://www.westonaprice.org/childrens-health/319-recipes-for-homemade-baby-formula.html.

I did look into the milk sharing but for the reasons MJB mentioned above, just couldn't go through with it. I didn't think a mother would lie to me about the safety of her milk but was worried about what she herself may not be aware of, the dangers of medications, an infection she may not know she has, the quality of the food she eats, etc... I do believe this is a valid and healthful choice for some mamas and babies but it wasn't right for me.

More than anything mama, you should know that breastfeeding is only one of many, many ways to love and nurture your little one. As hard as I fought to make it happen for me and my DD, I do sometimes think a bit too much is made of it. especially in settings like this one. It seems, at times, we're made to feel that breastfeeding is the end all, be all, ultimate measure of a mama and formula feeding is akin to child abuse. I've even read posts where mamas came right out and said, "formula is poison", with no thought of how a statement like that might wound a mother like yourself, who's tried so very hard to give her baby the best. Be easy on yourself mama, be gentle. You've done a stupendous job thus far with feeding. What your little one needs most from you, beyond milk, beyond anything else, is your love. Do what you need to do for yourself to be wholly present and peaceful for your babe. Let go of guilt. You're a wonderful mother and as with every other trial of babyhood, this too shall pass, you'll find your way through it and you and your daughter are going to be just fine.

[gossamer]

If you get from a donor bank, the moms have been screened for any drug use etc.  I had a son who was requiring 16 oz a day while I was at work, and I couldn't pump that much, so I had a dear friend who had an overabundance of supply who gave me some of her frozen milk to supplement.  The only problem I see is that if your daughter is allergic to something, it can be hard to find a donor willing to abstain from whatever that is.  I wish you luck and hope that you have found some good ideas here.

[GoBecGo]

My eldest is 4, nearly 5 now.  

When she gestating my thyroid went crazy as a result, despite trying all the stuff you listed, she was supplemented with FF from 4months and fully weaned onto FF at 7 months.

She's nearly 5 and it still hurts.  PM if you want Mama, i'd love to talk.  It's really really hard.  For me it was having not only to rationalise FEEDing the baby a different way, but actually losing sight of the vision of the sort of PARENT i would be.  It sounds so simplistic now, but before i had DD i thought "well of course i'll breastfeed" and i can remember sitting FFing her and thinking "who am i?".  It was really really hard.  

I'm currently nursing DD2, and it has gone so so much better!  We're at 9months, going strong AND i managed to donate my surplus (so no one was missing out) to a friend's 8 month old for 4 months.  It was really positive and healing - donation can be as useful for the donor as the recipients.

Meantime if i were you i would try switching formulas and see if you can try to help some of the issues your babe is having.  We are all doing our best, i promise you that my success this time stemmed from the absence of the issues i faced last time, not anything "better" about who i am or what i tried.  Sometimes it doesn't work out.  You've done an INCREDIBLE job giving your babe 9 months of mama milk. Because you're incredible.

Massive hugs to you

[SeattleRain]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

My eldest is 4, nearly 5 now.  

When she gestating my thyroid went crazy as a result, despite trying all the stuff you listed, she was supplemented with FF from 4months and fully weaned onto FF at 7 months.

She's nearly 5 and it still hurts.  PM if you want Mama, i'd love to talk.  It's really really hard.  For me it was having not only to rationalise FEEDing the baby a different way, but actually losing sight of the vision of the sort of PARENT i would be.  It sounds so simplistic now, but before i had DD i thought "well of course i'll breastfeed" and i can remember sitting FFing her and thinking "who am i?".  It was really really hard.  

I'm currently nursing DD2, and it has gone so so much better!  We're at 9months, going strong AND i managed to donate my surplus (so no one was missing out) to a friend's 8 month old for 4 months.  It was really positive and healing - donation can be as useful for the donor as the recipients.

Meantime if i were you i would try switching formulas and see if you can try to help some of the issues your babe is having.  We are all doing our best, i promise you that my success this time stemmed from the absence of the issues i faced last time, not anything "better" about who i am or what i tried.  Sometimes it doesn't work out.  You've done an INCREDIBLE job giving your babe 9 months of mama milk. Because you're incredible.

Massive hugs to you

I can totally relate to the bolded. I wasn't able to breastfeed after a breast reduction and I really struggled with the decision, even though I didn't make the decision for myself... my body did. The decision to breastfeed is only ONE choice of many choices you will make when you're a parent. You have literally a million more choices to make that will impact your child, some way more important than where your child gets their food from for the first few years. You have the opportunity to make decisions about how you start solids, what you feed her developing palate, and where she sleeps, and all these other choices! They're ALL important. Don't dwell on this ONE choice, if it truly doesn't work out.

As for formulas, I struggled with Earth's Best formula for months before I switched. My son had rashes like you're talking about and was extremely constipated. I suggest that you speak to your pediatrician about this. True lactose intolerance is rare in infants, but milk allergies can exist. Many pediatricians are recommending hypoallergenic formulas to treat milk allergies instead of soy formula because many of the babies who are truly allergic to milk are also allergic to soy. You also could try a different milk based formula. Personally, I have not had much luck with organic formulas, I have only been successful with Enfamil.

[crystal_buffaloe]

I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you.

I'm glad that you've been able to talk to a therapist. Is it helping? How are you feeling now?

It's HARD -- and I think it's especially hard to reconcile all of the advice and comments from other people when it's as emotionally charged as infant feeding.

I think you were given some good advice when the PP recommended that you talk to your child's ped/PCP about donor milk/other kinds of formulas.

I think donor milk is safe, and I'd be more than comfortable feeding it to my LO if I'd had communication with the donor. My LLL is the place I'd start there if it's something I needed, but I don't know about your particular situation -- non-dairy and hypoallergenic formulas and possibly allergy testing are things I would also want to discuss with my doctor.

[bonjourmama]

I just want to thank you all for being so kind and respectful. Your words of encouragement is so helpful. I honestly thought I would get one or two people responding! I am going back and reading all of your thoughtful responses and I have a lot more confidence then before. 

I purchased the Baby's Only and I am going to try that. They have a lactose free one so I hope it helps her. 

Hugs to you all. Thank you so much 

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Oh mama, this post brought tears to my eyes.  I am so so sorry you are going through this. I understand the heartbreak of having a baby reject your breast. I will never forget it as I went through it too.  You know intellectually that she is not rejecting you, but it's just so hard to tell that to your heart.  I have very little to add, other than you are clearly a thoughtful loving mother who has done her very very best to ensure that her child had the best start to her life that anyone could ask for.  Try not to beat yourself up because six months is much longer than many babies get, and as for the feelings of rejection, just focus on other ways your baby bonds with you, I'm sure there are lots.  

[waiting2bemommy]

I am SO very sorry. Please be easy on yourself, I'm sure it was a struggle and I personally have a lot of respect for you for lasting that 6 months. Even if all she is doing is nursing for comfort once in a while it is still valuable!!! Any mama-baby snuggle time is valuable!!!

as far as formula, you could try thishttp://oreganicthrifty.blogspot.com/2009/05/goat-milk-formula-recipe.html

I did a modified version of this for my ds. I used it as backup for whenever I coudln't pump enough. Also around 9 months he began to reject pumped breastmilk but he would drink just enough of this to tide him over til I came back. Because it wasn't a full time thing I didn't use all the ingredients, but according to the moms ont he website their children did amazing with the complete formula. I know a couple people in real life who used just goat milk, molasses and cod liver oil and their children are now grown ups with no health issues.

My dd could not take ANY formula (my mother gave her a couple different types behind my back) and when she was 3 months old I couldn't keep up with her because of working, and we gave her goat milk and almond milk mixed with my pumped breastmilk, to sgtretch it. Her growth stayed fine for those couple mnths that it was necessary.

Just some other ideas to help because it sounds like he is reacting pretty badly, so maybe these alternatives might help.

Also can you increase his solid intake? To make sure he is getting enough nutrition. He will be ok, he is past that first 6 months, so he will need less and less formula from now on.

[Layney82]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer hugs.  I know how you're feeling because I was there too.  DS was never really into breastfeeding.  I had a very low supply and had to supplement via SNS from 8 days on (he was dehydrated and starving.)  Despite domperidone, pumping round the clock and never using a bottle, he still hated nursing and my supply still sucked.  I spent the first 4 months of his life feeling like an absolute failure and was more depressed than I'd ever been before.  Just before 4 months he refused the breast altogether.  I kept trying for 2 days, but ultimately had to start bottle feeding him, or he wasn't going to live.  I kept pumping until 7 months when I just couldn't keep up with the baby and pumping every 2 hours. At my best, he only ever got 14 oz of breastmilk a day...it was the very best I could do thanks to IGT (insufficient glandular tissue).

Letting go was really the most freeing thing.  I'm sad to this day that I couldn't bf him 'properly' (he's almost 13 months old now) but the guilt and pain is fading.  Making the decision to ff exclusively is ok.  The most important this is to feed your baby and formula is acceptable food.  You should feel proud of yourself for working so hard to do the best you can for your baby.  When it works, bfing is easy and natural, but for some of us, it's very difficult.  You did a wonderful thing for your child and really went the extra mile.

[bonjourmama]

Thank you everyone for the support! Just an update, she is mostly ff but still nurses when she wakes and before bed. She actually seems to enjoy the nursing now, and it is proving to be a nice relaxing time for us both. She is still night waking a ton, so I think we need to switch formulas again, but at least I feel confident that she is full and happy. 

I would also like to note that my depression and anxiety has gotten so much better. Like night and day. I sort of let go and now I feel like I can actually be a good mom to her. 

I read a mothering article a few months back "breastfeeding beats the baby blues" and I was clinging to that for months. But turns out, I had to listen to my inside voice for this one. 

[scrandall1173]

I had to formula feed my first born and I felt really bad about it too. I couldn't even visit the Mothering.com website b/c I felt so demonized for using formula. The guilt was huge.

But as I approached the birth of my second daughter and wondered if we would have the same problems, the guilt was gone. I looked my healthy, happy, attached two year old and realized she came through it just fine. It wasn't ideal, but it was good enough. Sometimes we just have to be happy with that. We do the best we can-- and it sounds like you have it your all. You are a good mom!

We used Similac Organic. My daughter also had reflux and eczema. I didn't want to try soy for the same reason you mentioned. I have heard now that there are Hypoallergenic formulas out there that help sometimes with reflux. As we neared a year I changed to Baby's Only toddler formula.

My daughter was on medicine for the reflux until she outgrew it. For the ezcema we just limited baths to once a week or as needed- that really helped.

Be good to yourself.