3.5 intentionally peeing in pants/bed

[mommatooth]

My dd has been such a challenge (deep breath)  but the one thing we never fought about or dealt with much were potty issues.  She was ec'd, and out of diapers completely before she could walk.   We have had a few slips since we moved, things have been less than ideal here and I am  very stressed and not always the mom I hoped I might be.  Mostly, she started peeing the bed at night, about the time she got her own bed, I assumed it was because I wasn't right there to take her- or that she was sleeping deeper.... I think it's something different.  Yesterday she barely got the toilet at all... 3 accidents in her pants, on purpose.  I just ask her to change her clothes and put stinky ones in hamper.  Sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes I can be cool about it.  Today when I tucked her in for her nap, 10 minutes later she is yelling for me that she is wet, she was fully awake when she peed in her bed.  NOT OK, I have thrown out her very nice mattress and replaced it with an air mattress covered in wool blankets.  I am totally confused.  

I know things aren't awesome at home, I am pretty stressed out, but that being said- we painted pictures this morning, did laundry together, prepared a meal and read stories.  It's not like a complete war zone.  I know that I could always be more stable and tolerant, provide a more unified front.  But I really need some help with this specific problem in the moment. 

What would you do if you can see your daughter is grimacing because she has to pee, you ask her if you can help... she replies that she doesn't have to go and 40 seconds later she pees all over the couch?  I have tried asking her how I can help keep her clean, what she might have done differently so that we don't have a big mess, the pointless "why are you doing this"... 

I think that this can be dismissed as just normal potty learning if she hadn't been taking herself successfully for over a year with only a few minor slips.

Also, this used to be very much an "at home problem" - never happened when we were out.  Lately, she has peed herself twice in her gymnastics class and once at the store.  She didn't even do that when she was a baby!  I have long since stopped carrying spare clothes everywhere and am just really really frustrated.  I need this to stop.  It has been going one for about 2 months, but she seems to be just gaining speed.  I don't know what to do. I fell like she is very much mature enough to understand the situation and that is why I am so upset.  It seems she KNOWS exactly what she is doing and chooses to wet herself.  

Thanks for listening, any advice or commiseration always welcome

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

i don't know, but i am having the same problems with my 4 1/2 y/o ds. He even started to go #2 on himself at the zoo and said he wanted to go home, I didn't have a change of pant/undies for him, luckily he didn't get anything on his pants, so he just had to wear his pants without underwear underneath as we live 30 minutes from the zoo. Our problem has only been the past 1-2 weeks and it could be because I am nearing my due date and ds knows things are going to change with the baby, also he is going to be in the care of someone else during labor/delivery, which he has never had before for overnights and rarely during the day. so I am guessing he is having some type of regression, but it is really stressing me as he starts K in the fall and with the new baby coming I am just hoping this is temporary and will pass on its own, as I don't know what to do about it!