Frustrations as a new SAHM

[kimkim]

I keep going back and forth between feeling like I'm not doing enough productivity-wise some days that I feel guilty and frustrated and other days I feel like everything is great, that I'm consciously enjoying my little one and feel balanced.  I know I am putting this pressure on myself but I  am tending to project so much judgement onto DH when he comes home from work.  I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for not getting enough done but I DO keep up on laundry and most meals AND the baby.  He tends to leave for work when I'm still in bed with DD and he has been coming home when it's time for her bedtime.  We co-sleep and she tends to need me for that first hour of sleep....so I feel like I pretty much have my whole day with her and very little alone time to myself.  Especially since most nights after putting her down I am too exhausted to get out of bed and just go to sleep.  But somehow I'm tired.  And the judgement I project is this "I'm home all day with the baby. I'm not 'working' I have all this free time." But honestly when DH takes the baby I have time to shower, get dressed and eat. He seems to think that's all I need...but I want to just have some time to knit on the couch and not feel like I'm supervising them.  Lately he takes her and puts on the tv or puts her on the floor and gets into the laptop.  I try so hard to not micromanage or tell him how to interact with her, but she's very social, lots of eyecontact and smiles.  But she fusses so much with him and I think it's because he's not interacting with her.  I have tried to bring this up and it turns into a no-win fight.  Some days I accept life as it is but lately I just feel so lonely and isolated.  I look forward to weekends where we can all be together but on  weekends he wants HIS alone time (somehow 8pm-midnight every night doesn't count) while I'm crying for some time to myself as well as wishing he wanted to be with me, or at least say it.  So weekdays I'm with baby all day, barely getting anything done (she's crawling, and active and takes short naps (with me).  And weekends maybe I can get an hour to take care of hygiene or write this post.  But she's fussing again downstairs so I better go.  I love my family but I just don't know how to balance this new role of SAHM.  I don't want the role from the 50's but I feel guilty when I just adore the baby all day and I feel guilty when I get stuff done b/c I'm neglecting the baby and most of the time I"m neglecting my marriage b/c I'm mad at him b/c I need a shower and I need friends but who will hang out when everything is dependent on her scattered naps?  Oh, I'm rambling, but this is the only place for it.  I know I'm not alone here, but does anyone have any advice? To change my outlook?  I keep reminding myself she's only this small and dependent for so long but then I feel like a failure that I can't keep the house clean or take on any yardwork projects.  I just keep going back and forth between despair, anger, frustration and full of love for my family.  I know sleep plays a big role.  I just feel So busy but w do 1/8 of the activities that we used to.  I thought we'd be hiking every weekend by now (she's almost 7 months) and having friends over but honestly all our friends here don't have kids and have sort of disappeared among a few random meet the baby visits.  I just don't know how to make mom friends b/c going out for coffee I'm antsy the whole time thinking about how I"m going to get anything done at home that day....

[major_mama11]

Being a SAHM is hard work and can be so isolating. I stayed home w/ my 1st during most of that first year, and then later was a mostly sahm when she was 2-3 yrs old. It was much easier with a toddler/preschooler, because she was much more portable so it was easier to get out in public and still get things done at home. 

Personally I had to just let a lot of things go housework-wise, and also I had to *take* time for myself (ie feed the baby and then leave the house so I wasn't tempted to take over) rather than always waiting for him to offer- if I waited it would never happen.

[mra]

I thought we'd be hiking every weekend by now (she's almost 7 months) and having friends over but honestly all our friends here don't have kids and have sort of disappeared among a few random meet the baby visits.  I just don't know how to make mom friends b/c going out for coffee I'm antsy the whole time thinking about how I"m going to get anything done at home that day....

I was going stir crazy by the time my LO was 6 weeks old and had only left the house a few times. My single friends kind of disappeared too...very disappointing and slightly hurtful. I joined a mom's group and although I don't go to every meetup, it has made a difference. Being around the moms and talking about frustrations (which most of them share) really helps. They understand cranky babies and needing to stop to feed or calm a little one, showing up with unbrushed hair, wrinkly clothes, bags under the eyes...nobody is judging you by the way you look!

I also had to remind my husband to shut off the tv and interact with our LO, that she was fussing because he wasn't 100% there with her. Luckily, he is super helpful and usually quite receptive to what I have to say. Can you pick a time that your husband watches your LO so you can get out of the house? I go out just about every Saturday morning for 2-3 hours while he stays home with our LO. I find that if I don't actually leave the house, I can't just let go and relax...I feel like I need to be cleaning or doing laundry...then I end up grouchy.

[Snapdragon]

It sounds to me like your husband really needs to step up and help more.  He shold realize that you need time to decompress, and that he should fully engae with the baby when he is watching her. It is no wonder you feel burnt out if you never get a break- I am not sure how to tell you to get him to do more- but it sounds like that is what needs to happen! 

[Knitting Mama]

I think you have to have a very, very firm conversation with your husband on what you need from him. He won't get it psychically from you, KWIM? This is something really common with first time parents, from what I can glean from my friends and from my own experience. I am not one to leave the house without the baby (I really never want to leave her), but I did demand some "me" time from my husband. I will tell you this-- it took a lot of patience and a lot of repetition. It would be good for a few days, and then we'd slip right back into the old pattern of me doing everything and feeling completely burnt out. We're at almost a year (gasp! how???) and it's a lot better than it was even just a few months ago. It's going to take some work from you to lay out logically exactly what you need, to invest in having the conversation over and over again if need be, and to stick to your guns, but it's so totally worth it.

[Beltane]

Joining a mom's group or some kind of attachment parenting group might be a great idea!  I didn't think I'd need it, but the friends that I met at LLL are now my 'go to' friends.  Going to those meetings really made a difference - and after the meetings we all go out to lunch with the babes.  I went back to work when LO was 7 weeks old - and boy that was tough!  DH is the same as yours - when he plays with LO he is sitting in front of the TV watching cooking shows with her.  She does get fussy because she doesn't WANT to sit and watch cooking shows.....but I still don't really know how to fix that!  I get home from work around 2:30 in the afternoon and as soon as we walk in the door I put LO in the Mei Tai or the sling - and then start throwing in laundry, start dinner, let out the 5 greyhounds, collect eggs from the chickens, etc.  My house is a disaster - but we have clean clothes and we eat well.  I don't have the time that I used to - I pump for 20 minutes around 7PM and during that time I crochet things for LO. 

The other thing that really made a difference to me was a phone with internet access.  (I don't know if you can swing that - and I only got mine a few months ago).  I can sit on the couch with LO and play with her while I check FB, Mothering, etc.  I made ME feel more like the person I used to be.

I don't know if this helps or not....but I guess I just wanted to say... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!  Hang in there momma!  I've learned to love the fact that LO wants to fall asleep with me and be with me over DH.  :)

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

We have a similar balancing issue. In our home, DH is the one who is home with DD during the day.  He is the cook in our relationship, and so he is pretty much responsible for all kitchen duties - he cooks, he cleans the kitchen, and watches the baby during the day.  I work, keep the rest of the house clean, and watch the baby all night as soon as I get home.  Sometimes it's too much for me since I pretty much have zero alone time at home, and work really doesn't count as alone time. There are many times that I come home and the house is TRASHED and DH clearly didn't even look at the dishes in the sink.  But he DID take great care of DD.  He interacted with her all day and for me, that's the number one priority.  Our house is often a mess (not dirty with food and trash) and clean laundry seldom gets folded because those things just aren't as important and it seems like there is NEVER enough time in the day,

What we have done is try to just appreciate what the other one does. If the house is really bad when I get home, I don't even mention it because it's not even on my radar anymore. Sometimes I need DH to keep DD occupied for a little while so I can catch up with email, FB, and forums for my short unwinding time. We are still working on this, but it's gotten infinitely better since we began honestly communicating about our expectations and what expectations really need to be met. I suggest you work on the same thing with your DH and also, try to let some of the less important priorities go - your DH certainly shouldn't expect you to do much more than care for your child. If that's  "all" you do in a day, it's still a full day in my book.  You just have to make sure that the things that are really important to you actually happen.  That means making sure DH is taking responsibility for your child with you.  I also recommended getting out of the house alone from time to time.  I don't do it frequently (work doesn't count), so when I do, I really enjoy it. Good luck!

[LadyCatherine185]

hugs mama, it is a rough adjustment! a few things that have helped us--

*join a playgroup

*have DH take DS1 out for breakfast every saturday (he has done this since Liam was 7 months old and they both love the tradition!) gets me some alone time and they get some bonding time

*babywear.. I can't get ANYTHING done these days unless I put DS2 in the Ergo

*lower your expectations, but make a goal. My goal right now is to get ONE thing done a day, plus dinner. if I do that, I feel like I accomplished something

*shower with baby!! I started taking DS1 into the shower with me at 7 months old.. he loved to sit and play while I got to take as long of a shower as I wanted.. bonus- he got clean too!

hope some of this helps!

[Greenlea]

Oh I know how you feel, but its worse for me cuz I also work part time, yet I still feel like I'm the one responsible for everything in the household.  Not to say that my DH makes me feel that way, but that I feel guilty when I can't clean enough, or get things done, or be the perfect housewife.  I have to remind my DH that I am not a SAHM or a housewife, as I do work, even if its only 25 hours a week. 

On days I stay home I rarely get housework done cuz my 4mth old won't nap w/out me.  And by time both are in bed, I'm exhausted and just want to go to sleep, or unwind in front of the TV.  So I tend to hand off the kids to my DH when he gets home from work so I can at least pick up the kitchen a bit and cook dinner.  He's good with the baby and will sometimes hold her while he's on the computer.  But he forgets that my 2yr old needs his attention or else he just starts getting into trouble and then my DH gets mad and its a stupid full circle that I can't seem to get my DH to break.  Ususally just some gentle reminding helps, but then he gets mad that he can't have his alone time when he gets home from work.  Problem is at this point, I'm not looking for alone time, but time to cook and clean a bit.  I think every partnership goes through this until they can figure something out.

One thing that has helped me is my DH does bathtime with my older son while I usually put laundry away or just decompress.  Then DH does the rest of the bedtime routine too.  That doesn't work for my 4mth old though.

[jpietryka]

I think it can be difficult for DH's to understand how much work mom's do.  I've had to have focused (read: TV off) talks with hubby more than once.  I wrote a schedule out so we have a paramater to follow.  He knows that he takes baby from x-y.  I also offer hubby choices to help bring it home...like I can take him now if you start dinner or I'll take early am duty if you take night wakings.  I don't have a "tone" when I offer comprimises, just sort of reminding DH of what needs to get done.  Oh and when DH complaines about missing his guy time or things like that I agree and empathize with him, telling him I do too and that maybe we can work something out where I have "off time" then he has some "off time". 

One thing I will say is that the more time hubby spend with the baby the more he gets it.  Keep up the good work you'll get through just keep looking for new ways to say what you mean. =)

[katelove]

You've already had some good suggestions from the PPs so I don't have much to add. But a couple of things which work for us are

1. DH takes J out with him *a lot*. When they're out I sleep, do housework or just play on the computer,read etc. But, I am by myself with no baby care responsibilities. For me, even doing housework by myself feels like a holiday 

2. Don't feel bad about not being down on the floor playing with your LO all. the. time. IMO it is good for them to have some independent play time. I'm not talking about putting them in a room and going off to a different part of the house. But your babe could be playing while you folded washing or tidied up or even read a book nearby. J and I often go into her room and she plays and I fold washing. She comes over to see what I'm doing now and then and we chat but we're each doing our own thing. I also read somewhere that adults aren't great playmates for children anyway because we're too obsessed with playing with toys "the right way" and that children will be more imaginative and creative when left to their own devices. And I distract her too. I often notice, I will say something to her and she'll look up quite startled because she's been happily absorbed in what she was doing until I came along with my "Oh! A green ball!" or whatever.

Now, I still don't get a heap of things done but enough to make me feel ok, most of the time. 

Oh, and my babe is nearly 10 months so a little bit older than yours but we were doing the same things at that age.