Hope I posted this in the right area.....dready mamas, I need some advice!

[meamoaristeyo]

Hello all,

I have been "lurking" on this site for quite some time now and I have to say, I absolutely LOVE it. So much great advice and I love how the women talk to each other on here--everyone seems to be genuinely wanting to help each other out. It's wonderful!

So, I would love some advice from the members out there--dreadlocked mamas or not, all advice is welcome! I have been making a major change overall to my lifestyle. I am phasing out commercial products and am so happy about it (first example: threw out all the commercial face cleansers for the OCM method--fantastic!) and gradually working on other areas in my life. My next "project" so-to-speak is my hair. Ready to go "no-poo" and make a change--and one I've been really looking forward to is dreading my hair. I've been doing a lot of research on it, considered it for a long time, and now I feel ready to do it. The dilemma: DH is not on board. I ran it by him and got that same old, stereotyped response: "Eww, that's gross, they smell" etc. etc.

To me, he knew I was into all of this "crunchy" type of stuff when we got married. So in a sense, this is like a next logical step for me....but maybe too far for him?

I really want to do this--so what would you all suggest so that maybe I could persuade him? Honestly, I'll probably end up doing it anyway, but having my husband's support is obviously very important. I've read posts about women who were dreadlocked and said that you really need to have the support of your husband for something like this.

TIA--I really appreciate anyone's open and honest opinion on the issue.

[journeywooz]

i say if it makes you happy and if you feel it's right for you, then go for it!  it isn't doing anyone any harm.  i loved my dreads when i had them.  i shaved it off because i felt like it was time but i still no-poo.

[tinuviel_k]

That is a tricky one. On the one hand, of course you should be able to do anything you like with your hair! On the other hand, I know I personally would be reluctant to make a change that I know my husband or partner would find outright unattractive or unpleasant. Not because I feel like I need to do what he prefers, but because I honestly like to look attractive for him.

I think of it as if my husband decided to grow just a mustache and no beard. I HATE that look, I always have. It is irrational, but it seriously creeps me out. If he really, really wanted to I'd have to be okay with him growing one: it's his face. But the sad truth is that I probably would not find him nearly as attractive, and very well might internally cringe when he went to kiss me. It's shallow, but there ya go. I honestly don't think it would ever change.

Maybe you could tell your DH that you are giving it a 6 month trial run to see how you like it. Give the dreads a try and prove to him that dreads don't necessarily have to be stinky or dirty. I know where he is coming from; I've had friends with dreads and their hair was pretty gross. But I've had other friends that took great care of theirs and there was no stink at all, and they looked great. Maybe he just needs to see a good example?

Of course, even if you do a trial and have great dreads it could just be that he will simply find them unattractive, and then you'll need to make a choice: feel great personally about your hair, or make a sacrifice so that your DH isn't repulsed. Neither is the right or wrong answer.

[Snapdragon]

If you go to the "finding your tribe" section of MDC there is a tribe for dready mamas.  I am sure they can answer your question~

here is a link

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1178693/dready-mamas-2010/420

[meamoaristeyo]

journeywooz and tinuviel_k, absolutely great responses--thank you so much for your feedback.

Both responses sound like the two sides of me at war with each other over the issue, exactly! I definitely like the "dread trial run" suggestion. I do think if my husband saw a "good example" then he might change his perception of dreads entirely. Afterall, if you took one look at my conservative husband, you would not have expected him to be married to someone like me! So I guess this all plays into how we are anyway. I have changed his mind about tattooing and ear stretching because of how I look, and it is part of my natural character to defy norms of appearance, as I'm sure many on here do.

Snapdragon, thanks for the suggestion, I will repost there.

journeywooz--can I ask what you do for no poo? Do you just use baking soda?

[GuavaGirl]

I'm in a similar sitch.  I've always admired dreads and I've been seriously thinking about it for about 6 months now.  My husband says that he wants me to do what ever I need to do to be me.  He always tries to be supportive.  But! he makes little side comments jokingly that would suggest he's not into it.  I think he sums it up with "It's not my thing, but do it if you want."  

I really want them, but I have this little fear that they won't turn out how I expect and that I want look good and I'll regret it.  ...but most of the time I'm so excited about it.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by tinuviel_k 

That is a tricky one. On the one hand, of course you should be able to do anything you like with your hair! On the other hand, I know I personally would be reluctant to make a change that I know my husband or partner would find outright unattractive or unpleasant. Not because I feel like I need to do what he prefers, but because I honestly like to look attractive for him.

I think of it as if my husband decided to grow just a mustache and no beard. I HATE that look, I always have. It is irrational, but it seriously creeps me out. If he really, really wanted to I'd have to be okay with him growing one: it's his face. But the sad truth is that I probably would not find him nearly as attractive, and very well might internally cringe when he went to kiss me. It's shallow, but there ya go. I honestly don't think it would ever change.
 

Can I interject? It is possible that this sort of reaction is NOT shallow, but rather, very deep. I don't know why mustaches w/o beard skeeve you, OP. But I know that certain body care products would not be able to be worn by men in my life, because of childhood triggers and such. Often, certain things like this are very real.

But the dread thing does not sound like one of these. I say do what you like, you can always change it.

My partner wants me to do a certain thing that is upsetting to me(sort of inverse of your situation). He wants me to keep long hair(that I had as a young woman) because he finds it attractive. If it were so cut and dry as that, I might be more able to commit to it. But I perceive a lot of social conditioning in the notion of females having long hair. Frankly, I find it (beautiful, but) oppressive. I don't have time/motivation to wash/brush a head full of long, thick hair. And, I've honestly found that I receive about 90% less unwelcome male-gaze attention when I keep it very short.  So I buzz it and do other things with my time. He has to deal with this. I could probably have more sex with him if I grew long hair, but that would be an unsavory exchange for me, and the fallout would just come down some other way.

I would not advise avoiding trying something you care about because he has unstudied reactions to it. Now, if someone used dreads to assault him as a child or something (I'll not get descriptive, people have come up with some seriously convoluted ways to hurt others), then I'd let it go entirely. But 'It's gross' doesn't sound like that. Especially if you have the ability/willingness to do it better than he imagines it has to be. You can always cut them off if you try it, and make a calculated decision that you don't love the dreads more than partner dislikes them, eh?

[meamoaristeyo]

Thanks for responding, GuavaGirl and AttunedMama!

I saw your posts on the Dready Mamas forum, GuavaGirl! Good to see it is getting active again, it seemed like when I first started following the thread, it was pretty lifeless....but now I'm so excited there are lots of dreadie mamas on there. :) Hope you get some dreads put in! My sister is a hairstylist and she is helping me put mine in next week. I'm counting down the days, I'm so excited! What's wonderful about dreads (and I guess hair in general) is that they are so unique to the person who wears them. No two sets look alike, and they are entirely your own. So we might expect them to look a certain way, but they more than likely won't....and I think that is exciting, it's such an unpredictable process!

AttunedMama, that was so wonderfully worded. I really appreciate what you had to say, and I can definitely see your point about social conditioning of women in terms of long hair. So that makes me happy that you do what you need to do! I feel the same way about time. I hate devoting time to styling hair and putting on make-up....ugh. All those minutes I could be spending with my son and husband, or doing something productive. So that's great that keeping your hair short was the solution for you, that's how I feel about dreads for me. I like longer hair on me personally, but like you, don't want to spend the time maintaining it....so if I have long dreads that pretty much "win-win" for me!

It makes me happy all you lovely ladies have been helping me with my dilemma, and hopefully this can help others too....since I started this thread a couple months ago, the thinking in my home about me getting dreads has become more "when I have them" rather than "if I get them." My husband makes jokes too, like if I make a face when he says he wants to do something silly with his appearance, he retorts with "Well you are gonna have dreads." But I'd say the general attitude is exactly what GuavaGirl put, "it's not my thing" but do it if you makes you happy!

[journeywooz]

i love your attitude!!

i use baking soda and apple cider vinegar.  been a breeze!