I have twin sons who are a bit unusual. Perhaps I should've posted this in Special Needs Parenting, but I'd mostly like opinions from other moms with kids in this age-bracket. The boys were born extremely premature, have developmental delays and are mildly Autistic. They go to regular school, but although they're 15, socially/maturity-wise they're more like 12-year-olds. They're still in 8th grade, so their classmates are 13 or 14. Basically, let's address my question as though we're talking about 12-year-olds.
Their best friend, for the last 2-1/2 years, is a kid I have come to really dislike. He's very insecure, which is sad, but he takes advantage of my kids, manipulates them and tries to isolate them from other people, to have them all to himself. They will be going to different schools next year and I am eager for the friendship to (hopefully) fade away, as they meet new kids. But in the meantime, he's in all their academic classes and eats lunch with them, so he's a big part of their lives.
An incident happened several months ago (November), where he was acting like a jerk and his parents, in catering to him, acted inappropriately with my kids. I told his mother what I thought and tried to be balanced and not sound like I was on a daytime talk show. I emphasized that I have always liked her and always enjoyed spending time with her and that my problem was with how she handled this one incident, not a blanket criticism of her. Nevertheless, she got very defensive, gave me a piece of her mind about my parenting and is now "not speaking to me". So, the boys are not getting together at each other's houses anymore, though they still Facebook and call each other.
This boy's birthday is next weekend. My sons believe (from what their friend said) that they're invited, but evidently their friend says his mom will not communicate with me, even to send them an invitation, addressed to my house. Basically, what I've told my sons is this: Although I don't like their friend much anymore and I'm not comfortable with them hanging out at his house, I understand that they still like him and that a birthday is a special occasion. So IF I had the information parents are entitled to have (where and when the party is, who will be supervising, in general what they'll be doing...), I'd consider letting them go. However, I cannot call their friend's mother and say, "Are my kids invited to the party I hear you're throwing?" And, even if their friend winds up telling them when he wants them to show up at his house, I cannot simply drop them off and wait for them to call and tell me when to pick them up. (Especially since the incident in November involved the friend's parents saying they were taking my kids one place, when it turned out they actually planned to take them somewhere else, where I had said they couldn't go.) For all I know, the kid's parents are taking his friends camping overnight somewhere, for the party. Besides, we don't actually know that my kids are invited.
But I feel bad for my kids. They're really disappointed. And they don't get invited to a lot of parties. Am I doing the right thing, or should I call this woman and try to make up with her somehow, to get my kids invited to the party?