So tired, angry and upset

[Moonchild77]

I am fed up. I cannot take it anymore, I am so at loss.

I did go to a therapist, but it is during the day, so my 2 y3 mt old has to be with my partner and he works so much atm, that I had to cancel 3 appointments.

I yelled and even hit my 5 y old this morning, my husband went to work and said goodbey, we were already late and after DH left, I told DS1 to hurry up and put on his shoes.

He was playing with his trains and I know he probalby did not even notice DH leaving, so he said , daddy had to do it.

I told him daddy was already gone, so it is either him or me. (and I was already cranky...)

(I do everything in the morning alone  with two boys and DH just helpds himself, but the boys to turn to him to do things...

He started yelling and saying he was not going to school, to tired to tired..

I went nuts and said he MUST and tried to get him in his jacket and we both cried and yelled.

Later, I pulled him on the bed and tried to calm him, to let him tell me what he felled and to tell him who I felt and it worked a bit, I texted the teacher we overslept and `hour too late we got to school, we had played a little card game and went to school.

I feel so upset, I do have a terrible PMS period atm, the whole weekend DH and I had falllouts and the kids were there.

:-(

I am at loss, I so miss having a mum tot talk to, I left home when I was 18 and never returned, my mum is crazy, bipolar, numerous suicicide attempts, etc and my dad just was not there for us kids.

But now with two kids I am sometimes so tired and upset, I stil BF also at night . I BW my kids, but I already lost two best friends, I know it takes two people to keep a friendship alive, but they both said I was too intense :-(

I have a general anxiety disorder, dysthymie and I am now looking for a therapist in the evenings, but no luck...

:-(

............... do not know what to do, I try to be Mindfull and relaxed, but no change, I feel like my heartrate is in the thousand...????

Iw keep snapping at my two year old, he does not go to kindergarten yet. I try to keep my hands to myself, it does work, I  was on Zoloft for years, but recently stopped, I feel better, in the way I can see better (had eye trouble due to Z I think!) and my impulses are better under control, but still I snap and get mad ...............

Now what??

[heartmama]

I would make therapy your priority right now. You really sound overwhelmed by both your living situation but especially your own health issues.

Although it is very hard to parent effectively in the grip of mental health issues (I know from experience) the most important thing to do is create hard and fast rules for yourself. Things that helped me were:

1) It is not my child's job to help me feel calm and in control. I am the adult. It is my job to maintain control over myself. --THIS is a very important thought to repeat to yourself through the day. It reminds you that the problem is not your kid and no matter how well behaved your child is--you are STILL going to have mental health issues that make it hard to deal with your child!  With mental health issues it is very easy to feel that the child is 'making' you feel a certain way. But this is a trap that really creates a cycle of negative discipline and antagonistic interactions.

2) No screaming or hitting. Period. Ever. It is like giving up alcohol or cigarettes. You just don't go there. And you find other things to do instead. Deep breathing, clapping your hands, looking at baby pictures of your kid (helps to diffuse anger), go to your room for your own time out--whatever you need to do. But you make a rule and you stick to it.

But like I said the most important thing for you is THERAPY. No discipline strategy is really going to help your feelings of anxiety, kwim?

[Moonchild77]

Yes, you are right, both things would really help me.

I do try, you know? I am really not a bad person, i hope, I know I am not my mother, I just am scared to feel this way, so upset, tired and down.

I am trying to find someone who workes in the evenings, but no luck so far.

Taking my ds2 with me is no option.

I do not want my kids to feel like I did about my childhood, so scared, alone, anxious, but I know I am not as bad as my mom acted, but still, if only I could take things back, I never wanted to be this way, I feel so bad and sad :-(

I really need a good talk, hug and stuff, but DH and me, that is not a good thing atm too....

[madskye]

If you are not using a babysitter at all now, look into finding one that you are comfortable with.  Therapy should be a longterm priority and having someone you can trust and count on during those appointments is really necessary.  Important enough not to try to squeeze it in when DH is available, you know?

You are not a bad person, but you need to help yourself first, so you can be the mom that you want to be.  I can tell you love your children very much, from your post.

[Moonchild77]

I do love them, sooo very much  - they are so great ..

[althara]

The pp had some great advice. I also want to add it is always ok to walk away for a minute and compose yourself if you feel like you're getting out of control. It's good to show your children that there are ways of coping with anger that don't involve yelling or hitting.

[applecider]

I could have written your post a year ago (still can some days!). I just wanted to give a and let you know that you are not alone. The best thing you can do is forgive yourself and move along. Of course therapy would be a good thing if you can swing it, but just being easy on yourself and building yourself up with positive thoughts is also helpful, or at least I found it to be so. I know it is SO hard in the moment, I have lots of trouble with it too. Just keep trying mama.

[hippiemum21580]

I really understand where you are right nowbecause I am there too. My fiance passed away Jan 29th and I KNOW I really could benefit from some therapy BUT I have three young boys still home with me during the day and two more in school. There is no free daycare available here and I cant afford to pay a sitter.I also do nothave a vehicle. So, basically I am stuck right now. I am home almost alllll of the time. I get out about once a week to grocery shop. I have to be very awae of mytriggers and avoid them when possible. I know what I need to kee on a more even keel (eating regularly, geting enough sleep, etc...) I also believe firmly in time out....for ME. If I feel I am going to snap I REMOVE myself. I sit on the porch for a few minues and read some peaceful qoutes or pray. I do deep breathing in the bathroom.......etc.... And I remind myself it is NOT my childrens fault I amfeeling the way Ido. Often is not them making me feel a certain way, its my grieving i that moment.

Is there any possibilty for you to find a friend or neighbor who could babysit so you could go to therapy?

[Moonchild77]

Update: it is going a bit better, trying to read

The Mindful Way through Depression and Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting 

but so tired, cannot find the time :-(

try not to shout or even hit or pull, but find myself threathening instead :-(

need to remove ME from situations, but find it hard,like this morning, in a meeting at school , kids in the room nextdoor playing, glassdoors, my boys ran and throw and are loud, I feel upset, go to them a lot, try to calm them, my 2y old says NO to everything.... unless I give  him time, he does say Yes after thinking about something sometimes, but I feel there is not always time to do that..

Missed a lot of meeting... :-(

[Moonchild77]

Update... not at all so well, still so struggling... This monday I am starting therapy.  I feel lost, sorry...

[holothuroidea]

I think I know exactly what you're going through. I could have written those posts. Therapy never worked for me, though, it always made things worse. And it's so hard when you're all alone and DH has no trouble getting up and leaving you alone every morning like nothing's wrong...

Maybe I can move to Holland and we could help each other out. Is it nice there? I bet the food's good. 

[insidevoice]

Look at your family history here.  Chances are you aren't dealing with something as simple as depression- and if you have a mood disorder- which is likely given the family history, an antidepressant is just going to make things SO much worse.  Additionally, if you are mood disordered and are not treating it with medication or through lifestyle changes, chances are your kids WILL be out of control, your friends will flee because you ARE too intense, and your partner will be so focused on trying to survive the roller coaster himself that he can't support either you or the children.

Essentially, you can't feel in control and calm because you are the cause of the stress and chaos. 

Now, that all will sound terribly doom and gloom and like I'm blaming you, but I'm not.  I am also a mom who has been diagnosed with mild (in my case) bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed after antidepressants threw me so far out of whack that the world was spinning out of control and the only thing I felt I could do was lash out and TRY to make it all hold still and be calm and quiet.  At that point, I couldn't see that I was the part spinning out of control, it felt like everything else in life conspiring all at once against my sanity. 

A normal person will not regularly lash out at the things you describe as triggers, they just aren't the insurmountable obstacles it feels like they are.  When you are in full control of your emotions- you don't wind up crying and screaming with a five year old on a relatively regular basis, you can go with the low and let them be out of control without going over the edge yourself- even when you are running late! (It's funny you mentioned the shoes, the point when I realized I HAD to get help revolved around DD's shoes.  She refused to work with me to get them on and I suddenly realized that what I WANTED to do was to hit her with them. I managed not to, but only just barely.)

Therapy was a huge help for me- I deal with bpd as well as ptsd.  Once I began to understand what I needed to function and feel ok, I was able to create that in my home environment and not be the kind of mom who loses it over normal kid behaviors!  Of course, I did use medication for about a year to begin to recover from the harm done by the antidepressants (Lamictal- it's an anti-seizure medication that has been found to work well for some people with mood disorders- particularly those who become very angry or violent.) At that point, I was feeling much more in control and I began to develop a reaction to the medication, so we tapered it off and decided to take a wait and see approach to more medications. I haven't needed them since. 

It's a hard road, and it really scares me because I am aware that at some point, I will probably slide and lose all the ground I've gained and have to do it all over again, but I have created a great support system so that even if I do, I know it will all be ok even if I have to start back at the beginning. 

[Imakcerka]

If things are not going well with you and DH it makes it easy to take it out on the kids.  I know this.  I tend to have this same problem.  However I've been learning to redirect my anger.  My mom and dad were easily upset and quick to spank, scream, hit.  I've walked out of the house numerous times.  and just sat on the front porch.  Sometimes crying. 

[Mom31]

Hugs mama. I struggle with similar issues. Pm me if you would like.

[lellian]

Hi, I just wanted to suggest a Mom's Day Out program if you can find one in your area. They are normally held at churches, and are really cheap child care. The only one in my area is one day a week, but they offer a morning or an all day program for just $10 a kid. This gives moms a chance to run errands, go to Dr appointments, or do ANYTHING they need to do while their LOs are having fun with other little ones. Google it, and maybe something will come up, and you can set up your therapy sessions on days when you can drop your kids at a Mom's Day Out program.

[forestmushroom]

no advice, just hugs.