Sorry I couldn't describe better in the thread title, so thanks for reading!
Okay, so here's my situation:
I really would like to have more children. At least one, possibly even two if it seems right at that point in our lives. Dh on the other hand, while not adamantly opposed to having more children, and certainly not wanting to do anything permanent, doesn't "want" more children. The way he describes it is that he just doesn't think about it. When I dream about the future and our plans, I like to think about future children and when they might arrive. He, on the other hand, doesn't figure that in. He would be happy with our three for the rest of his days, apparently!
So, here's where it gets tricky. I am starting to feel like welcoming another child into our family. I am not fertile at the moment, still nursing our 20-month-old ds a LOT, and my period usually waits quite a while pp. Whenever I bring it up, he says he feels uncomfortable in his stomach, and that he hasn't thought about it since we talked about it most recently. We only use withdrawal as birth control, especially while awaiting the return of my fertility. That being said, we are very fertile. Every time we've TTC, we conceived on the first try, even the one we m/c. Withdrawal seems to work pretty well for us, theoretically, but we do usually choose to TTC pretty soon after PPAF shows up.
Some other things to factor into the decision are that, in the past, dh has stayed home with our babies when they are little, while I was working my way through midwifery school. He also completed a university degree during this time, so of course, pretty high stress! Now, I have been working as a midwife for a while, and would have a paid maternity leave for a year, and would even be able to work part-time when I returned. He would be working during once any future children arrived and I would be the primary at-home parent. Also, we did always plan on having 4+ children, but ds is pretty high-needs/clingy (or at least was when he was a bit younger) and I think that threw dh for a loop after 2 mellow kids before him.
I have been pretty frank in the discussion, I think, and I have told dh that if he really, truly, does not want any more children ever, then I'd like to know so I can process and move on. But he says he doesn't feel strongly enough about it to make that statement. I have also told him that if he doesn't want to get pregnant, he should either wear condoms or, if he's really done, get a vasectomy. I am unwilling to take hormonal birth control, but I would consider a tubal ligation when I have surgery for my pelvic organ prolapse (which, again, I can't do til I KNOW we are done with childbearing). He won't do either.
A couple of times when he's been "sloppy" (TMI, sorry), I have jokingly said "what, are you trying to get me pregnant"? And he just laughs it off/scoffed. I find this very confusing! I think he has been spoiled by my super long periods of lactational amenorrhea and doesn't realize that our "method" of TTA isn't really reliable in the long term.
Anyway, I'm torn on what to do. I would be happy to carry on as we are, knowing that we would likely eventually have an "oops" (which I would be happy about, not sure how dh would react at first). Do you guys think that is unethical? I mean, if dh really, really didn't want to have a child now, or in the future, he could do something about that, right? Do I owe it to him as my husband to take responsibility for the birth control for the children HE apparently doesn't want, when I would gladly welcome a new baby/child? Or is it his responsibility? Would you conceive a baby that your dh probably wouldn't be thrilled about at first, but would probably warm up to eventually? He is an awesome and involved papa, and I know he would love any children we made together. I think it's mroe the logistics, going through the "baby" stage again that freaks him out. Aaaah, help!