Talking to your gifted child about disasters like the tsunami?

[labdogs42]

I have a gifted son, age 6 (well, we haven't had him tested yet, but all signs point to gifted at this point).  He's very sensitive and a worrier.  I tried not to say anything about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan in front of him, but he heard about it somewhere and is asking about it now.  He's even going so far as to worry about which floor he'd be safer on in his school if the building was going to collapse (his decision -- better to be on the seoncd floor so you land on top of the people on the first floor and don't get crushed).  I'm wondering how best to address his concerns.  So far, I have been explaining that we don't live in an area prone to earthquakes (PA) and we are far enough from the coast that tsunamis aren't an issue.  We did also talk about things like taking cover under a desk or other structure in case of a disaster.  Is anyone else's child worried about this?  What kinds of things are you telling them?  Thanks!

[Tigerle]

DS (4) is a very fearful child, but he is also extremely interested in volcanoes, plate tectonics and earthquakes. We had been talking for a long time about how there aren't any volcanoes near where we live and earthquakes are very mild, so nothing to worry about - he needs periodical reassurance about that one. And he has been making up stories about "the most dangerous volcanoes in the world" with made up names which tend to move around a lot (sometimes they erupt in our garden, sometimes in places like Louisiana - whatever places he's heard people talk about) so we can tell it is a fear he is working through. That way, it was easy to refer to previous conversations about the relative safety of our area, and he appears to have accepted it.

We felt we couldn't keep the earthquake from him anyway, but we could keep the death toll from him (he isn't reading yet, which must make things so much harder. I am terrified of when he can read the newpaper). We have talked about magnitudes, checked out interactive features at the NYT, looked at videos of shelves falling over in supermarkets, people fleeing airport buildings, burning refineries and ships pushed ashore. As far as he's concerned, this is the extent of the desaster (he knows that there is stuff he is not allowed to see or know but does not know why, just that it's scary). We hope no-one in preschool or elsewhere will talk about the huge death toll in front of the children. We have worked on emotional understanding and empathy for the people (something he appears to be behind in) by pointing out that it isn't okay to laugh with pleasure at the interactive feature no matter how much he enjoys learning about tectonics because the destruction is sad and scary for the Japanese, that the pictures of refineries burning against the night sky aren't "beautiful" (although I understand how he might come up with this) but that you can say they make a strong impression, have shown him people looking sadly at the destruction of their houses and have talked about how sorry we feel for them.

I understand his eagerness to confront things he finds scary with wanting to find out everything about them, but do not want him to either develop a morbid fascination with disasters or to become too upset to handle his emotions. The other day, for instance, he kept melting down at bedtime about the Lakehurst accident - DH had shown him videos about modern zeppelin tehcnology and not realized that the narration was moving into history.

It is a fine like to walk to be sure.

[aishamama]

I have a fearful child too who gets very worried. I try to reduce exposure to traumatic media and tv. We don't actually watch tv for this reason or the news etc.  Today my son was worried about a line *from a touch up of paint because he thought it was a crack and a sign that our house is going to break. So he came and said, "Mama I think we should pack up and evacuate to Pittsburgh." So...I was like what? why?? And he told me about the crack. I assured him that is from where the painter came and left a little bit of a line there from touching up the paint when fixing the bathroom. I know that he'll continue to think about that. And I know there are things he doesn't express. He knows nothing about this tragedy in Japan, but if he did, all I can do is explain to him and reassure him. We turn to God and say a prayer for protection and pray for those who've been harmed or are suffering. So this is how we handle this. 

[zebra15]

DS10 just took an Earth Science class at the Middle School level and learned some very indepth info on the Earth and how 'these type' things occur.  Learning the mechanics of plate movements and such really helped in this area.

[LynnS6]

I've got two anxious children here - and we live in the Pacific NW, so earthquakes are a very real threat. True, they're not as common here as they are in CA, but the reality is we live along the same kind of subduction zone as lies near Japan, and the potential for a really big earthquake is there. They have earthquake drills at school, and have since they were in daycare at age 2. (And if there's an earthquake, we're much less prepared than Japan, but I'm just not going there. My 'plan' is to die before the big one hits here!)

My kids are of an age where it no longer works to suppress the media (which was my earlier strategy). We don't listen to news, and we don't watch TV news. But we do get a newspaper (which they both can read) and they go to public school, so they're around kids who've heard things from their parents. I do occasionally suppress the front page.

Our strategies are to answer their questions factually, but without a lot of detail. We also focus on the positive or what we can do to be prepared/safe. So, my kids don't know the death toll in Japan, and they don't really understand the very real dangers from the nuclear reactors. They were much more concerned with the tsunami. So, we talked about the tsunami warning system that's in place on the cost, about how we know that if we feel the ground shake if we're near the coast, we'll immediately go for higher ground. We've had similar talks about volcanoes, earthquakes and tornadoes (we visit relatives in the midwest every summer). Knowing that there's a plan and things that you can do to make yourself safer helps my kids. (OK, so I've glossed over the fact that you can't really predict earthquakes and tornadoes, I'm OK with it.)

Age has helped ds understand natural disasters a bit better -- he learned about probability in a big way last year (thanks baseball!), and that really helped calm him. He's also got a better sense of time, and realizes that these are very infrequent events. (That being said, he still freaked out when a sudden wind/rain storm came up yesterday afternoon. So there's still a difference between his intellectual understanding and his emotional ability to cope.) It was very interesting to hear ds (age 9) try to reassure dd (age 6) that we were safe from tsunamis where we live because they can't come over the coast range. Dd's response was simply "I don't want to talk about it."

[loraxc]

We no longer listen to any radio news with DD present, at her request (it scares her and makes her sad). We don't get a newspaper, and don't live somewhere where she sees machines that sell them. We also do not watch TV news (we just read everything online). So DD's exposure is very minimal, partly because of who she is and partly because we never subscribed to papers or watched TV news anyhow.

She does hear things at school sometimes, but as far as I know, she does not know about Japan, and I have not told her. It would REALLY freak her out, as natural disasters, in particular, are her nemesis. The tricky thing is that we may be about to participate in a kids' fundraise for Japan.

I don't love the idea of completely sheltering her. It's a hard one.

[MJB]

My gifted child is 5, and he actually had "tsunami" as a vocabulary word in his reading homework recently, so he was excited to know what was going on. He "reminded" us about how the plates shift and cause earthquakes and that an earthquake can cause a tsunami. He is not anxious or fearful but he does have a strong drive to understand and know things. We get questions to clarify things and answer them. We had a long conversation yesterday about nuclear power because I had NPR on in the car, which then led to talking about the atomic bombs in WWII. My little guy doesn't think the US should have used the bombs. My older son (bright, not gifted) said he thought the first one might have been necessary to end the war but the second one was unnecessary.They then came up with lots of ideas on how to prevent radiation fallout. I enjoy discussing world events with my kids and I feel like they can handle it. 

[Just1More]

We have a fearful dd, too, also almost 6.  We try to limit what she hears, and also to be careful about the time of day we present something.  If she has the day to process tough information, she is much better off than at bedtime.  Also, she is so much more emotional in the evenings.   We don't even use the word "sad" after dinnertime!  (Though she is getting better about that.)

I have explained and encouraged and comforted lots and lots of times.  But, while those things are important to an extent, the thing that seems to really help her is for us to tell her she has to stop worrying about it.  We will take care of her, and it's not good to worry all the time.  Instead of trying to convince her that the world isn't falling apart, we've moved to teaching her to control her reactions to those fears.  It seems to be working.

She seems to want to know that there is someone bigger to take care of her/it, and that I can do that. :)

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by loraxc 
I don't love the idea of completely sheltering her. It's a hard one.

But you won't have to/be able to shelter her forever. BUT when she's older, she will be able to deal with it better. I was much better able to shelter my older child, and I'm glad I did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just1More 

She seems to want to know that there is someone bigger to take care of her/it, and that I can do that. :)

Yes! This is very important to my kids too. That's why I don't mind sheltering them. It's not like they can DO anything about the tsunami or the nuclear reactor explosions (egads!). But I can reassure them that the adults in their lives will do all they can to keep them safe.

[loraxc]

Yes, I will also chime in and say that it was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized that explaining till I was blue in the face was not helping, even with lots of back-up,but that PROMISING my DD that the sun was not going to burn out in her lifetime did. I try not to promise things like "There will never be a tornado here" but I do say "Whatever happens, I promise I will keep you safe." If I'm wrong, well, we have bigger problems.

I think some kids keep feeling these things out anxiously because they need to have someone tell them it's not their job to worry about it.

[MusicianDad]

Be honest, and if his fear is "how can I survive if there is an earthquake/tsunami?" then take the most direct approach. Discuss and practice what you can do during and earthquake to stay safe, have him help make up and store an emergency preparedness kid, stuff like that. Even in kids, worry is often eased by having the information you need to reduce the risks in the off chance that something does happen.

[KCMichigan]

Originally Posted by loraxc 

 We also do not watch TV news (we just read everything online). So DD's exposure is very minimal, partly because of who she is and partly because we never subscribed to papers or watched TV news anyhow.

She does hear things at school sometimes, but as far as I know, she does not know about Japan, and I have not told her. It would REALLY freak her out, as natural disasters, in particular, are her nemesis. The tricky thing is that we may be about to participate in a kids' fundraise for Japan.

I don't love the idea of completely sheltering her. It's a hard one.

Ditto this.

My girls are 5 and know nothing of Japan & the earthquake/tsunami. They know what earthquakes and tsunamis are, but are not aware of what is going on now. We read all our news online and listen to CDs in the car.

We are on spring break, so they have not talked to their peers in a school setting recently. It may come up when they return to school.

One of my DDs is prone to anxiety and it would give her nightmares/extra worry. She worries enough about things she does not control/understand/process with a happy scenario.

I dont shelter them totally- we have talked about homelessness, hunger, children w/o parents, other family make ups, other religions, etc. BUT somethings - at this age- are too out of their control and lead to extra worry that is will happen to THEM (developmentally normal at this age). We get enough " when I die, if I die, when I am old..." talk along curious lines with some mild apprehension already, DH and I feel that they both need to work through that before facing larger issues.

We have talked about personal concerns:

"If we have a tornado, what will happen?" (as in to them) and we matter of factly tell them what to do (seek shelter, etc)

"If an asteriod crashes into us, what will happen?"(again in reference to them)

"What if I get really sick?" 

and on

Mostly, they need reassurance that an adult will take care of them and know what to do as well as the knowledge to be prepared (know 911). There is comfort in knowing what to do as well as knowing you can count on other people.

[beanma]

I just wanted to pop in and say that there's a Mr. Rogers quote about disasters and to  "look for the helpers" and focus on those people who were doing their best to help the victims. Let's see if I can find a link...okay, here are a couple...

http://www.fci.org/e-newsletters/february-2010/haiti.html

and

http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=74

hth

 

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by beanma 

I just wanted to pop in and say that there's a Mr. Rogers quote about disasters and to  "look for the helpers" and focus on those people who were doing their best to help the victims. Let's see if I can find a link...okay, here are a couple...

http://www.fci.org/e-newsletters/february-2010/haiti.html

and

http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=74

hth

 

Thank you.  That is wonderful. 

We slept over at my parents' house last Friday, and the next morning my sister watched DD for a couple of hours to let me sleep in.  The TV was on so loud that the the horrific reports of the earthquake and tsunami actually woke me up from all the way downstairs.  I ran downstairs but DD had already seen enough to ask questions.  Her first question was "why were the doctors in the earthquake.  Are they at the hospital?"  (She thought the people wearing masks were all doctors.)   I also assured her these events were happening on the other side of the world.  Oops.  "But daddy works on the other side of the world."  We also had a couple of really bad tornado scares in the last few months. 

I was a very fearful child.  I have to say that my strategy is to keep violent images or images that can be hard to understand away from DD, but to also explain everything to her.  For example, I have explained that the sky will fill with black clouds, the warnings will sound, and we will have time to go in the basement where we will be safe when a tornado comes.  The other day we were at a restaurant that we had been the day a tornado came by later that night and as soon as we pulled into the parking lot she asked if a "tomato" was coming.  I asked her if the sky looked black.  She peered out the window, said no, and looked delighted.

[VisionaryMom]

We have relatives in Japan, so I felt that we should tell DS and DD immediately to prevent them from hearing and putting faces to their worry. I explained what happened. We looked at a map of Japan to compare where our relatives are and where everything else is going on. We talked about what they're going to do. DS asks everyday if they're safe yet, and we talk about it. I don't go into gory detail about people being washed out to sea or crushed in buildings, but he did watch some footage of buildings floating away. DS is not overly anxious, though, about things like this. He takes much more of a "well, sometimes natural disasters happen. How tall did the wave get again?" approach. We haven't really addressed it with DD. We don't have television, so we have to seek out the information.

[Tigerle]

Just now, I had DS watch volcano videos on Youtube.

The first one was one of his favourites, a video about an Etna eruption in 2006 featuring a young photographer and volcano fan, great footage and music. though I always felt there was something slightly "off" about it. Just today, reading the comments for the first time, I realized the guy is dead - he fell to his death two years ago on Mt. Etna, at age 32. The videos with his name were uploaded by his father. I wanted to double-check and googled newspaper articles about the fall on DH's computer while putting on another video for DS, this time "The Mt. St. Helen's story", which we had watched before and I felt was okay, as DS doesn't understand the voice-over in English and I have always told him that people around Mt. St. Helen's had ample warning and were told to evacuate.

DH came home, I showed him the newspaper article asking him to read silently, we exchanged a few comments while DS was absorbed in watching the pyroclastic flow coming off the mountain. Suddenly he erupted into tears - "I don't want to watch any more - this is too sad!" What had upset him?

"The kitties - there were these kitties on a wardrobe and now I am worried that something happened to them!" I told him I'd listen to the voice-over and announced, again, how everyone had been told to leave and I was sure the cats had left too.

Except they hadn't, of course. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Randall_Truman

I showed DH the entry, again silently, and he murmured "you know next year he'll be reading and we're so up sh*t creek."

Edited to muse about how I am, again, re-evaluating whether he is really lacking in empathy or not. Every time I do so I come to a different conclusion.

[LynnS6]

Well, ds' reading teacher apparently showed the YouTube videos of the tsunami. Thanks Mr. M!

Actually it wasn't that bad. Ds was strangely reassured by parts of the videos. He has a better understanding now that the tsunami 'wave' is more like a really really fast rising tide. He had visions of a towering 30 foot wave coming in all at once. (And maybe it does places, but the one in Japan clearly wasn't.) So, yesterday when we came home from the basketball pizza party, he wanted to watch tsunami videos. He wanted to watch more tonight, but it was too late. I'm not sure if this is morbid fascination or plain curiosity. He also understands that we live in the same kind of subduction zone.

Dd's strategy was to go get the two largest teddy bears that we have and sit between them for protection (they're reach about 2 1/2 feet tall -- got at a neighbor's garage sale). OK. But I do wish I could have protected her more.

So far the nuclear disaster has gone over their heads.