This has been weighing heavily on my mind and I hope to get any advice anyone may have.
My first was born via c-section after becoming lodged in the birth canal (24 hrs of labor, 3 hours pushing, they had to pull her out of my pelvis during the c-section), after which I suffered PTSD and PPD (incl. breastfeeding related trauma, most likely due to sensory problem with DD, and birth trauma). I gathered myself and all of my strength and sought out formal therapy, attempted antidepressants and ultimately healed myself and proceeded to have baby #2, after much education and soul searching.
My second was born via unmedicated VBAC - an amazing experience but a difficult birth including 4th degree tear and lingering effects from that. He is currently in OT and PT for developmental delay (gross and fine motor) and sensory processing problems. He had feeding problems from the start, hypotonia, could not sit unsupported at 12 months etc etc. He is doing well now, but still not walking at 19 months.
My question is - and I can't believe that I"m even thinking about this because I am completely dedicated to my two children and I especially cannot imagine what the future holds for DS right now - but what in the world am I going to do if we have a third and final child? It is clear that his sensory issues could have been triggered by the difficult birth; every therapist asks about it and the fact that he was completely healthy and seemingly typical at birth. If my children are prone to sensory issues, and I have history of a 4h degree tear with continued complications after - should I choose another VBAC or repeat c-section? My main concerns are the health of the baby and that I do not have a repeat tear. I know that there are more complications associated with c-sections, and I also know that it is unlikely that I would have a repeat tear as severe - but both of my children have vestibular/sensory issues, and both of their noggins had too hard of a time passing through. I have extreme guilt of course, but most of all want to do what's best. Are there times when a surgical birth is best?
My heart is breaking over this, I guess I'm trying to figure out if I hurt my son even though I was trying to give him the gift of a gentle birth. I'm not sure if I will have any more children, but I would be so sad to rule it out because of fear of another traumatic delivery or damage to either of us. (although there are no guarantees, I feel like my decisions greatly influence the outcomes).