Perfectionism and agressive acting out

[hergrace]

I know that perfectionism is a big problem with some gifted kids.  I have finally realized that it may actually be the biggest issue my son has.  He has huge OEs, huge asynchronies, and SPD issues, but the thing that none of us can manage is how those issues interact with his perfectionism.

DS1 has taken to acting out aggressively: hitting, kicking and throwing things.  At school, they have been unable to identify his triggers, but I finally figured out today that the link between all of the episodes is that he becomes frustrated with some perceived fault in himself and lashes out because he has no tools to manage how bad he feels about himself.  It looks like an issue of perfectionism and the unreasonably high standards he sets himself.  Today, the meltdown was triggered because he wasn't as flexible as some of the other kids in his tae kwon do class. 

Does anyone have any experience helping a child develop better coping mechanisms and any strategies that might help at home or at school? Or resources that might help.  The school is running out of things to try, the anger management people he is working with don't have the training to work with the anger-at-self that is at the core of his aggression. 

TIA

[KCMichigan]

Originally Posted by hergrace 
  The school is running out of things to try, the anger management people he is working with don't have the training to work with the anger-at-self that is at the core of his aggression. 

 If the school is running out of ideas, they need better staff- to be honest. Quite a bit of  aggression in little people (elem/ preschool set) is directed at self, more than most people suspect.

I worked with kids that had social/emotional problems (elem) and  you would be surprised at how many had self-directed anger. Some is anger at others ( cant get way, anger at adults, etc), but often self-anger manifests as harming oneself (head banging, biting arms/etc.) instead of kicking/hitting. etc. 

I would suggest some social stories, use of positive language, visual affirmations that others have whatever the perceived 'flaw' (be it writing, sport ability,etc), visual charts/guides to what to do when angry, record keeping of angry attitudes/and results, " If I_________then_______happens." exercises ( child fills in blanks with both angry and more socially acceptable responses)

Below is s good website/PDF file for managing anger in kids- the differences in types of anger and ways to manage it as well as references.

http://www.reccorichardson.com/DOCS/Parenting_and_Addressing_Your_Childs.pdf

I would say we see a lot of anger-at-self at kids that are gifted and/or above average IQ (most of the kids I worked with have had IQ testing for therapy services), but not all. 

Perfectionism is the same thing...I saw more of it in gifted kiddos and as a result dealt w/ more anger-self related behaviors. It is tough.  The awareness of HOW things they want to be and the REALITY of what it is is very frustrating, both the lack of ability to control it (such as athletic ability, the ability to simply know things that are not commonly known at that age, the frustration at wanting to do something and the lack of physical skills to do so (think writing neatly, cursive, writing quickly enough for thoughts, riding a bike, kick a ball, etc). I think gifted kiddos rail against this and actually think it over and have to process it differently than some kids- they simply are less likely to accept the way things are and more likely to question it. 

This can lead to insecurity and anxiety.

If it is extreme perfectionism, you may consider an evaluation. Anxiety, ODD, OCD, SPD, and other diagnosis often can be seen along with giftedness and they may need more involvement than school staff can do. You could contact your local Childrens Center to see if they have someone that can give you some ideas.

[hergrace]

Thanks for the suggestion. I actually found that a very frustrating article to read.

I need to track down the original articles that are cited in the section on anger overload, because that is the only information that was new to me. And I found the article unhelpful in knowing how to proceed if that is what we were dealing with.

[KCMichigan]

Sorry you did not find it helpful. We have actually used the "Charts" the most out of the article. They provide a good visual for parents in the schools on what to do/ verbage to use so that is helpful for a child. Hopefully, you will find more info if you dig around in the citations.

Take the teenager stuff noted with a grain of salt for a gifted kiddo that has a supportive environment.  'Anger' itself is often all lumped together in researchwhen it really is a multi-facted thing. 

My suggestion would be to talk to a school social worker or a child psychiatrist that deals with anger management in pediatrics. Even contact a local gifted counsel/committee for ideas of professional persons (counselors, play groups, etc) that help gifted kids work on their concerns (perfectionism, anger, social skills, etc). Even if you had a chance to talk to someone in ideas to use at home may give you a good starting point or a fresh view that you can take back to the schools.

I know the state we now live in every school  has a 'guidance counselors' for K-12 to teach/work with both large groups, small groups, and individuals in the schools for various reasons- one of which is anger management. They do a lot of play therapy and talk therapy- as well as some role playing/social stories. The role playing and social stories you could easily do at home!

The state we moved from did not provide that service to kiddos. So I would look into it.

I hope it gets better for your DS soon!

[hergrace]

I think what I found frustrating is that the material is all a repeat of what the anger management team we are already working with has been guiding us through.

The piece in the article that talked about anger overload is the first time that I have read anything that seemed to discuss what we are witnessing, and all that the article says is that anger overload needs to be managed differently than regular anger.  But, then it doesn't give any advice.

From your suggestions of the kinds of people you think I should talk to, it seems that there are more resources in your area than I am finding in my area.  I have tapped out everything that I can afford.

Thanks,

[joensally]

Hi hergrace,

I think it's all about the intersection of things going on, like you describe - OEs, perfectionism, SPD.  I think they're flooded with feelings and lack the strategies to deal with them - so there is no one answer.

Is he getting any OT?  Do you have access to someone who can help you with some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) strategies, wherein "red light" thought patterns are replaced with "green light" thought patterns?

I'm sort of reading The Mindful Child right now (http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Child-Manage-Happier-Compassionate/dp/1416583009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300369471&sr=8-1), and it might be worth a look if you can find it at the library.  I think the concept is good (deep breathing, meditation, focused attention and I can see it improving executive function skills), I just find her writing style a bit meandering and I have to use my own EF skills to get myself back into reading it .  

YK, I think perfectionism and anxiety are linked, so maybe approaching the anxiety...Might the school look at this program, which has proven efficacy?  http://www.friendsinfo.net/

How is the new school going otherwise?

[hergrace]

Thanks for the book recommendation.  It isn't available at our library, but I'll see if I can track down a copy.

He isn't getting OT at the moment. He still has another 12-16 months on the waitlist within the provincial system, so I am looking for money for private treatment, but it just isn't there.

There is a major CBT element to the anger management work that we are doing, and I am working on addressing the anxiety in that manner as well, but we have no professionals helping us. Once again, money is the big issue. There are no appropriate public resources and we have no money for private.

The school is both amazing and awful. I takes me a long time to get straight answers out of the administrators. The principal and I don't have a good relationship, but she has been incredibly supportive of the SERTs efforts to support him.  The SERT is amazing and is trying everything she can think of that she has the resources for. In the long run, the public school simply may not be able to support him even if we can help him manage his anxiety and behaviour issues.  It took me months of asking before I finally got the responsible people to tell me directly that the board's policy is never to permit acceleration of content. Which is a huge red flag to me. There appears to be no opportunity at school for him to use his strengths to meet a challenge.

He has been home for two weeks - sick and then March break - and I dread the transition back to classes next week.