Need help and guidance 3.5 year old terror

[WhiteHorse]

I am not new to parenting boys, but it has been a while since I dealt with a toddler and never a "alone" toddler (my first were twins). My older sons are out of the house and so it is just me and the 3.5 year old all day. I am also expecting a little girl at the end of Apr so right now, I am huge and miserable and no doubt my hormones and moods plus the never-ending cold weather are at the root of most of this. But I still need help.

My sweet little boy, who was weaned in Aug, has turned from quiet and well behaved into a terror. It seems he has forgotten how to actually play, and instead spends most of his time harassing me. By this I mean he tries to hit me with his toys, tears up his toys and our belongings, makes a destruction zone of the house, and bosses me around. A lot of this behavior magically disappears when daddy gets home, but when he does act up in the evening, he does it with his eyes on dad to see what the reaction will be. My husband has a very long fuse and refuses to see the aggression DS has towards me. He says, "he is just a boy" - yes, maybe, but I struggle with exactly what to do to keep the man-cub in positive mode without losing my mind.

When DS is acting wild, I usually do not step in or correct unless he is doing something that would potentially hurt him or me or cause real damage. In other words, I try not to be the mom who is constantly nitpicking all the time. So he has ramped up his behavior so that almost everything he does will hurt or cause damage (does that make sense?) It's like he is trying to get to the mean mommy part. Redirecting rarely works. I have used time outs and when this failed miserably, I have used spanking (not an every day thing, very rarely and only when I have totally run out of options - usually only one squat on the butt). Please do not judge, I am looking for a better answer. I realize aggression begets aggression, negative energy begets negative energy. HOWEVER, how does the alternative work? I cannot ignore his behavior - it is deplorable. Yesterday he kicked his boots at my mom's face (this at a family get-together- completely out of the blue and non-provoked) - my mom by the way has only babysat him maybe 2-3 times his whole life so this was really unusual. Our reaction was just to explain calmly that kicking not nice, and she proceeded to put on his boots. Kind of worked, but I am not physically capable of wrangling him at this point every time we have to do something and he decides to not cooperate.

Any ideas? Sorry I would give more background but need to get off the computer now.

[Devaya]

That sounds really rough. My 3.5 year old has been having days like this lately, with really extreme tantrums too, so I can only imagine how much harder it is when it's every day and when you're pregnant too! I find that the contributing factors seem to be TV (I've cut WAY down, and no TV first thing in the morning), not feeling connected enough to me (when I'm rushing around getting things ready for the day, etc, and not sitting down with him and doing stuff with him), and testing boundaries... It's the first preschooler I've had, so I'm still figuring out the solutions, but also trusting this phase will pass.

Interesting that your son stops the behaviour mostly when your husband is around. My ex reports that DS never behaves this way with him - he just gives him one 'look' and any behaviour that's starting to ramp up, will stop. I think the mother-son relationship is so different - they really do push our buttons, I have a friend who's having similar issues with her 3.5 year old too. Have you tried talking to him about how he's feeling, what he might need? along the lines of, ''hitting hurts.(maybe link to a time he was hurt). I know you must be feeling bad to be hitting. Would you like to tell me what's going on with you?'" It doesn't always work, but recently my son was having a day of just exploding about everything, bossing me around and then freaking out when I didn't ''obey', and I realised he was feeling out of control and therefore trying to get control of everything. Is there anything going on in your home environment that might be making him feel worried - perhaps the approaching baby? Anyway I took my son aside and talked to him and told him I was on his side, I loved him and was there for him, and he could talk to me about anything that was going on. After a couple minutes he calmed down and responded to what I said, answered my questions, and I figured out he was wanting to go home (we are on holiday with my parents). I felt his whole body relax and we were able to move on. Just a thought.

[D_McG]

Is he getting enough sleep?

[puddle]

I've recently learned that 3.5 is a super tough age.  Apparently it's been fairly well established that kids this age are completely insane and impossible.  My own daughter is still in there, although she's more at 3.75 now so I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm also pregnant and due in April, and it's tough.  I think the thing that's really helped me cope the most is changing my mindset.  My DD seems so grown-up and capable and deliberate, that it was easy to think of her as a little monster intent on making my life hell.  But I've realized (largely through discussions on a local AP list) that she's still really young and still not in control.  She's always seemed to have great impulse control, but right now she's feeling such strong  feelings and it's really overwhelming for her.  So now instead of looking at it as how can I make her behave herself, I look at it as how can I help her to stay safe and learn to calm her body down.  I don't approach her with blame when she goes crazy, I typically just take her to a safe place, restrain her gently with a bear hug (which is getting admittedly more difficult now that I'm 8 months pregnant) and while she rages I tell her that I have to keep her and everyone else safe and that I can let her go when she calms her body down enough to stop hitting and throwing things.  After it's over, we talk about ways she can try to calm her body down next time (ex: hitting or throwing pillows, making mad pictures, sitting in her special place that I made her in a corner of her playroom).  It's actually getting better for us.  I think the fact that I'm no longer scared and overwhelmed by her behavior (knowing it's normal and that it will pass helped) has helped her to be less scared and overwhelmed by it too.  When she yells "I'M MAD" I always thank her for telling me how she feels and ask if she needs help calming her body.  Sometimes she'll ask me to come with her to her playroom so she can calm her body down.  We still have the exhausting full-blown meltdowns, but they're decreasing in frequency and I feel like now we can get through them for a few more months.

I hope you find something that works for your family, and hope you have a wonderful birth!

[mary934]

Not easy,

I think we should try and work on the problems ' out of the moment ' and after you have made a positive connection.

We can try and start the CPS - collaborative problem solving process - a process , not a technique - takes experience for a kid to pick up skills and trust the process 

In  short  - we say '  I have noticed when etc this happened what's up  ?  we may need to reassure the kid that we are not mad at him or going to force him to doing something he does not want to do , all we want is his input , tell his story , his concerns, what is bothering him 

we need to look in detail at the incident and come up with several tentative suggestions of his possible concerns - sometimes if a kid is struggling or not very verbal , or does not know we can drill down by asking yes/no questions and then expanding the conversation. Once we have a clear picture of what is bothering him , we can define the problem by putting your concern on the table and invite him to brainstorm a mutually satisfying solution. Some parents use google pictures to help kids identify their concerns or choose solutions 

Problem solving is a messy business , but there is always learning on the way - he is picking up skills and we are solving problems 

[WhiteHorse]

Thanks for all the great replies. I remember 3 being much worse for my twins than the supposed terrible twos. I have been reading a few other threads and some blogs suggested, and I totally agree (and with much guilt) I realize I have been expecting and treating him like a much older child. He is very intelligent. I mean, he already knows his left from right, remembers everything that is said, and can creatively problem solve. But, he is still a baby really and I forget this in the heat of the moment.

When my older sons were little, they were in daycare part of the time and this gave me a break from them nearly every day. I also had a lot of other people around to help by babysitting when I needed to get out. Right now, the most I get away is about 2 hours once per month (for a church group thing). And even when DH is home, I still do 90% of everything with DS. Ocasionally he takes him with him to the store or something. I am just worn out, and I wish that things would change but I know they won't. It is only going to get a million times worse when the baby comes, and I am very depressed about it. I wish I could look forward to my new baby girl, but I dread it. I guess I just need to try to get a hold of my mental state.

[ssh]

Have you thought of preschool? My DD started abit after turning 3.5. It is a co-op playbased preschool that has 2.5 hours classes. The 3's class meets 2 days a week and the 4-5 class meets 3. Those 5 hours a week were a great break and preschool reinforced the civil co-operative behavior we wanted to see at home.

[D_McG]

I second preschool. It's been amazing for my son. He just finished his second year there and now we're trying to find lots of fun things for him to do this summer when my own baby arrives! I think he just outgrew being home with me all the time. It's lovely that he has his own little life experiences now, apart from me.

[WhiteHorse]

After today I am almost convinced both my little ones would be better off in daycare full time! I am literally losing my mind. Imagine the entire day a destruction zone, getting hit, kicked, things thrown at, screamed at, and eventually he bit me - twice! When dad got home, it didn't end there - he kept it up with daddy too until dad put him down and refused to play at all. Where do you think he went after that? Yep - back to me to continue tormenting me. Even his affectionate actions are aggressive now - he hugs and squeezes like he's going to strangle me - puts his hands over my nose and mouth, smashes his face into mine "kissing" me. It is soooo bizarre!! I am in tears half the time because I can barely stand to be in the room with him. I am seriously considering having him evaluated for a sugar imbalance (he has some dietary problems already). We have an appt with a nutritionist (a new one) in a couple weeks. You would have had to see the way he was about 5 months ago - entirely different little boy. It mostly started with more aggressive play just with his toys and has progressed gradually to this serious behavior. He was sick a lot in Jan-Feb but now that he is not fighting off anything, he has become very different.

To respond to the preschool thing, I wish we could do preschool - for one we can't afford it. For two, it is very difficult even getting him to stay in church class. He won't stay in there without me. If I make him stay, he gets so upset, he has asthma attack. I usually stay in there or take him out with me to the sanctuary. He does ok with the other kids and enjoys them. I appreciate the suggestion, but at this time, just not possible.

[Momsteader]

Asthma. Has he taken Pediapred?? It literally made my ds INSANE. In rages.  So seriously, the doctor wrote that he was NEVER to be given it again unless it was life/death as it made him so crazed. It would last for a while after each dose, but then he'd get sick again and be given it. Soon, we figured out that it was the Pediapred (prednisone liquid for kiddos) that was making him so awful.

[WhiteHorse]

After his last really bad asthma episode, he was prescribed Orapred which we gave him only 2 doses and quit because it made him insane. That was back in mid-Jan I believe. After that, he had the flu and was on Tamiflu. The Tamiflu I was told sometimes had similar side effects, but he was fine. He has only gotten really bad the past few weeks and the only meds he is on are Singulair which he's had for over a year, and Prilosec. He is underweight and since around Oct or so, his eating had gotten better but now he is back to not eating well again. His craziness does not always coincide with fasting-eating or hunger, but sometimes seems to. I still have to make a note of this because perhaps his sugar is low or high and makes him surge. He eats so little, that even a little food would have a drastic effect, I would think. He does seem to eat more sugar now than he had months in the past. We were instructed to let him eat whatever he wanted.

As far as sleep, he seems to be getting enough. He has gotten so he doesn't need a nap unless he wakes up before 9 am. He'll usually need about 12 hours.

[Momsteader]

Singulair and Pulmicort were another two my ds took for asthma. His out of control behavior improved a lot when we took him off all his asthma meds. It coincided with us starting intensive chiropractic care (we dropped all his asthma meds cold turkey 2 weeks into chiro) so I'm not sure if it was the meds for sure, but we never went back to the asthma meds and he was categorized as a severe asthmatic (3+ hospitalizations/12+ ER visits/many, many attacks per year). He has just an inhaler now that he uses maybe a few times a year if he's sick.

Can you physically restrain him when he's out of control?  I used to "hold" my ds on my lap until he was done then release him slowly into a hug and calm embrace. Him facing out feet out front so he could kick floor, but not me. Me holding his hands/upper body in a tight embrace. Talking calmly to him the whole time no matter how wild he was. "I am going to hold you until you can be safe. I am not hurting you. I am keeping you safe. Once you're calm, I will let you go. You need to take some deep breaths and settle down." yadda yadda until he'd got it all out and was calm. Time-ins for any kind of punishment (having to sit/stay/or be held by me).

I would not tolerate the aggressive 'affection'. I would tell him that it hurts and he is not to hurt me. If he does, into the hold until he calms (he'll likely get worse first) and then let go and soft/sweet loves from you and hopefully back from him.

It sounds like he needs very firm physical boundaries.

[sagelove]

I opened this thread because we are going through similar issues our 3.5 year old son right now, but as I read further I noticed you mentioned he was on Singulair. Google to find out more about Singulair and aggression. Perhaps it may be exacerbating the behavior.

[WhiteHorse]

All I can say is, I am in tears reading the comments about Singulair! He was prescribed this drug at around age 19 months for Asthma but we didn't give it to him on a regular basis because of cost. We did start a more routine daily dose back in Aug. Precisely when his behavior seemed to change. There were so many other things going on, I didn't even think about it. My husband also takes it (when we can afford it) and HE has been treated for depression as well. I had no idea these side effects of Singulair. Hopefully, I can take him off without his asthma flaring. THANK YOU for sharing this!