Not sure how to get over the fear of labor...

[Taryn237]

(x-posted in Birth Trauma)

***Now 35 weeks and still feel like I can't do this... I posted this in Birth Trauma a few months ago but that forum is pretty slow and I need some help/encouragement/advice...  I've been trying to read positive birth books and listen to hypnobabies but I'm very fearful.  I'm praying labor goes so fast we don't even make it out our front door.  DH would not be ok with a planned UBAC.  When I listen to the hypnobabies VBAC visualization cd I don't know how to picture my 'ideal labor and birth' because I don't really want to labor.***

I am 22 weeks pregnant (with surprise #3) and not doing so well.  I'm in denial I have to go through labor and birth again.

DS was a failed induction turned unnecessarian (impatient midwife) at 41w6d.  I remember being thankful when they did the spinal because atleast the pain of the contractions (with pit) stopped. 

With DD I had been pumping once a day from 39w (I have IGT and had a low supply with DS). Anyway, 39w5d PROM. Labor did not start. 12 hours later I took castor oil, went to hospital at 18 hours PROM, needed almost constant nipple stim to keep labor going, At 33 hours past PROM I agreed to pit. I begged to go into the tub and was completely SHOCKED when it did nothing to ease the contractions.  After the pit hypnobabies also did nothing to help.  A few hours later I got an epidural because besides the pain being intolerable I was utterly exhausted and needed to sleep. After my nap they shut off the epidural but DD's heart was dropping when I was pushing so I was flat on my back pushing uphill. She was born 44 hours after my water broke. My midwife (different practice then DS) was in the hospital with me for over 24 hours. Yes, she came out of my vagina but I could barely move for days. It was awful.  I feel bad complaining because I 'got my VBAC'.  And guilty because of the epidural.

I can understand the desire for a medicated birth and even a c/s.  If we knew this was our last child I would seriously consider scheduling a c/s.  I cannot go through labor like that again.  The thought that it could be the same makes me break down and cry.  I don't know if I can do it without the epidural.  But I hated being stuck on my back and I hate catheters.  Maybe I have a lower pain tolerance than others.  I don't know.  I thought that by this point I would be beginning to be ok with birthing again.  I'm not even ok with being pregnant yet.  I feel so unattached to the baby.  I'm not sure what to do next to prepare for the inevitable.  I did hire a doula atleast.  DH thinks I'm insane because I just keep crying. 

[Ms. B. Sprout]

It's so hard to be pregnant and staring down the barrel of birth. That baby's gotta come out somehow, and when you have a crappy birthing history, it's like torture sometimes.

Given your history, maybe you should just give yourself permission to get that epidural if you end up with unbearable labor again. I mean, who knows -- you could settle into a manageable contraction pattern, not like pit labor, and you could find yourself handling it far better than you ever thought. But if it's awful, if you end up with pit augmentation because of something like PROM, then getting the epidural might be a great choice for you. And that's ok.

I really do get where you're coming from with the fear of labor. I have had unanaesthetized pit labor (20hours) and unanaesthetized posterior/back labor (35 hours) and IT SUCKS. I watch these birth videos of these women who get breaks in between contractions and wonder what the hell that would feel like. I swear I have PTSD from my labors.

Also, you could *plan* for a VBAC but let go of trying to control the outcome of birth. I have a "failed" VBAC under my belt, and let me tell you I know that birth has its own agenda. You can create good conditions, but the outcome is not under your control.

Good for you for hiring a doula!! Also check out spinningbabies.com for fetal positioning.

I hope some other mamas pop in with words of wisdom for you. Hugs, mama.

[rubyinparadise]

Hi Taryn,

All I can say is that I really empathize... I have such mixed feelings about trying for VBAC. My logical mind really wants it, and my heart wants it too, but I totally dread what is going to be required of me to get from point A to point B. And I'm also afraid of failing, and then ending up exhausted again, with another c-sect, when I could have just scheduled one. I was really wrecked for the longest time after my son was born. I also felt/feel like a failure that my unmedicated homebirth became an epidural then a surgery.

The temptation to get a good night's sleep then go in for a c-sect all well-rested and at peace with the choice is certainly there. But I'd probably then feel like I didn't took the easy road. Not that c-sect recovery is easy.

My fears were probably there during my first labor but I thought that hypnobabies training would just take care of that. It didn't work for me at all. I had cluster contractions lasting 3-5 minutes, and back labor. I sort of panicked when I realized that my birth training was useless (not that it doesn't work well for others). I suddenly felt very unprepared. I still went on to do 12 hours of unmedicated labor but my son never dropped below -3.

I am thinking about reading a book called Birthing from Within because it seems to have exercises in it for confronting fears. I have no idea when I will have time for that, with an 11 month old running around, but it seems to be the best resource out there for addressing labor fears. Have you heard of it or read it?

[LisaSedai]

:hugs

I'm so sorry you are going through this especially that DH doesn't understand why you are so upset. I hope your doula can help give you the emotional support and encouragement you need. I had Pit with my first and I totally understand why people get epidurals - they say labor hurts worse when your water is broken too ( I don't know, I was AROM for my first and PROM for my second ) Most people have faster labors after they have already had one or two children, I hope this is  the case for you. My OB offers something for pain, I think it's called a pudendal(sp?) block for people who don't want epidurals. It's an older form of pain relief, docs stopped doing them when 90% of people started getting epidurals. Peace and healing to you, and best wishes for easy labor vibes.

[Taryn237]

Thanks ladies.  I definitely wouldn't schedule a c/s at this point because we do want more kids.  But the epidural is a possibility if I don't arrive at the hospital far along and go quickly or if I need pit.  Half of my friends get them and half don't... it's hard to be natural and crunchy and still want the epidural...  ha.  I wish there were safe possibilities for something else to take the edge off.  At my last birth my midwife did also say to the nurse that only about 1% of their clients get the epidural.  I kinda hate to be that 1%.  It's so hard not to know how things will go.  I've never gone into labor on my own so that's step one.  From there to pushing, not sure.  I have no doubt I can push this baby out, its getting to 10 on my own, and the pain that goes with it, that I doubt.

[jenniro]

Well, I think you've done amazing so far.  You might find that spontatneous labor and natural contractions are way easier to handle than pit induced contractions, or maybe not.  Your doula may be able to support you through the pain, or maybe not.  If you decide you want pain medications, epidural, that is ok.  It doesn't matter what your friends do or what the midwife thinks.  Being fearful and tense will hinder your labor and probably create exactly what you are afraid of happening.  Have you read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth?  The first half are stories of natural birth.  I think reading positive stories will really help with the fears.  It's pretty easy for me to talk now, but we'll see how I feel when I am pregnant (hopefully this summer) and really seeing if my fears about a HBA2C are dealt with ;) You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.  Hang in there! 

[Izzy's Mom]

Taryn

I can so sympathize with you! I found labor and pushing to all be very difficult. I did a lot of preparation (although not hypnobabies) and early labour wasn't bad, so I thought I could manage. I had an epidural with my first VBAC though because after laboring all day at home and thinking it was a good time to go the hospital - well, it wasn't! It was too early and I hurt and I was strapped to a bed and I eventually begged for an epidural.

VBAC number two was a much faster birth, but still I was wanting relief from the contractions. Hard to admit to yourself when you are a proponent of natural births and VBACs and yet in that moment of pain I was crazed. Luckily (?!) for me my labor went enough faster that by the time I got to the hospital I was in transition and close to pushing and my nurses helped me to cope even when I asked for an epi.

I can't tell you that your labor will be faster, or easier or happen on its own. But I can tell you that no matter how bad you feel in the moments of contractions - you can do whatever you set your mind to. If you want an epidural that is totally ok if it gets you through, but I bet you can make it through regardless. I will pray for you that this third baby comes on time and without PROM. And that you can make peace with your pregnancy, because that acceptance will likely help a little. My third was earlier than planned and it was an adjustment, but it has all worked out!
 

Originally Posted by Taryn237 

Thanks ladies.  I definitely wouldn't schedule a c/s at this point because we do want more kids.  But the epidural is a possibility if I don't arrive at the hospital far along and go quickly or if I need pit.  Half of my friends get them and half don't... it's hard to be natural and crunchy and still want the epidural...  ha.  I wish there were safe possibilities for something else to take the edge off.  At my last birth my midwife did also say to the nurse that only about 1% of their clients get the epidural.  I kinda hate to be that 1%.  It's so hard not to know how things will go.  I've never gone into labor on my own so that's step one.  From there to pushing, not sure.  I have no doubt I can push this baby out, its getting to 10 on my own, and the pain that goes with it, that I doubt.

[rubyinparadise]

Hi Taryn,

All I can say is that I really empathize... I have such mixed feelings about trying for VBAC. I totally dread what is going to be required of me to get from point A to point B. And I'm also afraid of failing, and then ending up exhausted again, with another c-sect, when I could have just scheduled one.

The temptation to get a good night's sleep then go in for a c-sect all well-rested is certainly there.

I am thinking about reading a book called Birthing from Within because it seems to have exercises in it for confronting fears. Have you heard of it or read it?