Good points. I always thought they felt comfortable commenting on the intimate details of my reproduction because they had no tact
"Don't have any more kids, please!" - Page 4
This really bothers me. It's such a rude question to ask. My neighbor gets this a lot and it really used to bother her but now she replies, "Truthfully, I'm not sure who the father or fathers could be. They were conceived during my wild days."After that the person asking the question has nothing left to say! LOL
On both sides - "too" many or "when are you having more?" - both questions just RUDE. I like the feeling that we are all in it together against nosy nellies.
I only have one, but yep, once the 2 year mark hit, EVERYONE wanted to know when we were going to have another one. Like it's any of their business! So I used to just shrug, and evade the question. Then (because we WERE trying at the time) once I had a miscarriage, I just HATED to be asked that question. It did make me want to cry. So I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.
Them: "So, when are you guys going to have another one?"
Me: "Well, actually I've just had a miscarriage. Thanks for asking."
Sometimes, the person would want to offer condolences, as if I want any from them, I'll just cut them off.
"Yeah, thanks for bringing it up. I love talking about it." Call me rude. Whatever. I think I did tear up once or twice. The person just looked awkward. Good.
Oh, and also, WTF is up with the questions about husband getting fixed/why didn't you tell us you were trying? SO RUDE. If someone asked me about DH getting "fixed" I'd simply answer "no" and then ask "So how's your/your husband's penis doing?" Totally point out how rude it is to ask a personal question like that? Or maybe I could just ask why they are interested in knowing about my spouse's genitals?
You weren't rude at all! Good for you, more people should respond like that.
When my husband's uncle asked me when we were having another and my son was only 3 months old. I said something about how we weren't even having sex yet, so it'd kind of hard to have baby. I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but I know I said the word "sex" and he looked at me like I was crazy and walked away.[
This exact thing happened to me when I was pregnant with my 3rd boy. I was fuming. "Oh, I'm so sorry, looks like you won't get your girl" or "Oh, you poor thing, you'll have to go through it again if you want to try for a girl." And one woman (stranger in a grocery store) said, in front of my kids, "If the next one isn't a girl, you had better *stop*.
I hated the assumption that I was only pregnant "yet again" in order to "try for a girl". I'd love girl, but that is not the reason we want to have a big family. If I had 10 boys, I'd be thrilled. Also hate the assumption that I was grudgingly "going through it again" as if it was some kind of torture. bleah.
I have had a lot of losses too but still get crap from people. I was actually told that losing babies was "God's way of saying no more." I answer to this "God does not kill babies to teach lessons" and "so what is he saying when 9 yr olds get pregnant?" and "So you speak for God now?"
My sister has twins~ now 22!!! And when people said that she'd always reply. "YES! Best ME, not you! I'm the lucky one!"
People can be so horrible.
It seemed my pregnancy with #4 was the golden ticket for the 'you're pregnant AGAIN? ' comments. Odd, because we went through IF with all 3 of our others and had losses as well... even people who knew our history said crap. This Babe was the most amazing surprise of my life and every moment I thank God for his arrival and still can't believe he's here.
I have found that lots of rude commennts come from people who do not genuinely enjoy their children *shrug*, or their lives for that matter.
I HATE the "Are you done NOW?" Question. WTF!
that's what i thought at first too. but there there were three pages of people saying that this was something that people felt comfortable to comment on, like it was a socially acceptable thing to do.
which made me think why? why would this be socially acceptable?
Another friend has three, and gets comments on that, along with the "so, are you going to have more?". She usually quips "well, I think we are going to stop here because otherwise they will always add gratuity to our check automatically, and that would bug me."
My friend with four went boy, girl, boy, girl. When people make snarky comments to him he says "look, they go boy, girl, boy, girl. Clearly it is just like I planned."
As a mom of two who is tired and bedraggled with one crazy toddler underfoot you can be sure if you catch me staring at your big family it is just that I'm looking for your secrets to child management. Chances are your brood are much better behaved than my pair.
Wow, this has been so enlightening! I truly did not realize the idiocy moms with more that one child have had to face. I am one of those on the flip side with one child who is 5years old. I have gotten rude questions about having more for years. It does annoy me to no end because it seems like they are implying one isn't enough which was previously mentioned. I always field it with "I nearly died having this one and it is more important to me to be able to be his mommy than risk my life to get pregnant again." or something like " I would like to have one more, but I may not be able to thanks to the damage done having my first." People really don't get that it's none of their business either way, but I like to sort of overshare so they can revel in the awkwardness. I hope that maybe my overshare will prevent them from making idiotic statements in the future.
slightly off-topic :) : I happen to read a blog of a mom who was blessed with two pairs of twins. Just imagine! She often speaks of those shocked looks she gets in the street , andf her kids are very...lively too, so you can imagine :) She just acts natural, and never feels she has to explain herself, and neither do you:) I only have 1 kid and don't want more than 2, but it's your business, nobody has the right to tell you stuff like that. IGNORE THEM!
When I was pregnant with #3, my mom started in on me about "this should be the last one." I really think her reasoning was that two kids (8 years apart mind you) was too much for her to handle so how could I possibly handle 3 (8 and under)? When I was pregnant with #4, she kept harping on me about DH getting a vasectomy. As if my husband's genitalia has anything to do with her. I just kept saying that "We'll get around to it" meaning probably after the next baby. LOL. My last pregnancy ended in a m/c and she really couldn't contain herself about the vasectomy thing. I never replied back, just changed the subject. So now I'm pregnant with #5 and she hasn't said a darn thing about it. Oddly enough, DH has a referral for a vasectomy. LOL.
When I was pregnant with #5 my husband and I wanted to have t-shirts printed that read:
Yes, we know how pregnancy happens
Yes, we are having boy #4
No, we were not trying for a girl
Yes, we are happy
No, it's not too many
And no, it's none of your business
I couldn't believe the comments made. They came from my family, friends, co-workers and strangers alike. It got to the point to where we would just look at people when they made a comment like that.
i think people just like to comment. we got pg with dd (our first) literally the night dh came home from a year and a half deployment to iraq, so we got alot of "we know what you guys were doing". well of course...i haven't seen my dh in how long, so obviously we would be "reconnecting" lol.
when she was 2ish we started getting alot of "when are you having another?" type questions. mind you, we started ttc when she was 9mo and had gone thru 3 end of 1st trimester losses by the time she was 2. i was far from pleasant to people who asked, and i'm sure they regretted asking!
we finally got pg with ds1 (our 2nd living babe) and he was born when dd was 3.5yrs. everyone seemed concerned during the pg that it MUST be a boy. like that was the only reason we kept trying. we didn't share the pg with anyone till 20wks and kept the "boy" part a secret for quite a while. when people asked if we wanted a boy, i'd tell them that we were actually just praying for a baby that was alive, and that 2nd to that, healthy was our only other hope.
ds1 was 8mo when we got pg with ds2. we got alot of shocked comments about how close together they'd be, etc. i had alot of fun watching the shock on people 's faces when they discovered i was pg again too! i usually wore ds1 in a front carry when we were out and about...did till about 8mo pg, so he hid the belly pretty well.
now i can't go into a store without someone commenting how i have my hands full. i have a 5yr old, a 21mo, and a 4mo. i get how that does keep me busy, but still. not only is it said in a "you poor crazy woman" type way, but it is said in front of the kids. and what kills me is that while they can be quite wild at times, they are usually behaving very well when we get these comments. one of the grocery store managers that is actually an old friend of dh's has commented a few times on how brave i am to take all 3 shopping. she only has 2, and she also goes out of her way to come say hi to the kids when she sees us, so i give her the benefit of the doubt. still, some days i'd like to respond with "next time i'll leave one home alone, in the car, etc. i do often feel as though people see me out with them and figure i'm "one of THOSE women" as i have the baby in a wrap, the toddler in the buggy (hopefully actually sitting on his bum lol), and the preschooler trailing along beside me (again hopefully not touching things she shouldn't).
i think the oddest comment i got was in the parking lot at target a few weeks after ds2 was born. a woman came up to me and said she'd seen us in the store and just had to let me know how lucky i was to be able to have babies. i wasn't sure if it was meant as a compliment, or if i'd acted grouchy toward dd (always possible if it's one of those touch everything in every aisle days) or what. i just said thank you and quickly finished putting the kids in their car seats.
You know, thinking about it... I know my parents got a lot of flak for having 6 kids, but whenever I admit to having five sisters, people my age tend to think it's great. Always have. I'd get way heaps of envious "Man, I wish I had a sister" or "I always wanted a big family" comments; also plenty of shocked "Whoa, SIX girls? No boys?" comments, but they weren't overtly judgmental, just surprised.
Mum, on the other hand, had to deal with the usual - the assumption she must be trying for a boy, the "how can you afford more kids?", the comments from her mother. Fun fun fun.
I'm not sure if I should be pleased or annoyed, but our entire acquaintance seems to be on the "Why haven't you had another one yet?" end of the spectrum than the "Don't have any more" one. Mum and Dad are vaguely kindasorta quiverfull (as far as I can make out, they don't mind spacing children, but don't like the idea of permanent BC and are a fan of large families) ; MIL and FIL are Catholics, although they only have two kids for medical reasons, so they're not as dogmatic as they could be; and a lot of my friends or parents' friends are homeschoolers, who are often either QF or Catholic or just like big families.
So the pressure started early. :p One friend of Mum's started every conversation with her after the wedding with "Are they pregnant yet? Why not?". (Charming.) When we got pregnant with DD after five months of marriage, our next-door neighbor/landlord (QF) said it was "about time". As soon as DD was one year old, the comments started FLOODING in about having another one. And of course, now we're expecting baby number 2, we have all the "Oh, thank goodness it's a boy" comments to enjoy as well. (I've started sweetly replying "Actually, we were hoping for a girl", just out of cantankerousness. It's true, but we're perfectly happy to have a boy - but as one of six girls, I like to remind people that it's a little offensive to assume another girl isn't wanted!)
The funny thing is, we originally intended to have a large family, and now - due to a combination of birth trauma and personality issues and horrible pregnancies and various other things - we probably won't. I'd still like to, but I'm not sure if I could cope. Having this baby was the result of HUGE mental effort and, frankly, bravery; so it annoys me when people greet the news with a kind of "Well, it's about time, what were you doing for the last two and a half years?" attitude. I spent a good part of that time trying not to go into panic attacks every time I thought about giving birth again; it wasn't like I was sipping cocktails! (And even if I had been, none of their business...)
So, yeah. No right answer. I admit that since I've learned a lot more about nutrition and how depleted the mother's body gets after repeated back-to-back pregnancies, I sometimes cringe a little inside when I hear friends are having babies every year, particularly on poor diets. But I wouldn't say anything; for one thing it's just plain rude, and for another, for all I know they have a medical condition that means they need to have all their children ASAP... or religious beliefs that preclude BC... or whatever. My priorities aren't theirs, you know?
I only have one (3yrs) and haven't received many "when are you having more?" comments/questions. However, I watch 2, sometimes 3 kids during the day and like to take them out a lot (along with my own son), and have gotten a lot of comments when I'm with them all.
Once, in the mall, I had the 6mo old in the ergo, front carrying, and had both boys (2 and 3yrs) in a sit 'n stand stroller. The younger boy was sleeping and my son was asking nicely if he could have a pretzel. An older woman approached me, GRABBED my hands, looked me straight in the eye with a worried look and said "please tell me that you are not pregnant again!" I just smiled, patted the baby's back and said "nope, not yet" and she left me alone. I also get a lot of "how many daddies are there?" Since, none of the kids I watch look like me, or each other....so obviously I'm a floozy or something for taking so many kids out that don't look alike...lol. I don't even know how to reply to those..I usually just say that I'm a daycare provider and that they are not all mine.
Bugglette, my aunt was watching my siblings and me one day - with her own two kids, who were born equidistant between cousins (so about 6 months apart from the cousins they were with). There were 5 of us at the time - so it would have been 9, 7, 6, 4, 3, 2, 18 months. Some woman walked up to her and berated her for her irresponsibility and asked her if they were all hers. My aunt, the eldest of 12, snapped out, "Yes, they are, and I love every one of them." And walked off. She said later if the woman couldn't tell that it was physically impossible for her to have had all of us, given our age, then the woman didn't deserve a truthful response.
Smokering, I'm from a family of 7 girls, I know exactly what you went through with nosy strangers asking questions and making assumptions - we were asked all the time whether my parents were "trying for a boy." How insulting. My dad's mother apparently lectured my parents with each pregnancy about how they should stop. She was a very loving grandma to us all though, we didn't know she'd been haranguing our parents until we were adults and Mom told us.
I think a lot of people simply don't think about the possibility that people might be desperately trying to conceive, or suffering multiple miscarriages, when they say the things they say. They may not have ever experienced those problems, and assume that others haven't either. Not to justify what they say -- but I did snap at one of my sisters when she asked when I'd be getting pregnant again (about 5 months after my miscarriage, which I had only told my mom and one other sister about). Ironically, she still asks me whether I'm pregnant when we get together. I think it's because her dh is DONE and she wishes she weren't done, so she's living vicariously through my perceived possibility of being pregnant. And since I've a dh who'd like to be done, and I'm not ready to be done, it hurts every time. Ugh.
sociologically speaking i think its a combination of many factors. however i am talkign about rude people in general - not just with this comment.
i think its the remnant of 'the village'. where people were parts of social control that instilled in those around what the right way to do things are. this is not something new. rude vociverous people have existed all along. those who wanedt to found roles to play in society like elders or some kind of leader guiding the people.
today i think the isolation is also a cause for some. they still have the need to instill social control but they have no one to do it to. so they choose random strangers.
and as another mommy here pointed out some of it is also the 'saviour' mentality. all that talk of population explosion really affects some people. for some enough to never want to have kids. that is hugely major. .
for many its the expense and news issues like octet mom and irresponsible teen pregnancies.
though mostly i feel it comes from a deeper part of themselves. that they dont matter. and so insist our views on others. its a sense of their own isolation no matter how many people they have around you.
i have only one - purely due to circumstances. i face these comments when i say i wanted nothing less than 4 kids and possibly 6. how i feel cheated. adn these are people i know. for most of them its teh hardship these days of having so many kids that come to their mind (mainly financial). or the fact that parenting does not come naturally to them adn that raising kids is hard work. they do not get how i can have weekend sleepovers at my house with age ranges from 2 to 10 of about anything from 3 to 10 kids at a time. that in summer i have kids living with me for weeks at a time during my school break.
on the whole though i feel these are signs of breakdown of social 'behaviour' (for lack of a better word). people choosing the easy way out. the urban way of living (not sure waht to call it, the reason why so few people dont cook these days because it takes up so much time). life is so hard why bring more hard stuff on you. do you know how many women i overhear saying 'oh he's so much trouble - its not worth it'. people are no longer willing to work on relationships (which i can understand too). relationships are trouble. children are trouble. why would you want to add more to your plate?
I only have two, intentionally. But I have a few friends who have larger families....4, 5, 6 kids. I don't care how many kids a couple has; I do expect, however, that the couple has concrete plans for caring for so many little people. In other words, if you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em. That goes for one kid or twelve. That's my personal opinion, but I don't unload my opinion on random people I meet in day-to-day life.
I my DD is 3 and I've gotten a lot of "When are you going to give her a brother or sister?" type comments. I like to gently over share a bit so people maybe get the idea that that question is a bit emotionally loaded for casual conversation. I usually say something like, "Well we haven't used any form of birth control since dd was born, so we're hoping I'll get pregnant soon. Of course it took over a year and a miscarriage to get pregnant with dd, so we're trying to be patient." or if I'm feeling less nice, "We're working on it, but my body doesn't seem to be cooperating."
Recently someone commented just a few hours after I got my period after being a few days late and thinking, "maybe this time" She said, "That sweet girl needs a brother or sister to play with! Y'all need to get busy making her one!" obviously intending to be funny and had no ill intentions. I teared up while responding. I bet she doesn't make any more comments quite like that, she felt so badly about nearly making me cry.
I'd really love to have a large family, but DH isn't really on board for that and with my age and how long it apparently takes us to get pregnant it doesn't look likely that we'll have more than 2. I'm still hoping for 3 though.
If you see me staring at your large family, it's probably because I'm a little jealous.
A family member asked me once, as he was taking a sip of water from the sink, "you do know how that happens, right?" I replied, "yes, I think it's something in the water..."
You have to keep your sense of humor.
I have four (so far) and we attract lots of comments, they are almost always positive. But the attention does make me nervous that someone will say something mean in front of my children. I don't know why people would say such thoughtless comments I have read in this thread. Some are jealous, some worry about overpopulation, and fortunately concerning the population, they can safely leave that in God's hands where it belongs.