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"Don't have any more kids, please!" - Page 5

post #81 of 234

As a mom of one boy and one girl, I did like having another to confuse the camp who believes that already having two children of the same gender is the only acceptable reason to have a 3rd.

 

Miss Manners says the appropriate response to any of these questions is, "Why would you ask such a personal question?".  But I kind of like just telling the whole, warts-and-all truth. 

 

Best response to "When are you going to have another one?" (or "When are you going to have kids?") I ever heard was from a co-worker: "Two years after the last person asks us that question, and YOU just reset the clock."

 

It IS an interesting topic of conversation, so I get why people ask.  (I don't get why people feel the need to comment, however -- I guess it's the same impulse as the grocery store clerk telling me to "Never give in to tantrums" when I was 8 months pregnant with #1.)  I sometimes ask someone if others are bugging them about getting pregnant (if they don't have kids) or having another one (if they have a 2- or 3yo),.  I feel like this gives them more options as far as what/how much to share, but maybe this is also a rude question? 

post #82 of 234
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post

I don't know why perfect strangers feel the need to make these sorts of comments. If you only have 1 kid, people are always asking when you're going to have more (because one can't possibly be enough). But 4 is "too many"? What's the perfect number for drawing no comments...2?




Yes, and they need to be a boy and a girl and exactly 2.5 years apart.


Yeah that.

 

I have a 2 y.o. boy and a brand spankin' new daughter and the first thing out of most people's mouths is "A boy and a girl, you're so lucky."

 

I *am* lucky - not because I won the gender lottery, but because I have 2 happy, healthy rockin' kids. Both were preemies brought on by preeclampsia, and because of this, we aren't having any additional kiddos. However, I still resent the implied meaning that *because* we have a boy and a girl, we shouldn't have any more... it's still my decision.

post #83 of 234
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Edited by member234098 - 6/10/12 at 4:20pm
post #84 of 234

The gall of the guy!  That's incredible.

post #85 of 234

My husband is one of five, and I am one of three.  When we married, we decided on four kids.  I had three beautiful girls, followed by a little boy (now 8).  My own father had the gall to tell me that he certainly hoped I was done having children (and this, after my third little girl).  I told him that was not his decision to make.  I think he was worried that since my husband was a practicing Catholic, I'd be popping kids out indefinitely, lol!  (Ours are close together.)  Everyone assumed we stopped because we'd *finally* had a boy.  No, we're done because we'd decided enough was enough!  I'm certainly very happy to have both genders represented, but I was not going to keep on having kids until I finally got the boy!  I think people just talk to make conversation, without thinking about how gauche they really are.

 

Occasionally, I worry about how my daughters take these crude remarks, especially the third one, but I try to make sure to let them know that I love having my three girls!

post #86 of 234
Z .
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post

I don't know why perfect strangers feel the need to make these sorts of comments. If you only have 1 kid, people are always asking when you're going to have more (because one can't possibly be enough). But 4 is "too many"? What's the perfect number for drawing no comments...2?


Yes, and they need to be a boy and a girl and exactly 2.5 years apart.

Ya, I only have 2 right now and I get comments every once in a while like "oh, two girls? Too bad one of them wasn't a boy. Then you could be done having kids." THAT comment hits me harder than the "why would you want more?" comments. We are adopting so the comments are a little different, still hurtful though.
post #87 of 234

I just had our third child on March 17.  While I was in labor, my mother was asking me if I was going to get my tubes tied.  It drives me crazy.  She is so much against us having anymore and I am not sure why.  We don't ask her to babysit, she doesn't support us financially, and we never ask her for anything.  She hates that I am a SAHM.  It is like that is not good enough for her.  Then, to make matters worse, my grandfather told my other aunt to talk to me about not having anymore.  My aunt told him that it wasn't anybody's business but mine and my husband's if we had anymore because I am the one who takes care of my kids.  We are planning on having more and honestly, it makes me want to move away before I get pregnant again. 

post #88 of 234

So many crazy people out there!!

 

We used to be asked all the time when we would have another. First it hurt, then it hurt more, then... well.... You get the point. Now that dd has turned 6, people don't ask anymore. Instead, many seem to put us in the category of "too selfish to have another one" or something crazy like that. I feel like we should dress and treat our dd worse than average, because anything else means she is spoiled and the reason we don't have more children. Considering that we always wanted a large family, the comments and looks hurt terribly. It is made worse by the fact that dd has asked God for a sibling ever since she was 2.  Then again, I think at this point I would rather take the attitude that seems to say "I have her all figured out" than the questions, as I might really start to cry hard. While there is nothing wrong with tears, this matter is too personal to want to share that way with half strangers.

 

It is actually interesting how many people know that infertility exists but think that having one or more means you will be able to have as many as you would like. These rude questions are good examples of that: Instead of asking how many children someone would like, the question is often how many are you going to have, or planning to have, or something like that. Yet, a huge % of pregnancies are unplanned and then there are the many that never happen, even when much hoped for.

post #89 of 234

Oh Man, how RUDE. When I told my boss at the time I was pregnant with my second (two years after my first) his response was "AGAIN!?!". My response was "yes, we never planned to have an only child" I was just taken back at his level of unprofessionalism and rudeness. 

 

I started reading this because I was interested what people say back. I really want to have a third but may not be able to for medical reasons. However, I have people comment all the time that I must be done since I have "a perfect family" one boy and one girl. I never know how to respond. I usually say something  about wanting one more but we'll see what happens. It always rubs me the wrong way though as if they are telling me i need to stop at 2. I mean they are so beautiful, how could you not want more.

post #90 of 234

Im expecting my 7th and I look really young, so I get a lot of seemingly rude comments.

 

What I have realized over the years is that:
1.) People don't realize they are unoriginal and are not the first ones to ask these questions.

2.) The questions or comments aren't really that funny or witty to begin with.

3) Sometimes people are genuinely unable to wrap their brains around the concept of having a handful of kiddos, usually because of the brainwashing our media does to downplay parenting, marriage and pregnancy/childbirth in GENERAL and/or due to their own poor experiences with other parents who don't do a very good job at disciplining properly.

 

Some of the more common feedback I get from strangers is:

  • "Don't you own a TV?"
  • "Have you figured out how that happens, yet?"
  • "These can't ALL be yours...."
  • "How do you DO it?"
  • "Are they all from the same dad?"
  • "Are you even old enough to have 1?"
  • "Are you done yet?"

 

What a lot of people don't realize is that what really is of poor-taste and is rude, coming from a complete stranger- is typical conversation on sitcoms. People really are training themselves that these things are funny, witty and acceptable to joke around with a complete stranger on and don't realize how tacky it is. You can almost see them waiting for the audience laughter at the end.
 

This is one reason I have patience for it most of the time. They just really are naive. I usually have an equally or better witty comeback to offset it, but more than anything I feel it's MY JOB to help educate these people that having a large family can be fun, enjoyable, fulfilling, and that it can almost extend your youth, even more. Pregnancy doesn't have to be the worst time of your life. You can actually look forward to your births, you can even enjoy parenting your kids and feel like you would enjoy more in the future.

Also, kids DONT have to be out of control maniacs. I can take my kids out to the store with me or out to eat. They aren't on a rampage, in other people's physical or audible space, neither are they perfect with flat smooth braids on either side of their heads walking in single file order with blank stares. They're giggling, making jokes about things, asking questions, figuring out things on their own, having conversations and there have been MANY times that a typical conversation between my kids and I grocery shopping have brought about spontanious laughter from aisles on the other sides of us. We are more or less a conundrum to the general public who is trained that large families are pure uncontained chaos.

 

The one thing I struggle with the most- isn't the public comments. It's the family judgements. My family does not understand how I do not feel 'done' yet and breaking the news-yet again- that I am pregnant is TEDIOUS. It's worse than birth. I have joked around many times that I will notify my family when the baby is born that I was expecting another, hahaha!

"But... don't you feel DONE yet, Jyn? WHY do you feel like you have to have another? Isn't (current number of the year) enough for you???"

This reaction has NOTHING to do with our ability to provide or our parenting skills and have everything to do with worldy standards that people hold themselves to. The financial responsibility of putting them through college, of paying for weddings, of this of that... it's unrealistic to us and we're happy without those expectations.

My kids do not need to all be in ballet, horseback riding and violin lessons every year to be well rounded. They do not need to have their whole college tuition payed for by mom and dad completely in order to be functional smart human beings. We do not need to provide them with 4-5 expensive Christmas presents every year to be satisfied individuals and sometimes the family can treat us like they have to make up for that themselves because we dont budget for it.

It's taken quite a bit for myself, personally, to get to the point where I can blow off their opinions as unimportant in our decision making, and just follow what OUR family is comfortable with. My husband is very very happy with our family and open to having as many as God blesses us with, as am I. We arent on a binge to beat the Duggars or have as MANY KIDS as possible before my fertility wears out. We just follow what feels natural and good for us, and we are a well rounded happy family. This doesn't mean that since I am having seven kids I expect EVERYONE to have seven kids- but I think that people need to be open to allowing others to have that pleasure in what is good.

I think each individual needs to search themselves and figure out what they really want. Other people outside our immediate family (husband's wives, etc) ARE outsiders, and as much as we can respect their opinion- we have the right to disagree and reject it because ultimately it is our choice as we decide the paths of our own family, to do what feels best for us.


Do remember that as you walk around and correspond with people, large family or not- you are helping other people form an opinion on large vs small families. Even with what little interaction you have, what contribution are you putting out- even if you initially are getting negative feedback? If your words were to resonate in the minds of everyone you talked to about childrearing and childbearing- what sort of imprint would you be making?

post #91 of 234

yeahthat.gif

post #92 of 234

I know this is on a tangent, and I would still NEVER say anything in person with regards to it, but I admit to passing some judgement on mamas who have children to the point of threatening their own health. I have only known two that I'm aware of. I dated a guy in high school who was one of six, and his mother was told after the fourth (in which case she had her first c-section) that something was not right in there and she shouldn't have any more. During the sixth birth, she nearly bled to death and had to have an emergency hysterectomy.

 

I know another woman presently who has six (but nine pregnancies), and her body is pretty destroyed, and she is only 31 or 32. She has severe hyperemesis with each pregnancy, loses a ton of weight and has to take medication that knocks her out for much of the day. She also has some other health condition that doesn't mesh well with pregnancy. Her hair is already 90% gray and her teeth look terrible. I just don't understand why she can't be happy with what she has...??? It almost seems like a case of hoarding, but children instead of belongings. Hers is not a healthy situation. Six living children need a healthy, functioning mother.

post #93 of 234

Well, I know that my body is tired I have a separated pubic bone and I just turned 34. I do my best to stay healthy though, and I know that conventional medicine doesn't ALWAYS know best. That one LAST child is probably a HUGE blessing to the woman though, Im sure!

 

Again, it depends on the person. There is that 65 yr old grandmother who who wanted more sold everything to get pregnant in FRANCE and ended up being the oldest woman to give birth in recorded history. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I believe God can give us fertility and He can take it away. I just pray that HE gives me the resolve to 'feel' done before He takes mine away. :)

 

post #94 of 234

This Christmas I had just found out that I was expecting my second.  I was going to share the news as we gathered with the family, until my Aunt looked at me and said, "Oh, you look so good!  I'm so glad you're not pregnant again yet!"  Needless to say, the news was not shared that night.  My first was 10 months when I got pregnant, and a lot of the negative comments seem to be about getting pregnant again so soon.  My grandmother had 13 children, so I have a hard time understanding why people tell me I should be done after this one.  Even my own mom tells me to be done!  I am married.  I have a bachelor's degree.  I am not on public assistance.  My babies are and will be dearly loved.  So it irks me that people, especially my own mother, make these comments like it's a burden to them!  I understand about overpopulation, but frankly I don't see many of these people doing their part to conserve resources, and that could do just as much to stretch the world's supportive capabilities as cutting back human fertility.

post #95 of 234
I figured out why I am so annoyed this time around-- I'm getting the stupid big family questions AND the stupid twin questions. It's a double whammy.

BTW, my favorite answer to "How did that happen?" or "Don't you know what causes that?" is to explain in painstaking detail. It shut my grandma right up.
post #96 of 234

Yep, I've heard them all. And it's annoying. I have 5 children. They are fairly spaced out, my eldest is 19 and my youngest is 2.

I really want one last baby, and sadly lost a baby at christmas time. I'm hoping to fall pregnant soon, because I am getting old and worry that my fertility will be gone soon.

 

I've had all the rude comments over the years, but I think it may have been worst when I was expecting my 4th. People were so rude. 8 years later I had my 5th and i think that people were so surprised they said very little.

Recently we were at a party and one of my husband's colleagues said something derrogatory about our large family. He's always making inappropriate comments so I replied:,"Actually we like to have sex all the time. We are at it like rabbits, that's probably why we keep having kids". That shut him up.

 

What has hurt the most is that family feel they have the right to tell us how many children to have, especially as they are very unhelpful, and don't see my children all that often.

 

When my DH and I were planning our third child, he confided in his mother. She tried to talk him out of it! She said , "are you sure? Isn't two enough?do you really want to burden yourselves with another child?" I found it so hurtful, and to be honest, I've not liked her ever since that comment (and because she has so little time for her grandchildren who are wonderful people). My parents are no better. I have realized over the years that family says these things because it is really their own agenda :  They are quite selfish and don't want to spend the "required grandparent" time with my kids. I think they got over it, because they don't spend the time.

 

At christmas time we were talking about my DS and I said something about how I'd happily have another so he could have a sibling close in age. Dh's sister's response was "Oh My God! Are you mad?Would you really like another?" I was taken aback by her comment, so I just said, "Yes.In a heartbeat", and walked away. Why would it concern her? All my children are happy, balanced human beings who are contributing , and will contribute to make this world a better place. How on earth can that be a bad thing? She's never babysat for me, not really spent much time with our children, and when she has she has enjoyed them. So why the comment? I think, again, it is all about her personal agenda. She had a pidgeon pair, boy and girl, and was done.Obviously I am not her.

 

It is crazy that people feel they have the right to make these comments. It is rude, and even if they think these things, why don't they just keep it to themselves?

 

 

post #97 of 234
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post

BTW, my favorite answer to "How did that happen?" or "Don't you know what causes that?" is to explain in painstaking detail. It shut my grandma right up.


I usually say, "Yeah! You have to spit OUT the watermellon seeds, right....?"
Either that or you can say, "No!!! How....?" And just wait.

post #98 of 234
Quote:
Originally Posted by mt_gooseberry View Post

This Christmas I had just found out that I was expecting my second.  I was going to share the news as we gathered with the family, until my Aunt looked at me and said, "Oh, you look so good!  I'm so glad you're not pregnant again yet!"  Needless to say, the news was not shared that night.  My first was 10 months when I got pregnant, and a lot of the negative comments seem to be about getting pregnant again so soon.  My grandmother had 13 children, so I have a hard time understanding why people tell me I should be done after this one.  Even my own mom tells me to be done!  I am married.  I have a bachelor's degree.  I am not on public assistance.  My babies are and will be dearly loved.  So it irks me that people, especially my own mother, make these comments like it's a burden to them!  I understand about overpopulation, but frankly I don't see many of these people doing their part to conserve resources, and that could do just as much to stretch the world's supportive capabilities as cutting back human fertility.


I have those issues too. When Abbie was 2 and Gracie was 1 and I had JUST miscarried my third (11 yrs ago) , we were really struggling. My husband had been living out of our jeep in Montana doing freelance design work (he had been layed off from his job and- pregnant, I had moved the girls and myself to Chicago only to miscarry a week or so after) and I was living with my grandmother who had a 4 bedrooom house to herself since my grandfather had passed away a few years earlier. When my husband was finally able to get the money to join us in Chicago, it was great to have our family together again. For our anniversary we were able to get out, but on our way out the door my grandma said, "Now don't go getting pregnant again, now.....".

 

It was humiliating because we were a FAMILY. We didnt do anything to cause the issue we were in. I didnt cause my miscarriage- he didnt get fired from his well paying advertising job, either. But I still felt as though my family looked at us as ignorant incapable irresponsible adults just having kids left and right without the means to provide. Sometimes we have to take into consideration the age gaps too, of the people we are talking to. If you talked to someone who is in their 70's or 80's they would probably smile and bless you for having a large family. It's what they knew and it was normal to them. Someone who is in their mid to late 50's would be a different story.

No offense, but it was a pretty selfish generation. It wasnt popular to go off and have a lot of kids because they enjoyed it as much as they had one or two and concentrated on careers and centered on making themselves happy.

 

I think it's a wash nowdays as I see more and more people just letting what they want take lead instead of allowing culture and family run their lives- but it's still everywhere.

 

post #99 of 234

When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I had people tell me they hoped I was having a girl so I could be done then.  Well ummm...even if he was a girl, it didn't automatically mean we were stopping at two.  My DH's sister acts like anyone who has more than two kids is insane.  I have yet to tell her I plan on 4.

 

Then as soon as I popped out my 2nd, people were on both sides of the fence.  Some were right away asking when I was going to have a third, and others, like my sister told me I couldn't have any more until I moved (we live in a 2 BR townhouse).  Well thanks, sis, but thats not really for you to decide.  We are currently underwater with our home, but I've already told my DH that not being able to move is not going to stop me from having a third.  We will just be a little cramped for a while.  And thats okay with us.


Edited by Greenlea - 3/31/11 at 12:00pm
post #100 of 234

Since annoncing my pregnancy (#5) I have found that I can only say postive things about my kids. For instance the other night I vented because my 2 year old flooded the bathroom then painted himself with chocolate almond butter while I was cleaning the bathroom and 2 people said "and you wanted another kid? Why?".  I replied that I enjoy the excitment in my life an wouldn't trade it for the world  :)

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