I filed for sole custody today and I am so sad

[InsideOut]

I wanted to start by thanking all of those who have responded to my always confusing, and all over the place threads.

Today I filed for sole custody and I am so sad about it. I feel awful for doing this to DX. We've been physically separated for a few weeks now and filing for custody makes everything feel so final. My dreams of us working out are no longer, my dreams of our family of 3 gone too. I know he will always be a part of our lives (DS' life, really) but I never wanted things to turn out this way.

He's been abusive, unsupportive, jealous, insecure, controlling and threatening but that is not who he is. I know that we need to go our separate ways because the cycle of abuse will not continue with DS but I wish DX could have changed, I wish he could see that he needs to change and that he needs help and that happiness comes from within.

I thought I would be relieved once I filed as he and his mother have been threatening me with custody and grandparents rights and all types of nonsense when they see DS anytime they've asked... Just not on their terms, at their homes, without me there (for very good reasons).

I think I've done the right thing. I don't know when I'll feel like I know that I did. I still have to have the papers served. I don't feel like I can right now..

Thanks for letting me share.

[goodmomma76]

I know EXACTLY where you are.  Exactly.  I am in the same boat.  Waiting for him to get served. The only differences are that my soon to be X won't leave my home until court ordered to do so.  And I don't have his family down my throat...yet...because he hasn't told them.  I'm not sure how they will react.  I know some of them have said things to him about his behavior so maybe...wishful thinking here...

No real advice...just wanted to commiserate...

[clovergirl33]

I can understand your emotional state as well. My husband just moved out 3 weeks ago of about 2 years of misery, turmoil and back and forth. (we have been together for 16). I have held on to the wish for so long that he would get his sh*t together and do the right thing. How could he not? But he has not risen to the occasion. Mine isn't generally abusive but he's a complete deadbeat. i haven't filed and papers yet, but I am going to see a lawyer next week... Part of me wishes he would beg to come back, but I know it's not the right thing. Very conflicting.

[blessingscome]

You're grieving. You're grieving what could have been, what should have been, the reality of what is, the death of your hopes and dreams as well as the death of the picture of the man that you thought your partner was. You're also grieving that you even had to take this step.  It'd be so much nicer if the other spouse would be reasonable and now you wonder if you're actually being the unreasonable one (even while you know you're not).   It's a hard place to be... btdt.  :hugs (the editor isn't letting me put in paragraphs)

[*MamaJen*]

It's hard, it's super hard. But you are doing the right thing. Repeat that to yourself over and over. You are doing the right thing.

I was in an abusive relationship, though fortunately we didn't have kids together. It took me a long time to realize this, but once I did, it helped me immensely: the abuse isn't something he does. It's the person that he is. You can't change him, and it would take a superhuman effort for him to change himself. Abusers can theoretically change, but they almost never do. That's because to change, they would have to accept that what they are doing is wrong, and they have to want to change. And due to some particular kink in their brains, abusers are often unable to accept that responsibility for their own actions.

All you can do is leave, and try to protect your baby. And that's what you're doing. It's the right thing.

Also, abusers usually try to derail you from leaving, so be prepared for him to not make it easy on you to leave. If he starts swearing that he's changed, take that with about a million grains of salt.

[cisonit]

I'm a lurker and joined for support with grieving but I really thought I was reading my own post just now. My children's father is simply unbalanced but for some reason I cried very hard when I went to battle for sole custody coupled with supervised visits. I just hated that we could not end amicably and I felt so bad for my twin boys(now 15 months old). In addition, I felt like I failed as a Mother for choosing someone who not only mistreats me but the children. I'm sure you can relate and it is totally normal to be emotional about this.

PM me if I can be of any assistance.

[InsideOut]

Thanks so much for the replies.

I've just posted an update in another thread but I wanted to say that I had an afternoon yesterday that put everything in to perspective and really allowed me to see my X for who he is. My guilt over initiating the split and "tearing our family apart" are gone, as well as my hopes for making it work. This split has been in the making for at least a couple of years now and I finally feel like I have done the right thing and like I don't have any regrets.

The last time I posted in this thread I said I didn't know when I would feel like I've done the right thing. I now know I have done the right thing. I wrote that I didn't feel like I could have X served - I now can't wait to get it over and done with. A weight's been lifted.

cisonit - on what grounds were you able to apply for supervised visitation? Would you rather I pm you?

And really, all of your posts were so helpful. I love this forum, you all have helped me think through so many things and start thinking in ways that I hadn't previously.

[provocativa]

So glad that you have reached that turning point.  I was able to get supervised visitation (temporary) based on alcohol, and he agreed to anger management counseling without us even having to go in front of the judge.  I guess he was scared of all that coming up.  For myself, I am TERRIFIED of my girls having unsupervised visitation with him in the future.  Emotional and verbal abuse and witnessing alcoholism takes a huge toll on children and I do not believe at all that abuse of a partner is separate from abuse of the children.  My X is behaving okay now- but he is still drinking- but it is my belief that he will backslide and be even more abusive to the kids without me around to protect them.  Hopefully our judge will see it the same way, and also hopefully he is not on here reading my posts.

[cisonit]

InsideOut- I don't mind sharing. In my case there was a history of domestic violence but that was still not enough to get the visits supervised so I had witnesses write statements in regards to what they seen from my ex in regards to parenting. For example, he forgot to feed the kids on one occasion. The judge then set visitation to be for short spurts of time(4-5 hours once a week) with my Mother dropping them off and picking them up at the McDonalds but my ex never showed because he was more enamored with coming to my home unannounced. The judge then ruled that he had no visitation and if he wanted visitation it would be supervised.

The best advice I got was from the court house clerk was to meet for a consultation with a good family law attorney. I didn't use the attorney because I am poor but he did tell me step by step within that hour consultation(for a hundred bucks) what to do.

Hope this helps...

[InsideOut]

I need to find the time to research "good" family lawyers. I can't afford one either but could definitely use a consult. There is a history of domestic abuse in my case too. I only called the police once though, when I was 6 months pregnant, but I did not want him charged, I just wanted them to take him out of the house.

The lawyer at the courthouse where I filed the papers advised me to make my custody application as basic as possible to avoid delays. So I did not mention any of the issues that I've experienced with X in the hopes that I will be granted sole custody based on the fact that I'm DS primary caregiver and he's breastfed. Getting so stressed...

[cisonit]

Not sure about your jurisdiction/State but usually the courts usually won't go straight to sole custody unless it's in the best interest of the child(I was breastfeeding too when they gave my ex 20% visitation). I had a restraining order on file with my ex being arrested for dv but they still allowed unsupervised visits. I was pissed...if your ex has a history of drug abuse I would throw in a request for him to be drug tested and in my State the courts won't make a decision without both parties going to mediation...my ex did not even bother to show so by then the court was fed up with him. The good thing is you'll be able to submit statements/evidence to the mediator who really sways the judges decision.

The consult was worth it for me but I had a friend who went through a probono legal service to get advice so this may be available too...