3yr old agressive with only a specific child

[Bugglette]

I am a SAHM to DS (01/08), but I also watch a few kids to help bring $$ in to the household.  I watch a boy  big A (08/08) and his sister lil A (03/10).  M-F 7-6.  I also watch another boy, K (06/07) occasionally, and the children of a friend of mine even less, V (10/07) and S (12/10).

DS is very good with sharing his toys with everyone, except big A.  I don't know if it's because he has to 'deal' with him the most, or if it is because big A is pretty passive aggressive (he will sit on DS's fav cars, while DS is not looking, or he will hide DS's fav toys, etc).  Big A is also the only one in this group that is passive in any way...all the others are more assertive towards DS, not aggressive, but assertive...and they all play very well with DS.  DS doesn't even seem to have issues with the fact that I need to spend a lot of time holding/playing with little A.

Anyway, I am constantly having to tell DS not to hit, push, kick or BITE big A.  The majority of the time, he does it when I'm not looking.  I will just hear big A cry, and when I ask DS what happened he always tells me what he did.  The only other time we had a similar issue was in Aug '10 when my sister visited with her son, L (03/08). L is very passive, and we occasionally caught DS pushing L or pulling his hair.  However, we just got back from a trip to visit them in NY and DS couldn't have been nicer or more respectful to L and had no problems sharing L's toys or his own that we brought from home.

We use talk and time outs...where I have him come to me and we talk about what he did and why it was bad, then he sits in 'time out' for 3mins to think and calm down.  When time out is over he hugs me and says sorry, then he goes to hug big A (or whomever he wronged) and apologizes to him.  I feel like we're dealing with the same things over and over and that my discipline strategy is not working.  Just last night, he drew all over the play table when he was coloring on paper with K.  I had him help me clean it up and I tried a new strategy, which I got from the Duggars.  Where you give them a phrase to repeat 20 times.  So I told him, that we want to keep our things nice and we shouldn't draw on the table.  I asked him if he knew what I said, and he said "don't draw on the table,"  and I had him repeat it 20 times.  I know that if we're going to change how we do things, that I need to pick a method and stick with it.....

Another thing, is that I feel myself becoming a little resentful of big A, because he is the only one that continually draws this behavior out of DS...and I DO NOT want to be feeling that way because it is not big A's fault.  I'm just frustrated and I miss the sweet little boy that I only ever see on weekends anymore, everyday that big A and DS are together is a struggle.

Sorry, this turned out longer than I expected, and I'm not even sure what kind of response I'm looking for.

Thanks for letting me vent

[mary934]

Hi,

Maybe try to focus on understanding your kid's concerns , without being judgmental . Take each situation with all its detail , have some tentative suggestions of what his concerns could be and then try to figure with him how to meet address these concerns in an appriate way. He may be lacking cetain coping skills and this expresses itself when demands placed on him outstrip his skills

talking does not help because we do the talking. He needs to do the talking - what's bothering him , what's up etc . if he is not so verbal , we can use pictures etc

Once you have come up with a solution and procedures we can do some role play etc

Not easy

[Marsupialmom]

When my son was 3 we had a issue with him hitting just one kid, my 3 year old nephew.  My son was going to different day cares and had no problem and early ed programs.  After watching the situation closely we realize, as wrong as it was for my son to hit my nephew could not and would not share.  My son was asking and trying to negotiate, my nephew needed a lessons in sharing.  Once we cured my nephew sharing issue did it improve. 

You will need to watch the boys closely.  If your son just takes the toys you need to jump in and model the behaviors you want from both the boys.  You have to teach them the words. I would guess at 3 there is language issues and negotiation issues.  You might have to use timers and help the kids negotiate.  This takes A LOT attention.  

[Shannie77]

My DD is also not aggressive... but with our neighbour she can be.  Granted neighbour girl will bite and scratch my DD basically every time they play.  The only success I have had is to watch them very carefully and when I sense an escalation I step in and help them work it out.  It sounds like Big A just rubs your LO the wrong way. :P  Another thought... with DD1 sometimes she will get really frustrated with DD2 and try to move her etc.  I finally just said "DD1 if DD2 is bugging you just come tell me and I will help".  Now she will call for me before taking any action on her own. 

[syn_ack89]

Maybe just something as simple as taking DS' fav cars and toys and putting them where big A can't get to them? Your DS is having to share his house and mommy so maybe he'd do better if he didn't have to share his fav toys?

[Bugglette]

Thank you for all of the responses!  I do try to get DS to use his words; I tell him to ask A nicely ("A, may I have that ___ please?") if he wants the toy A has, and he always will...AFTER I remind him.  He doesn't need to be reminded of that with his other friends.  When I first started watching other kids, we kept all of his Hotwheels in his room upstairs because I knew that they were his favorite and that he'd have a hard time sharing.  However, he was asking me to bring them in to the playroom every day.  Now, I make sure he knows that he can put any toys he doesn't want to share in to his room and that he is free to go in there and play whenever he wants, which he rarely ever does.  I've made a rule for the other kids that they can only go in DS's room if DS invite them.

I'll have to observe them closely for a while (hard with a crawling/climbing LO, lol) to see if there is anything as far as big A's behavior, that can be changed and to head of small instances before they become large fights.

Thank you again, all of you, for your help!!

I'm already in love with these boards 

[mamanicki]

If it's only one child, there is probably something toxic about that relationship. It may not seem that way to you and you may never be able to pinpoint it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist, right? Passive-aggression can be more off-putting and hard to handle than plain ole aggression.

I am of the belief that if there is a negative type of relationship that you just can't work through, we owe it to our kids to try to eliminate that relationship. We would do the same if there was a toxic relationship in our own lives. We've all had that friend who just really brings out the worst in you and makes you say or feel or act ways that aren't true to your nature at all. This is the toddler version. We want to teach our kids how to deal with difficult people but there also comes a point where the best way to deal with a difficult person is to get them out of your life. 

Resentment isn't good. It sounds like you are doing a lot of work with your son but what are you doing with Big A to get him to change this negative cycle? Can you point out (and even orchestrate) positive exchanges between them? Minimize areas where you know there are opportunities for Big A to bug your son or your son to retaliate? What about focusing on cooperative games where they have to really work together to accomplish goals? If you continue to feel resentful, can you look for a different family to watch with kids that might gel better with your own?

[LynnS6]

I'd also point out that the kids he has the most 'trouble' with are kids who are closer to him in age. It could be that he's less able to negotiate the relationship with them.

The mantra of every preschool teacher is "Use you words..." Even kids who are very good with words need reminders to use their words, especially when they're upset or irritated.

Can you find some 'special time' for your ds each day when the other boy isn't around (or is napping)? Can you find different things for them to do? Spring is here, and getting everyone outside for a walk and some good large motor time might cure a lot of ills as well.