Sister snubbing my children, not working for her - Page 2

[AllisonR]

I feel really sorry for your sister. Sounds like she had a harsh, unhealthy upbringing, and does not have the skills to learn better. However, you can't change people. You could tell her the horrid side-effects of her behavior on her children. But if she is not in a good place, she may not be ready, willing or able to really hear you. Instead she will get angry, go into denial, or create some drama because of what you say.

You have to think of your kids first. So I'd keep your kids away from her kids, certainly not be disappointed they were not invited, it would only be a hurtful, unhealthy experience if they were invited. And any conversations until then get directed to the been dip. It may take a while, but eventually your sister will get the idea, and have to find someone else to share her hurtful drama with. Sometime in the future if your sister is willing to listen, you could gently start to offer some advice. But in the meantime, been dip....

You and your sister sound like you are 180 degrees apart, and it will be hard to find common ground to even open up such a discussion. 

[~Boudicca~]

Honestly, your sis sounds like the most irritating person on the planet and if I were you I don't think I could deal with having a relationship with her let alone try to get our kids to hang out.  Blech.

[matte]

It sounds like you've been through a lot with your family, and that there are probably untold things here: things from when you were younger. I think it's great that you want your girls to have good relationships with their cousins, but it also sounds like it might not be possible. If I were you I would stop putting up with your sister and her bad behavior, it sounds like she wants to keep you trying for her attention. Hard as it is, I think you should stop. 

[Rik-E]

Pretty much what Annie said. We do have relatives that treat my children unfairly compared to thier cousins & we rarely have any interaction with them because of it.
 

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

Oh my gosh, that is horrible! Can you adopt your nieces? I'm only half-joking.

Yes, I would lay it out for her, that she is creating shallow, neurotic, mean little girls -- just like their mother. Maybe she won't talk to you anymore, but she won't let you come around anyway, at least not with your daughter. The only thing that bothers me with that is that your nieces might not have your stabilizing influence anymore. 

I really didn't think this happened in the real world either, although I have heard of it. And what with the slough of "fantastic" female role models, like the latest Housewives of Wherever, I guess I'm not completely surprised. 

[Cyllya]

Oh, jeez. OP, please tell me this topic is an elaborate joke. Please tell me the person you're describing doesn't really exist. 

I mean... it's just so many layers of stupid!!! She apparently doesn't even know what "popular" means!
 

Originally Posted by velochic 

Honestly, though, do you really *want* your daughters hanging around girls that are being brought up like that?  Because if dd had someone at school who acted like that, I would talk to her about avoiding such people.  I would definitely not have a friend like that.  I don't think the axiom, "You can choose your friends, but not your family" is true.  You can choose to not interact with her.  I think it's important for everyone, not just kids, to surround themselves with quality people who are positive forces in their lives.  This sister and her daughters sound like horrible negative influences that should be avoided!  I'm just not sure why you'd want to even have your daughters hang out with them.  TBH, I don't have a good relationship with my siblings and the reason is similar to your situation, but with the same root cause... their selfishness and self-centeredness.  I don't let them or their kids (or grandkids) be integral parts of our lives because they consistently model behaviors that are diametrically opposed to our values.  I'd cut her off for the most part and deal with her with a good dose of brevity when you are forced to be together at family events.  She sounds toxic!

The older niece sounds swell. No reason to deliberately cut her out.
 

[Ldavis24]

OP, I don't mean this as a joke, I really had no idea there were people like this in the world. That....I don't even know the word. I grew up in a really rural farming area and popularity,makeup etc were really not on a lot of girl's minds...I feel so bad for your niece, it will be nothing but life long problems or she will rebel against her mom at some point and cut the woman out of her life.

[carepear]

I'm sorry, I didn't read all of the replies but I'm pretty sure I would do one of two things depending on my state of mind at the next incident.  I would either 1. tell her off or 2. punch her in the face.   Not really but in all seriousness that is some messed up behavior and it saddens me that she is doing this to your neice.  If she hadn't moved her around in hopes to make her popuar she would probably have a very stable friend set right now.  I would sit down and very seriously tell her what she is doing to her daughter.  If she hates you for it then that is something you will have to live with.  And if anyone snubbed MY kid, especially family, well....I guess maybe I would punch them in the face.

[contactmaya]

Your sister needs a therapist quick smart.  

[Lisa1970]

Aside from the constant switching of schools, what my sister is doing is not that uncommon here. We are in the Dallas, TX area. None of my friends have their little girls in the cheer stuff. But seeing those little cheerleaders covered in tons of make up, especially eye makeup, is not that uncommon. There was a cheer competition here, not this suburb but a different one, last weekend and so there were groups of little girls dressed in showy cheer outfits and tons of makeup. I, personally, do not know anyone who has their little girls doing those things, but I do see it a lot around here. And the dating...I do not know anyone who does that either at that age either. I do hang out with different types of people from my sister. But as far as the groups that like to dress their little girls up in tons of makeup and have their dress in showy cheer outfits and dance inappropriate dances, very common here with the little cheer groups. The cell phones in grade school, that sort of thing. But the dating at 10 yrs old I found shocking and the frequent switching of schools and the omitting of cousins from things because they are not popular enough, that is stuff I have never seen.
 

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

OP, I don't mean this as a joke, I really had no idea there were people like this in the world. That....I don't even know the word. I grew up in a really rural farming area and popularity,makeup etc were really not on a lot of girl's minds...I feel so bad for your niece, it will be nothing but life long problems or she will rebel against her mom at some point and cut the woman out of her life.

[Cascadian]

OP, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. It sure reinforces your own values, tho, eh?

I'd do two things. I'd diminish contact with her because she is TOXIC, and there is shrapnel from that tornado of crazy that will bonk you or your kids on the head.  Not fair for your own daughter to be excluded because she is not 'popular'. That's....UAV. What's that doing to YOUR child?!?!?

Secondly, I would leave the door open for your nieces. It seems as though you could become an incredibly important person in their lives. Chances are....they'll need you at some point.

Good luck.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by Cascadian 

Secondly, I would leave the door open for your nieces. It seems as though you could become an incredibly important person in their lives. Chances are....they'll need you at some point.

Good luck.

I agree with this!  If your nieces are able to spend time with your own family maybe they would have a chance to see how it feels to be accepted for who they are. It sounds like both girls are under tremendous pressure to live up to their mother's high hopes of "popularity".  From what you've written I feel really bad for them.

[gbailey]

Agree 100% with this post.

 

Originally Posted by TiredX2 

That's a horrible situation and my heart breaks for your nieces, but...

You have to put your own kids first.  I'd spell it out clearly to your sister "You are being hurtful to your family.  I feel like you think my children are not good enough to hang out with your children.  I will not allow you to treat them in this way.  Either change, or we will not have contact with you."  And hold her to it.  It is just not okay for your kids to be getting these messages about themselves all the time.

[peainthepod]

My heart aches for your nieces. Their mother sounds mentally ill and she is most definitely toxic. It's hard to overstate the damage she's doing to those girls. 

Your children are also being damaged by this relationship. Family is supposed to treat you better than some stranger off the street, not worse. I would firmly encourage your sister to seek professional help and limit or even sever contact until she shows a concerted effort to change her behavior. But do leave a door open for your nieces. They'll need a stable and loving influence in their lives. I've read that often the only thing keeping an abused child from becoming personality disordered is the influence of even one stable adult from an early age. You can be that adult without sacrificing your own children's health and happiness. Strong boundaries are a must, but you don't have to shut your nieces out too. Finding the balance will be hard but so, so worth it.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by peainthepod 

My heart aches for your nieces. Their mother sounds mentally ill and she is most definitely toxic. It's hard to overstate the damage she's doing to those girls.

I know this is an extreme comparison, but in a way it reminds me of that Texas cheerleader story from 20 years ago, where the mother of one cheerleader hired a hitman to kill the mother of another cheerleader in the hopes of gaining her daughter a spot on the squad. One case may be more extreme than the other, but both are examples of such warped thinking! 

[mattemma04]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

SO...next time my sister calls me, frustrated and complaining about older niece being rejected by the popular kids, or younger niece being stood up on a date, how would you handle it? Would I be out of line to just lay it out there that I do not approve of what she is doing so I cannot talk about it? I have tried to be nice about it for years, but I think the whole thing is sick and I am tired of her calling me about these things. BTW, my sister is married (but her dh is always off fishing or hunting with his buddies it seems) and she has a college degree and is a public school teacher. 

I would tell her that her parenting choices stink,and to not call me anymore.

Listening to it.Accepting it. Letting YOUR kids live it....all these things are not acceptable. It is OK to do nasty things like this,because *family* have to accept it. People often think *Family* will tolerate being treated like dirt. By not saying anything to your sister you are showing you are OK with it. Tell her what you REALLY think. She probably will not change her ways,but you will feel better and your kids will see something way better from your actions.

If your sister were mine I would have told her to never call me again after she told me my kid wasn't *popular* enough to attend her childs birthday party. Nope,wouldn't put up with that from anyone,but especially not family.

[SuburbanHippie]

*snip snip*  That's the sound of you cutting your ties to your sister.  She sounds like an absolute monster and you need your DDs to steer clear of her and her insanity-filled life.