8 year old not taking the idea of a new sibling well (and she's alraedy the oldest child of two ! )

[camprunner]

I have 5 year old and 8 year old girls. At first the 5 year old was upset and the 8 year old was thrilled. The 5 year old seems to be working her way through this (I'm 29 weeks).  She's attached herself to her father, worked on sleeping in her own bed some, watches birth videos with me and wants to be present at the birth.  Overall, I think she is progessing nicely.

My 8 year old was thrilled at first.  She went from not wanting to be present at all during the birth to thinking she might play outside during the birth or watch a movie to wanting to be there...but then we watched some videos again and said she didn't want to be home at all.  Ok fine. I found another place for her to go (which at this point may or may not work out).  In the middle of all this, we had an ultrasound which told us this is a boy. She'd always wanted a brother but cried when she found out (and they weren't tears of joy).  Everytime she expresses any negative feelings, she always associates having a brother with these feelings even if she is upset that we are fixing something for a meal that isn't her favorite. Her way of expressing negative feelings is getting more and more inappropriate (read temper tantrums!) and she used to be such a calm and responsible child.

I've tried to reassure her that we will still have the same love for all of them. I make sure that I encourage her to sit in my lap and give her hugs (and we aren't the huggiest family).  I've talked to her about her fears. She has mentioned a few things:

1. We made a comment at the ultrasound about the profile looks like her little sister and she's afraid the baby will act like her little sister (very high maintenance baby that did take attention from her).

2. She says boys burp, fart, and stink in general.

3. I had a miscarriage last spring and did become withdrawn for a few months while recovering physically and out of  confusion since I hadn't really known I was pregnant and had no support in dealing with those feelings. She's afraid it will happen again; being withdrawn that is.

To remedy#1 and  #3, I've made arrangements for my mom to come and help out and I do believe that between the 3 of us, dd will get plenty of attention. My mom tends to be down to earth when it comes to these things rather than being all over the baby.  My inlaws have also offered to take the girls to their house 4 hours away when my mom leaves and I'm going to take her up on it and I know they will be thrilled with that plan as well. They spent a couple of weeks with them in their lifetimes and enjoyed it.  That takes care of about two weeks and hopefully I'll be up and about more after that.

The more upset she gets about everything, the more upset and stressed I'm getting. I don't want her to be upset about anything but especially not about getting a new sibling.  I want this to be a happy time for all of us.  Did anyone else have trouble with an older sibling this old (and not an only child) adjusting to the idea of a sibling? 

[Kuba'sMama]

My kids are similar ages to yours. My oldest ds was not expressing being upset as much as your dd is, but he is very introverted and has problems expressing feelings in general (not necessarily a good thing). I am sure he was anxious and concerned about where he would fit into the family. I think for every child, no matter the age, change is difficult and this is a very big change. She might not even exactly realize what it is she is upset about, and that might make her even more anxious.

I talked with my kids prior to the birth of how the baby will change their lives (the good and bad!). Yes, she might cry. Yes, I will be more busy, especially at the beginning. Yes, I will need to hold her a lot. But also--- you can always come to me even if i'm holding the baby. I will always love all of you. I will make time to be just with you.

Also what helped was looking through their baby pics and talking about when they were babies. They loved hearing those stories over and over and it made them realize that they had this special attention too, that I was breastfeeding them too, I slept with them, etc, etc. I also told them how the baby will grow and be just like them one day.

They are crazy about her now :) Don't worry.

[One_Girl]

I only have one child, but I wanted to suggest trying to probe to see if she thinks you are replacing her with a boy.  A lot of people really want a boy and their girls know it even if they think they have hidden their desire, I knew my mom wanted a boy not a girl from the time I was very young and she admitted to me later in life that I had been right.  If you think she has ever heard you, your husband, family members, or friends parents talking about wanting a boy, having a boy being very important, trying for a boy, etc... then I really think you should try to find a way to address her insecurity before the baby is born.  If your girls names resemble names traditionally given to boys in any way then I think it is especially important to really talk up how wonderful girls are without being too obvious about it (boy names for girls are very popular in some circles around here and this caused a lot of hardship for a friends child who's name is a classical boy name complete with the same spelling when they had a surprise boy when she was in first grade).

[camprunner]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm doing some of them already. DH is thrilled we are having a boy. Personally, I'd have preferred another girl.  DH has always been careful when people to ask to say "I love my girls but I already have plenty of them.".  But you are right. It could be crossing her mind since she's always been "Daddy's girl".

[mom2happy]

My oldest girl was 7 when my new baby was born. My DS was 5. DD(7) definitely didn't accept the situation with open arms. She was ambivalent about having another sibling. She turned two, three days after I brought DS home. She had a hard time adjusting to his presence and sharing me. I thought since she was so much older, she would fully accept the new baby.

Through out my pregnancy I could see she was wishy washy about the idea.

 At first DD1 was very proud and happy, but at about 3 months old, she started going through a major transition. Her behavior was terrible no matter how much attention or positive reinforcement we gave. She still loved the baby, but would get very mad at her existence sometimes. Now she is 11 months old and DD1 seems to be coming to terms with the fact that there IS another sibling here to stay. She says about 1-2 times a week that she wishes we didn't have her. She told me that she feels like I don't "need" her anymore because I have a new girl. I spend most of my time and energy on DD1, and it still doesn't matter. She still feels displaced from DS. We talk about her feelings a lot and although she has fluctuating feelings about her siblings, when it comes down to it, she is very protective (as long as she isn't the one doing the harm) of her little brother, and loves and takes care of baby sis.

Overall, it all works out. They are best friends some days and worst enemies on others.

 There are some hard feelings sometimes and I think they just have to be able to express them in a healthy way and be validated.

[meemee]

i think these are signs of prepuberty (a not oft spoken about subject). the hormones are starting to wake up and making things difficult for ur dd. its not about breast buds and menarche. its about hormone and behaviour and maybe body odor change. 

i think your mothers down to earth attitude will be VERY helpful for her. 

i know its hard juggling between a future new baby and two more, but do the best to be there for her. seh will probably need more one on one time with you. its a phase they pass thru before goign back to their sweet self. dd has done it. 

give her some space to express her negative feelings. empathise with her rather than try to fix things (like no boys dont only fart or burp). i think your dd is at the stage where she really wants to be heard. and then if she goes overboard with negative feelings that's when you need to hone in. can you give her some tasks to do. like if you are getting a wadrobe ready let her be in charge of what to choose to be baby's first outfit, his first shoes, the first blanket he will be wrapped in?

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by meemee 

i think these are signs of prepuberty (a not oft spoken about subject). the hormones are starting to wake up and making things difficult for ur dd. its not about breast buds and menarche. its about hormone and behaviour and maybe body odor change. 

i think your mothers down to earth attitude will be VERY helpful for her. 

i know its hard juggling between a future new baby and two more, but do the best to be there for her. seh will probably need more one on one time with you. its a phase they pass thru before goign back to their sweet self. dd has done it. 

give her some space to express her negative feelings. empathise with her rather than try to fix things (like no boys dont only fart or burp). i think your dd is at the stage where she really wants to be heard. and then if she goes overboard with negative feelings that's when you need to hone in. can you give her some tasks to do. like if you are getting a wadrobe ready let her be in charge of what to choose to be baby's first outfit, his first shoes, the first blanket he will be wrapped in?

Thanks :) I can see the hormones possibly being an issue. I've talked with parents of other girls the same age and they are experiencing the same things (without at sibling on the way). We did cave into her request to chang ethe baby's name but it was because ultimately I agreed with her and dh was the one set on the other name. I felt like l caught between two people i loved and didn't want it to look like I was siding  with an 8 year old on the name. 

She is refusing to be present for the birth which I think is a separate issue (birth just bothers her) so aside from picking out baby's first outfit I'm not sure there is much I can do there.  I'm a little nervous because I would hate to have to explain if something happened to the first outfit we put on baby before she got home (my youngest daughter went through 5 diapers in the first hour after birth). However, I am sure that I will be needing her quite a bit and for all I care she can pick out his clothes for the first year!