At the moment, I work nights 11pm to 7am as a night nurse (LVN)
I go to school for my RN, and clinicals start Monday which will go on for 6 weeks 7a-7p. I have homwork and study time, with tests, and assignments due at different times.
I watch the baby during the day while my SO works from 8am-5pm. (daycare here is expensive) When he comes home, I go to bed and sleep (when DD isnt fussy) until about 9 or so. I then wake up, sometimes have time to catch a shower, grab a bite, and then get ready to go to work. SO is usually asleep (along with DD) - and I go to work.
On top of that, every other weekend, I have to drive 2 hours each way to get my two older kiddos and we spend every other Fri night - Sun evening doing lots of fun family things. Which is great. I love having my kids here, its just such a long drive, and it all seems so rushed.
I guess what I am trying to say is with keeping up with the apartment, laundry, cooking, baby, homework, work, and everything else - I am running down. I have no time. I don't have enough time to complete everything I need to in one day, not to mention me time. The only time I get with SO alone is every other weekend - and I am going on about 4 hours of sleep daily.
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep up. I am so stressed. My dr. had to up my antidepressant because I just feel like I am failing at life.
I am 24 and I feel more like 58. I have missed my older childrens lives so far due to school/work/divorce and custody issues. I was taught you can put the kids in daycare, and go to work and make money for your family... and so on. And that is what I did. I worked my butt off for just enough to pay the bills, missing these last few years.
I dont want to miss Dd2s life. Especially her baby days. During the day I am so worn out and tired, I admit, she plays on the floor, or in her jumper most of the time. Id love to stay home with her.
You want to know the honest truth? I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother, full time. To stay home and raise my babies. To be able to clean and cook, and just take care of the home. Sorry if that makes me not as good as the other moms who love to work and stuff, it's just how I honestly feel. I want to keep the home. To care for my children. Then, after the kiddos are in bed, I want to spend time with my SO.
And here is the problem. While we both work, I make 2.5x the amount of my SO and make 75% of the income. All of his income for one month would pay rent and maybe electric if we were lucky. We do not have any assistance from the government and pay for everything out of pocket. We also have no credit cards, or things like that.
I don't know what to do. I want to tell my job that I quit. That I quit to stay home, focus on family and school for the moment. That would mean taking a HUGE cut in income. HUGE. There would be no WAY that we would make our monthly bills. We dont have anything extra in bills either - just rent, lights, phone, health insurance, and so on- nothing fancy, and nothing that can be cut.
When I think about all this, I just want to curl up under the covers and sleep for a week. =(
SO isn't able to get another job that pays better. He works for his fathers company. He also works Monday-Saturday. His only day off is Sunday. He isn't in school, and only has a HS diploma. He would love to go to school, but right now, there is just no time. It would be awesome if he could get back in to the army - something we have been working on for over a year (just got back from the ARBA) but the chances are slim.
What would you do? Tough it out? Keep going like you were going? Quit and just do whatever was possible to get by? Whenever I try to talk to SO about how I feel he shushes me and tells me that we do what we gotta do. He works 6 days a week, hard labor for way less than what I do- yet he does it.
Am I being selfish? I am not saying I am going to quit, actually I know I wont.... I am just feeling so defeated. Anyone have any suggestions?