don't do for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves - Page 3

[ButterflyBaby11]

Originally Posted by BetsyS 

My mom did my laundry until the day I moved out.  Am I incapable?  No, though, I sure wish I was.  :)  My brother brought his laundry home for a couple of years after he moved out; I did mine as soon as I moved out.  My mom LOVES laundry, so she didn't mind doing my brother's. 

It didn't seem to harm us as people, but I do appreciate it more and more with the ever-growing amount of laundry I do as a mother.  So, in that regard, it worked out well for her.

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

Is it really about being rude, though?  Obviously, I don't mean kids should stand in the bathroom peeing on themselves because they can't get their own button undone, but at some point isn't it important to be sure they have the skill for when you can't help?  Or just because getting your own shoes on is important in itself? 

I remember babysitting a little girl a LONG time ago - she was five or six. She couldn't get her own swimsuit on and off, couldn't clean herself up after going to the bathroom.  I was really shocked.  I had babysat for a lot of kids her age (I was getting work via word of mouth, mostly the mothers of her class mates) and this was the first time I'd run into one so dependent.  I helped her, of course, but I wondered if she struggled with that stuff at school and if she felt bad about it.  She seemed embarrassed to be asking for help.

Lately I feel like we've done for our daughter to the point of her doubting she CAN do for herself and certainly she lacks some of the skills other kids her age have.

Wow.  Great thread.  Great food for thought.  These are many of issues I've battled with lately, too.  I believe my daughter is too baby-ish.  She's whiney and every-other-word out of her mouth is "I can't!"  "But!  I can't!"  When I encourage her to try--try to put her socks on for example--it's followed with nothing but whining and crying and "I can't" for 30 minutes.  The same goes for:  tooth brushing, putting her coat on, getting herself a glass of water, picking up her toys, wiping herself, being afraid to go to the bathroom alone at night (but she'll go in there if she's playing with the cat.  If she's honestly "afraid" of the bathroom at night, she wouldn't go in there for the cat, either), etc.  I can't stand her behavior lately.  She'll be in preschool this fall and she acts like she's 2, completely dependent on adults to cater to her.

My girlfriend"s daughter is very independent.  She wipes herself w/o any whining, buckles herself in/out of carseat, opens the car door, dresses herself, etc.  I'm almost embarrassed by my child sometimes.  She's 4.  She's book smart but she's "dumb" when it comes to socializing and self-care.  It took over ONE hour one night to get her to brush her teeth by herself.  One hour of SCREAMING that she can't do it.  I turned off all the house lights and went to sleep.  After that, she quickly brushed her teeth and joined me in bed.  She needs to grow up a little.  It's honestly pathetic as far as I'm concerned.  But she's so damn stubborn I don't know how to push her to do things :(     She can put her coat on/off and dress herself.  She's usually proud to show me what she's done (in which I tell her how proud I am of her, etc).  The next day, she'll tell me "she can't".  Here we go again.....sigh. 

[meemee]

Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 

She needs to grow up a little.  It's honestly pathetic as far as I'm concerned.  But she's so damn stubborn I don't know how to push her to do things :(     She can put her coat on/off and dress herself.  She's usually proud to show me what she's done (in which I tell her how proud I am of her

is she like that ALL the time. does she ask or whine for help at certain times or ALL the time with everything.

i see this is such a common thing with kids. the timing is very interesting for me. by 4 you as a parent kinda need a break. that is also the time the children are getting more and more aware of their surroundings. esp. 4 is a huge crucial age for that. its that scary thought. hey does the world really not revolve around me? by 5 they discover that in fact IS true. 

at that age dd was sometimes super independent. at other times so whiny and babyish. i could tell she was fighting the growing up battle. 

[dawncayden]

When I was raised my mom did EVERYTHING for me. She helped me dress until I was 10, I wasn't aloud to wash my hair on my own until I was 13, never able to cook anything. She would clean my room for me, put away all my clothes etc. When I moved out at 18, I found myself totally lost on how to take care of myself. I could cook anything. My dh who I moved in with at 18 had to teach me everything. Cooking, laundry, proper way to sweep and mop a floor. Iron.

I ask my mom why she never taught me anything while I was growing up. She says that I had an interest in learning things when I was a toddler, but it was just easier for her to do it and for me to go play with my toys instead. By the time she felt I was old enough to be helping her and doing things 'properly', I had totally lost interest in helping and it became impossible to get me to help, so she just continued doing everything.

She looks back on the whole thing as maybe a mistake, but when she interacts with my 5 year old ds, I see old habits of hers showing up. She would spoon feed him until age 3 if I let her, just because she enjoys it and he seems to like it, even though he is perfectly capable of feeding himself. She will help him dress without him asking, and even if he gets mad at her helping she still insists. 

I had an arguement with her about ds wiping his own bum. She can't believe a 5 year old can do a good job wiping his bum, but I tell her that he can and how is he going to practice this skill if it is always done for him.

Because of this, I have really encouraged ds to be independent. I ask him to do things for himself and remind him that he IS capable. He is very proud of himself when he can do something for himself. There are certain things everyday that he asks me to do for him. Getting on his socks, shoes and buckling the carseat. I usually suggest that he do it, or tell him I'll do one of them if he does the other, or compromise some other way. I don't turn it into a huge big deal, but I still don't jump to do things for him all the time. I am usually busy dealing with his brother or getting myself ready. When I remind him of that too, he often gets himself ready.

He gets excited about doing new things by himself. If I ask him to get sandwich items ready and make his own sandwich, he just beams with pride :)

[ButterflyBaby11]

Originally Posted by meemee 

is she like that ALL the time. does she ask or whine for help at certain times or ALL the time with everything.

i see this is such a common thing with kids. the timing is very interesting for me. by 4 you as a parent kinda need a break. that is also the time the children are getting more and more aware of their surroundings. esp. 4 is a huge crucial age for that. its that scary thought. hey does the world really not revolve around me? by 5 they discover that in fact IS true. 

at that age dd was sometimes super independent. at other times so whiny and babyish. i could tell she was fighting the growing up battle. 

8/10 times it's whining and "I can't."  The main problem, as far as I can see, is that I'm the only adult in her life encouraging her to grow up.  I'm a single mom.  When I'm at work her father or the grandma's watch dear spoiled child.  EVERYONE except me baby's her.  Her dad lets her boss him around--"You carry me daddy!"...and he does.  "I don't want to put my coat on, grandma.  You do it!"...and she does.  Mama is the only one who puts her foot down.  I am THE bitch in her life.  Maybe I'm too hard on her.  But my nerves are wearing down fast.  So fast that I think I'd rather my spoiled brat daughter stay gone for the rest of the week.  I woke up to an empty, quiet house today.  Nobody to wait on hand and foot.  No whining.  No fighting to get things done.  I enjoyed it way more than I probably should have?  lol and i want my peace and quiet a little longer.  I'm thinking that if I let spoiled child's father and/or grandma's take care of her for a week or better, they just might begin to understand where I'm coming from and HELP me.  Maybe.  Maybe it will bite me in the rear and dear spoiled child will come back home even worse.  I just don't know. 

[sunnygir1]

  You need to get a break and do some self care.  What makes you feel relaxed and safe?  Can you find some time to do that while your dd is somewhere else.

Is there someone you can talk to to help you feel better?  Coffee with a friend?

Once you feel better and calmer, can you talk to your dd's dad and the grandma(s?) about how important you think it is to encourage your dd to try to do things for herself?

Try to focus on giving her good attention and encouraging her to try things for herself and ask politely when she wants help.  Remember she is still just a little girl, and her brain, body, and emotional self are not developed yet.  She is growing and learning at a rapid rate, and it is hard for her (and for you!).

Be gentle with yourself and with your dd.  I am REALLY struggling with my 4yo too (see my recent thread) so I know where you are coming from.  Just hang in there and work toward being the kind of parent and person you want to be.

Forgive your dd and forgive yourself.

[Happiestever]

I am responding without reading the replies yet but I just read something that I think might help here.

There was this man visiting his friend and she was in her 14 yo's room, putting away his clothes. The man asks the mother what she is doing. Which she responds, cleaning up of course. Then he asks her again. Then he says finally that he feels sorry for her sons future wife.

This story stuck with me because that is exactly how my MIL treats my DH and her other children. If they are physically capable of cleaning up after themselves, they should do it.

I will say that my 4.5 yo is great with clean up time, but my 3 yo definitely needs to learn these behaviors. At 5 kids are physically able to dress, brush their teeth, clean up, put their dishes away....

Some days are just easier than others. If they can't do something of course help them, but if these behaviors were to continue until they were older like 10ish? I would be concerned.

Edited by Happiestever - 3/26/11 at 11:01pm