Getting Anxious 5.5 yo to Sleep in Own Bed (long)

[SusanMy]

We've co-slept with DS1 (5.5 y/o) for most of his life. When he turned five we began trying to get him to sleep the night in his own bed (this coincided with DH deciding he could no longer get a decent night's sleep with DS in our bed). We started by having one of us settle in with him, read, listen to relaxing music, etc., until DS fell asleep, then leave the room. We told DS he was free to join us in our bed if he woke in the night and couldn't fall back to sleep. He never made it more than a few hours on his own, and would come to us (usually crying) and need someone with him the rest of the night. While this was going on, I was progressing through pregnancy. By the time I reached the late stages, the arrangement had become: DH or I putting DS to bed, and DH spending the rest of the night in DS's room with him.

DS2 arrived in December, and we decided to give DS1 some time to get used to his little brother before trying to persuade him to try sleeping on his own again. We talked to him about it, and started trying again a couple of weeks ago. There were two (exciting!) nights that he managed to sleep on his own until 5 or 6 a.m., but I've come to the conclusion that these were freak incidents that only occurred because he was *extremely* tired. He basically still wakes about four hours after going to bed, and needs someone to join him.

Complicating matters is the fact that DS1 is afraid of the dark and a pretty sensitive kid. We've given him a sheep to cuddle with a lavender sachet that can be heated up at bedtime. We have a Twilight Turtle that projects stars on the ceiling as he falls asleep. He never falls asleep alone, and we leave the hall light on all night for him. Still, he isn't able to make it through the night. There isn't room in our bedroom for him to have a mattress on the floor, and now, with the baby co-sleeping, there isn't safe room in our queen-sized bed for mom, dad, infant, and extremely kicky 5 y/o.

I miss sleeping with my husband, and he feels likewise, but I also understand that DS1 may feel left out with everyone else in one bed and while he sleeps alone. We've talked to him about this, but he insists that he *wants* to sleep alone, and he definitely doesn't want to sharing sleeping space with a crying baby, even if that were an option.

One thing I think might help would be an earlier bedtime for DS1. He's homeschooled, so he doesn't have to get up super-early in the morning, but I know he's not getting enough sleep (9-10 hours/night) for his age. I'm pretty good at getting him to bed early enough, but DH isn't, so the bedtimes are inconsistent.

Any other suggestions for helping DS with his fear of the dark and of sleeping alone? I don't want this to be a torturous process for him, but it's very clear to me that this isn't just a "phase" he'll be growing out of any time soon.

(P.S. Here's something weird: We tried getting DS1 to sleep in his own bed when he first *got* a bed, at age 3.5. He not only went to sleep on his own, but stayed asleep on his own every night...for exactly one week. Never happened again after that )

[waiting2bemommy]

you could try a high protein snack before bed, white noise or a relaxation/meditation cd to help him stay asleep at night.

Since he wants to be able to sleep alone, maybe you could try putting him to bed and laying with him just until he falls asleep, then the three of you sleeping in your bed. Then when he wakes up, repeat the process, go lay with him until hje falls asleep and then leave again. After a couple weeks of that, start sitting next to the bed at bedtime, then at the door, until you can just walk him in there and kiss him and leave. Then start doing the same thing at night, instead of laying with him during the nightwakings, sit next to the bed, then at the door, etc. It's just a guess, but I'm thiking that once you remove the parental attention (gently and lovingly, of course) at night, he will eventually stop bugging you at 3 AM! 

[reezley]

Our older ds is 6.  After ds2 came along (when he was 2) he started cosleeping with dh instead of me.  Then it went to starting in his own bed and getting in with dh halfway through the night.  About a year ago (maybe more, I forget) dh really wanted to make the switch to ds staying in his own bed all night, since the interruption was disturbing dh's sleep too much.  DS doesn't have a particular fear of the dark, though, and doesn't wake up crying (not since he was 2 or so) - he's just always wanted company and snuggling.

We came up with an incentive system. Ds's idea was to have a prize box that he could pick from when he woke up in his own bed... but we went with a little puzzle that I make for him and put under his pillow so he can find it and do it in the morning. Word scrambles, simple crosswords, codes, etc. (he's really into those things).  But it could be a special breakfast treat, or whatever.  DS now sleeps in his bed all night probably about half the time, pretty directly related to the puzzle.  :)   I mean, we've explained over and over about how Daddy needs a good sleep for work and all, but he likes that extra fun thing attached to staying in bed.

Another thing is we try to do is restrict drinking water before bed, because it helps him sleep through without a pee break to switch beds.  

[D_McG]

Can you leave his actual light on? My son sleeps with his light on. Just his regular bedside light but it's v. bright.

Other than that the approach that works for my son for all these things is push.. reward.. push...reward. Which truly has been an adjustment for me because I'd like to just let him grow into things. But he so far doesn't really do that. His fears consume him and he really needs the push.

[SusanMy]

Wow, thanks for all the great advice, mamas. The little-by-little (bed, to chair, to door) approach sounds good--I think I'd heard of this before, but forgotten about it. Incentives also might help; DS is fairly goal-oriented, so having a little "prize" to work toward might give him that extra boost.

Tonight, DH went to bed with DS, with the understanding that, since DH is getting up extra-early tomorrow morning, DS will either stay in bed until the rest of us get up or, if he must, join me and DS2 in bed. We'll see how this works. I don't care which end we work it from as long as it gives him some practice at staying in bed on his own. The advantage of this inverse approach is that no one has to go back to bed with him, plus there'll actually be room in the bed in the a.m. in case DS1 has to join us.

Re: leaving a light on in his room: My niece slept like that for years. We actually did try it with DS awhile back, but he still came to us in the wee hours.

Anyway, please keep the great ideas coming--they're greatly appreciated!

[D_McG]

I think for me anyway dealing with my son's anxiety it's been a lot of ME believing he can do things, even if he doesn't. My instinct when he's scared is to go 'it's ok pet we'll try again another time' but in reality what helps him is me going 'you CAN do it. you're crying because you're scared and that's OK. But I know you can. So let's go back to your bed and you'll stay there until tomorrow". And one night that meant me sitting in the chair for a long time and then coming back to check on him every few minutes.

For DS at least every time he 'tries' something and his fears get in the way of him succeeding.. his confidence takes a hit and it reinforces the fear. That's why push push pushing. Even when it sometimes feels like too much.. has been helpful. And really essential in a lot of ways. Sleep is a big one. I'm a mess without good sleep. It's a non negotiable that only one child is in my bed at one time. I didn't mind a newborn and a young toddler. But now I have a 2 and a 4 year old. So just not happening.

[Surfer Rosa]

My DD is 5.5 too, and until very recently, we had the same sleeping issues and arrangements. I feel your pain, and I sumpathize. DD is also sensitive, a light sleeper, etc. When DS was born 2.5 yrs ago, all sleep progress we'd made was out the window. DH slept with her pretty much every night until a couple of months ago, and DS was in bed with me (so glad we had the foresight to invest in a Queen for her, and a King for us!)

A couple of months ago, we reached our breaking point. DH and I were sick of sleeping separately; no one was getting the quantity or quality of sleep they needed (invariably, DD would wander in just after we fell asleep, and once we had her settled, we were wide awake). DD is a really active sleeper, and also a light sleeper, so a family bed wouldn't work; she just wakes everyone else up. We'd tried moving a little bed into our room in the fall, so that she could just slip in at night, but it didn't work. We talked about needing a change with her: she's pretty prococious and we felt we needed to be honest with her that we need our sleep to function and do our jobs as a mom and dad well, and that it was time for her to try and put herself to sleep. My reasoning was that if we kept the same bedtime routine (read books to her and DS (they share a room/bed now), then listen to music) but leave *before* she fell asleep, that she would learn the skill of putting herself to sleep. I made sure she was okay with it, then would go next door and fold laundry, or clean the bathroom, popping in every once in a while. She whined a bit, but I was very surprised when she actually did it! Eventually, she was only waking up once a night, and we'd walk her back to her room, calmly tuck her in, put on some music/stories or take her to the bathroom, then leave. Very rarely, we'd lie with her (when she was upset, or had a bad dream, but not just out of habit as we had before). In the last couple of weeks, she has (a) slept through the night (!!!) and IF she wakes up, she takes herself to the bathroom, or puts on her own music, or reads to herself (we told her she could do something quiet in bed, but she can't come and wake everyone up). Maybe let him know that it's okay to wake up at night, but it's not okay to wake everyone else up? We gave DD some suggestions of things she could do, and it seemed to help her anxiety about waking us up/pressure of having to sleep through the night.

We've been leaving a small light on in her room which seems to make a difference in her comfort level. Like a PP mentioned, we relayed that we felt she could do it and that she was ready, and seeing that we believed it, she believed it...and she was so happy when it was true! And...ummm...once we saw that she wanted to sleep onn her own...we did offer some incentives. We have never offered bribes for anything, but I have to say...it worked. She's been asking for fish for ages, so we told her if she could do two weeks on her own, she could get a tank. And we figured if she can do two weeks, then she's creating a new habit...and it's worked. We do talk a bit and (gasp!) praise her for the strides she's made recently (she is really independent), and it makes her feel like a big kid.

One other thing: from 3-5, she had night terrors, which were just so horrendous. We ruled out food sensitivities/allergies, and introduced a few things: cal/mag supp before bed, a high protein snack, and glycine...these are all supposed to help with sugar crashes/better sleep. A regular bedtime routine is pretty important. Our going to bed time slides anywhere between 8 and 9 (or sometimes even 9.30, but I try to avoid those). For our kids, the routine, not the clock is the most important thing.

Good luck, and I hope you see some positive changes soon!