3 year old girl who has never met a stranger....

[Mylie]

I need some advice..My 3.5 year old girl isn't afraid of strangers...she wants to talk and hug everyone...I don't want to scare her but how can I make her more wary of people she doesn't know?? She wants to hug all the woman in Walmart...I don't want her being that friendly..Espesially with our custody issues at the present..I don't want her just going with anyone..how can i make her aware of strangers without scaring the crap out of her???

Thanks..

[thedenverduo]

Please please please read Protecting the Gift  by Gavin de Becker.  The book is about fear as an instinct that we can fine tune, but it also talks a lot about strangers and how to raise children that react appropriately to strangers.  It really changed the way I think about this issue and I wish everyone would read it!

[Lisa1970]

You said in your title that she has never met a stranger..but then you went on to describe all these strangers she has met. The hardest thing for kids to understand is that even the friendliest, sweetest, kindest seeming stranger..is still a stranger. That means, you have to make it clear to her when she tries to hug and speak to strangers that those people are strangers. Also, make sure you model the correct behavior of not speaking to strangers. I know, as adults, it is far more OK, but, it may be something you need to taper due to the issue you are having with her.

[midnightwriter]

ITA about the book. "Not talking to strangers" is not a safe thing to teach or model. Most abusers are not strangers to a child.
 

Originally Posted by thedenverduo 

Please please please read Protecting the Gift  by Gavin de Becker.  The book is about fear as an instinct that we can fine tune, but it also talks a lot about strangers and how to raise children that react appropriately to strangers.  It really changed the way I think about this issue and I wish everyone would read it!

[pbjmama]

"never met a stranger" is a way of saying she treats everyone she meets like a friend.

I think the book recommendation is good. I think modeling talk to strangers and other adults is appropriate. Children know when a person is scary or not to be trusted because they have not yet learned to over-ride these instincts in favor of cultural norms. Teach your daughter to trust herself and her perceptions of people.

[LynnS6]

My view: She's 3. Because she's 3, she's not capable of determining who a 'stranger' is and who isn't. The term 'stranger danger' is pretty meaningless at any age, but particularly with a 3 year old. 3 year olds need their parents to keep them safe.

What you can do is explain to her that it's important that she stay with you because it's your job to keep her safe. That removes the burden from her shoulders. The easiest way to do this is to tell her that she needs to be able to see you at all times when you're out. (She has no idea if you can see her, but she'll be able to tell if she can see you.) If she can see you, then 99 times out of 100, you can see her.

You can also teach her to ask before she hugs someone. While most of the women at Walmart are probably thrilled to be hugged by a 3 year old, not everyone will be. It's good basic in our culture manners to ask before you touch/hug someone.

You should also teach her what to do if she gets 'lost' (I don't know the nature of your custody battle, but you should be able to describe what 'lost' means). If she gets separated from you, teach her to find a woman and say "I can't find my mom." Best is a woman with kids, next best is a woman without kids. This is straight from Protecting the Gift -- women have a much much lower incidence of child molestation and so are a safer choice if you have to approach a stranger. (And this is another reason you don't want to teach her to fear strangers -- if she's lost she'll HAVE to.)

So, read Protecting the Gift. Teach her to stay with you. If you're worried about an ex snatching her, move heaven and earth to get a custody order in place and/or a restraining order. As she gets older, you can teach her more about trusting her own gut. Even the most extroverted person won't hug everyone.

[sapphire_chan]

It also doesn't help that she's been meeting strangers her whole life. Your friends, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandpa, Nana,  doctor, nurses, librarians, kids at the park, the library, the store. Dozens and dozens of people that she doesn't know at all, but you talk to cheerfully. And if she gets to hug grannie and the cousins, why not the little old lady in Aisle 3? =D

With dd we talk about staying where she can see me, asking before she hugs someone (or touches their stuff), and how it's okay if the answer is no.

She also can sing my cellphone number to the tune of Frere Jacques. e.g. "3-1-7, 3-1-7, 4-0-9, 4-0-9, 1-7-8-2, 1-7-8-2, that calls mom, that calls mom"

[macandcheese]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

She also can sing my cellphone number to the tune of Frere Jacques. e.g. "3-1-7, 3-1-7, 4-0-9, 4-0-9, 1-7-8-2, 1-7-8-2, that calls mom, that calls mom"

I LOVE this! 

[HidaShara]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

She also can sing my cellphone number to the tune of Frere Jacques. e.g. "3-1-7, 3-1-7, 4-0-9, 4-0-9, 1-7-8-2, 1-7-8-2, that calls mom, that calls mom"

Agreed, this is AMAZING. :D 

[pranava]

Awesome!!!  I'm going to start singing this today!  Thanks!     Hey?  317? are you in Indy?
 

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

It also doesn't help that she's been meeting strangers her whole life. Your friends, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandpa, Nana,  doctor, nurses, librarians, kids at the park, the library, the store. Dozens and dozens of people that she doesn't know at all, but you talk to cheerfully. And if she gets to hug grannie and the cousins, why not the little old lady in Aisle 3? =D

With dd we talk about staying where she can see me, asking before she hugs someone (or touches their stuff), and how it's okay if the answer is no.

She also can sing my cellphone number to the tune of Frere Jacques. e.g. "3-1-7, 3-1-7, 4-0-9, 4-0-9, 1-7-8-2, 1-7-8-2, that calls mom, that calls mom"

[mamazee]

Cool idea about the phone number, but is that your real number?  You might want to take it down or you could get a bunch of annoying spam calls or something.

[APToddlerMama]

OP--I don't want to freak you out, but sometimes when kids are overly friendly with strangers, it is a signal that something else is going on in their environment or emotionally for that child.  Sometimes a child who has been shuffled around a lot or isn't feeling emotionally secure will do this.  I am not saying this is the case for her since I don't know you.  But, it might be something you want to think about.  You had mentioned custody issues... have you thought about seeing a play based therapist with her?  Either way, you can teach her that this isn't appropriate.  Do some modeling/role playing,etc, but if it were me, I would also really be concerned about the root cause and would want to examine this further.  Best of luck. 

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by pranava 

Awesome!!!  I'm going to start singing this today!  Thanks!     Hey?  317? are you in Indy?
 

For another couple months, then we move down to Btown. Dh is already working down there, and the commute SUCKS.

[sapphire_chan]

And the telephone number thing worked surprisingly quickly.  I just started singing it to her while going for walks and after only 3-4 times she was trying to sing along.  Someone with a 4 or 5 year old posted about it here on MDC and I figured it'd take at least until dd was 3 for her to learn the number like that.

Mind you, I don't think she's got the situational awareness yet to recognize either when she needs the number or who she should sing the song to. (Even though I tell her that if I'm not around she can go to a "Mommy adult" and sing the telephone song.)

The other thing I've planned, but haven't gotten around to, is to have her practice using dh's phone to call me.

[Mylie]

Thanks everyone for your advice...I don't have internet at home so that why it took so long to get back on...I am going to check those books out of the library..And I love the suggestions for asking meabout hugging or touching anyone..And I love the singing phone number...I do have custody issues..She is my granddaughter...she has been with me since birth and legally since 2 months..I have kept her close and protected her from the going on that happen..So she doesn't have a clue yet...I won't let mom and dad close if they are having their issues and never without me..I don't think she needs to see a therapist because she has never been abused..She has never been with a  babysitter and while she is in daycare I am right there..I work there..I am concered that she is feeling insecure about not having a daddy per say even though she does..My son can't be a good ongoing daddy to her right now even though he does see her occasionally..She hasn't grasped that he is the real deal..The last time she saw him she called him grandpa  He just doesn't relate to her in that sense and she doesn't have the understanding about it all yet..

So I will read all the suggested books and I love all the advice and suggestions that I am going to use..I think they are awesome...Hopefully I can get her to understand that while it is okay to hug people she needs to ask me if that stranger is okay to hug...Thanks again...

[APToddlerMama]

OP--That makes a ton more sense now that you have filled in the story a bit.  My initial thought before my first post was thinking "attachment disorder" or attachment issues.  I had no idea that you were her grandma.  I have worked with kids in foster care, kinship care, and adoption, and even though you have been parenting her since birth, there is a real risk of attachment related issues.  I didn't want to say that bluntly in my original response, thinking you were her biological mother, but knowing now the loss she has experienced, this seems even more like the root cause of her behavior.  Of course, she has gained something as well--you are her caregiver.  That separation from her biological parents, however, seems to have a big effect on some children, even if it is right from birth.  I would strongly encourage you to seek therapy for her.  Attachment related issues do not typically become less as kids get older.  They become deeper and more concerning relationship issues if not treated.  It is not your fault, of course.  It just happens sometimes in these situations.  The earlier you help her work through this, the better off she will be.  Best of luck to you both.