Contraceptive Advice

[user172]

Alright, I am hoping to get some advice on an apparent impasse my husband and I are engaged in regarding contraceptives.

My husband and I (30 and 25 respectively) have been happily married for 2 years. We bought a home and we both have jobs making decent money. Decent meaning: we are never late on any sort of payment we may have and we are not living paycheck to paycheck.

Before we were married we decided about the number of kids we would like to have, the approximate amount of time we wanted to have to ourselves after being married, and the general financial and career standing we wanted to be in before we started to have kids. We have not gotten to those goals yet.

As far as contraceptives go, I have been on the pill for most of the time we have been together. Not just marriage but through the dating process as well. Also, my husband has worn a condom every time we have had sex...except once. I like the comfort in knowing that we are being safe and doing everything we can to alleviate getting pregnant.

Where I need advice is: My husband wants to stop using condoms and rely exclusively on the pill. We have had some heated conversations about this and I feel like we have come to a standstill.
His arguments are:

we are married we shouldn't have to use condoms

we would be OK financially if we had a baby

it just feels better.

I agree totally on all of those points.

However, he takes exception to my arguments:

I don't feel it is fair that I have to shoulder the entire burden of contraception. We are a team and he should do his part as it is as much my responsibility as it is his.

What was the point of laying out a plan on how we wanted to build our lives and our family if we are now going to totally disregard it?

Why, if we are both in total agreement that we are not ready to have kids (but that we would be OK if we had one) would we increase our chances of having a child by taking out a layer of protection?

We have talked about alternatives to condoms, but he doesn't seem to be satisfied with using anything more than just the pill. I would appreciate any advice on this matter either for his arguments or for mine.

This is NOT about:

INFECTION: Neither of us have an STD, so the condom is NOT for that purpose, only to prevent pregnancy.

Thanks!

[larzanna]

I used just the pill for hmmm, at least 15 years as my only birth control.  If taken correctly they are 99% effective, for me thats good enough.  I sort of felt like if i fell into that 1% that that baby was meant to be and i would deal with my life change of plans.  Now, i took them correctly, i never in 15 years missed a pill, not once!

If its more a matter of not wanting to be the only one doing the birthcontrol, maybe could he remind you daily to take the pill? Could he be responsible for setting your alarm? Be responsible for getting your script filled each month? Something like that?

What about using just spermacide as that added layer of protection? It pretty much sucks that most birth cotrol, other than condoms is on the woman...but i am sure its because women are hte ones who get pregnant, and men are the ones designing birth control.

I for one cannot imagine being married and having to  use condoms, i know lots of people do, but for me, blah, hate em'

[*MamaJen*]

It's great that you're discussing this and thinking about it and being proactive about family planning.

I do understand why he wouldn't like condoms, and I do understand why you would want a backup method. Have you considered using another back-up method? Maybe he could pull out every time, or you could use spermicide or a diaphragm? I'm not sure if you can chart while using a pill, but maybe you could chart and he could use condoms in the fertile period? It seems like a situation where a compromise might be possible.

[themothership]

If you want some of the responsibility to be his tell him that it is his job to make sure you take the pill, have him bring it to you at whatever time you usually take it. Make a stipulation that if he forgets more than X times then he will have to start using condoms again.

[stardogs]

I was in a very similar situation about 2 years ago - married, not wanting to have kids right away, was on the pill with DH wearing a condom as back up, etc. It's not for everyone, but I am *very* happy with my Mirena IUD - it basically takes the responsibility of remembering anything away, it's reliable for up to 5 years, and it's cheaper in the long run than the pill. Plus no period, I lost weight, and some other nice side effects lol.

[BaileyB]

I totally understand both of your points of view. My husband and I have had the same discussions before only the points of view were reversed; I wanted to stop using condoms because of discomfort because I secretly felt that taking off a layer of protection would somehow take away a layer between us not having a baby, and DH was nervous about losing a layer of protection because he was not so interested in having a baby yet.

I don't really have much for advice either way but let me just say this: 2 years of marriage and 2 pregnancies have given me the wisdom to say that if you know for sure that you are not ready to have a baby, don't lose the condoms because even though you won't get pregnant you will probably always have a small amount of 'could I be pregnant?' in the back of your mind. BUT, also, if you are really meant to be together and are a super strong couple, you WILL get through having an unexpected baby and it WILL make you stronger and will be such a light in your life.

[JMJ]

Consider FAM/NFP.  For some people, it is the woman doing all the work.  For many couples, it is truly a couple-centered method of family planning.  He can hand her the thermometer in the morning or record her temperature for her.  She has to make and record CM observations, but either spouse can record CP.  Both partners should make interpretations of the fertility signs for greater accuracy, and both partners use the information to decide when to have sex.  If he is truly interested in doing his fair share in family planning without using condoms, this might be an option to consider.