Feeling guilty about being a stay at home mom

[RabbitMomma]

I'm a new "stay at home mom"- even though our first child isn't born yet- and a new wife. Because I got pregnant just before I moved to the UK from the US and was on a visa that didn't enable me to work, I've haven't been working for a few months now. I feel pretty strongly about my need to homeschool our child, and have always really wanted to be a stay at home mom once we had children. Because of that, this stay at home mom thing is probably going to permanent and I think that we're both really happy about it and think it's for the best.

However....I'm starting to feel really guilty about our finances and having to ask my husband for money. My husband doesn't make a whole lot of money at his job, it's enough for us to live on but doesn't give us a lot of extra spending money. My own money from past jobs is slowly running dry from spending money on groceries, rabbit supplies, and knick knacks here and there for the house that I needed to help me move in. I feel kind of bad going to him and asking for money. Like when we're at the grocery store together and half of our supplies consists of food for my rabbits and when it's time to pay he turns to me and asks "so who's paying?" I feel kind of guilty asking him to. They're really my bunnies, I've had Chloe for six years and well before I met my husband, so I really feel responsible for them and feel sort of bad asking him to pay for their food and bedding, which can get really expensive sometimes. I feel doubly bad because I'm not really a stay at home "mom" yet, as the baby's still baking . Right now we're living at his mother's house and I absolutely hate it because I want my own space, but my husband isn't bothered at all about it and isn't particularly bothered to move out because he doesn't want to spend the extra money on rent when we have free living space available to us now. Again, I feel so bad asking him to move into a house with all those expensive when I won't be able to contribute any money into it. I feel like I'm being a bit spoiled and sort of like I'm robbing my husband of his income. I know that we're a family and we're supposed to share, but sometimes I feel really guilty because I'm asking him for money for my needs and what should be my responsibilities.

Do any other stay at home moms feel like this- at least when they first started out? I know when the baby comes I'll feel a lot less guilty because I'll be really, really busy. But there's still going to be me needing to spend money on my rabbits and things like that and I feel kind of bad that the little spending money he makes is going to my stuff and not his. I'm having a hard time handling the fact that I'll always have to take his money from him and it'll never really be my own. I've thought about maybe starting up a part-time dog training business a few years down the line for some extra income, but in order for me to get a certification as a professional dog trainer I'll have to attend seminars and such, which again is going to be a lot of money out of his pocket.

[MeepyCat]

I think that "So who's paying?" is a kind of dumb question for a married person to ask.  All the assets, legally, belong to both of you.  So whoever actually hands out the cash, you're both paying. 

My husband and I have separate bank accounts and that works pretty well for us... but we both work.  We both have money coming in.  We're aware of the relative amounts of our incomes and we budget accordingly.  When one or the other of us is out of work, we transfer cash between ourselves.  We try not to make each other ask for money.

In a situation where there is only one income, and where one person is shortly going to be taking care of a child, I don't think that separate accounts really work.  You're going to be dealing with a lot - grocery shopping and errands generally fall on the person at home - and you will need available funds in order to do so.  The reasonable solution is to work out a household budget and open a joint account, that you both can access, and deposit the vast majority of the household income into it (IMO, it's okay to have some private running around money, to spend on fripperies and fluffy coffee, which need not be explained to one's partner, provided that you aren't risking accidentally overdrawing the household account, or spending the rent money).

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

It is time for you and DH to have a serious talk.  If you cannot legally work, obviously you two need to budget one income to cover two, and eventually three people. He needs to just pay for what needs to be purchased and not make you feel guilty about your portion of the expenses.  That being said, if you are spending a large portion of your family income on discretionary stuff (I do count pets in this category) you need to figure out - as a family - exactly how much of your budget can and should go to these types of expenses. I don't know your finances, but it sounds like if your husband is struggling to pay for rabbit food, it is pretty unrealistic to expect to move out of a rent free situation for quite some time.  That doesn't mean it shouldn't be a goal though.  You and your husband need to get on the same page about how long exactly you will be remaining with your in-laws, how much you have to have saved before you can leave, and work backwards from there. Once you are both clear on your contributions - financial and otherwise - to the relationship, hopefully you won't feel any more guilt, and he won't feel resentful. It sounds like you both have a lot to talk about though. 

[soccerchic21]

I have been staying at home full time for almost 9 months. I started a few months into my pregnancy with our third child. There are times when I do feel guilty because money can be tight or we can't go out to eat as often as we would like. I have to wait for my husband's payday to buy things for our kids I can't just go out and get what I want when I want it. When I do want something I do run it by my husband. However in turn if he wants to purchase something that isn't necessarily a need he also runs it by me. I would say your rabbit supplies fall into the need. They are your pets and part of your household. 

When I start to feel guilty I think of the expense that it would cost to have my children in daycare. My older children are in school however my Kindergartner is only half day. So I would need to pay someone to drop my oldest off at school drive home then after lunch drive to drop my son off and again when they got off of school. All the while taking care of my infant. When I look at the expense of that if I work full time I won't be taking home much money at all. Maybe a few hundred dollars. It just isn't worth it to me to be away from my children 40 hours a week for a few hundred extra dollars. 

If it helps to ease your mind I worked full time with my first and my second and then started part time when my youngest was almost 3. I have been the most stress free overall as a stay at home mother even though we have less money. 

[Knitting Mama]

We went from having a great double income to having our income completely cut in half when I left work to stay at home. Yeah, it sucks sometimes. Money is very tight, and we don't have room for extraneous stuff.  But I look at my state of mind as the biggest reason why it's better for us to be poor and have me at home. I would NOT be a happy mama back at work. I would probably be clinically depressed being away from my daughter. That wouldn't make for a very good environment for her to grow up in.

[tzs]

defintely have a talk with dh about how you are going to manage joint finances (funny i should be saying this since i've been playing it by ear with dh since for over a year now...it sucks asking for money, and then not having enough while you're out trying to get things done for the family.)

because, at least in my case, the guilt doesn't go away. i've been the primary caregiver for dd and the house for 18 months now and the feeling is still there, even though i don't even really have the choice to work (daycare costs as much as i make, so i wouldn't be coming home with cash anyway.) dealing with the money will be good practice because there are other issues involving the same sort of guilt that are going to come up (asking for help around the house, asking for more help with the kid...and the feeling on one or both sides that you should be doing it all because it's your "job.")

[jpietryka]

I agree the the key to alleviating guilt about money (or lack there of) lies in having a plan and open communication.  Having a financial budget is one of the best things you can do for the health of your marriage and for your child.  As a new mother I feel more than ever that fiscal security is critical, not an easy task on a fraction of the income but we sat down together and decided what cuts to make.  It wasn't easy at first but now we are much happier in regards to money matters.  Good luck!

[mra]

No guilt here. I stopped teaching to be a SAHM, so now we are living on just my husband's salary but it's what we agreed on before having the baby. I have always handled both our finances and will continue to do so. My DH likes to spend money and I'm the thrifty one, so he actually runs all his purchases by me first even though he is the one making the money. I don't go crazy buying things, so if I want something I just buy it, I don't have to ask. I don't mind spending my husband's money at all. : ) After all, I'm working hard taking care of our daughter, which is the best thing for her. I try to do all the housework, although sometimes I ask for help. Hubby's only job around here is cooking dinner and taking care of the pool but he will do more if I need him too. 

I also own a townhouse from before we were married that I rent out, so I do have a little bit of money left over after paying that mortgage that could be considered spending money.

We did have to cut back some, especially when it came to our dogs. We have four and I was always buying them new toys and collars with my money. I don't anymore and I've cut back on the vitamin supplements and super expensive food they used to get. I know that pets can be expensive! 

I agree with the other posters that you need to have a serious talk about money with your husband. Money is a huge source of conflict in marriages. Try to weed out anything you and hubby don't need to buy and attempt to put some money into savings. Personally, I think it makes a huge difference knowing that you have money saved to fall back on in case anything happens. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Personally, I think that one way to alleviate your guilt is by not asking for money. I suggest that you become active in your financial relationship. Take responsibility for managing the family's finances and you will know how much money is in the bank and weather or not you  can afford to buy something. You wont have to ask.

That being said, DH loves to be the one to pay when we go out to eat. He will even sometimes ask me if I have cash before we go in and ask if he can have it so that he can be the one to pay. :) Its cute and I always give it to him, but as a PP said, when you are married, all of the money belongs to both of you.

[Plarka]

Ever since we got married we've had a joint account, and one or both of us was working, it's been 'our' money.  I've been a SAHM now for 3.5 years and I call it 'our' money even though dh earns it.  I'm also American and in the UK, where are you? I'm in the southeast.

[RabbitMomma]

Thank you very much for the replies, I guess we haven't quite gotten situated into married life yet! We've been living together for about a year, and before we were married I was chipping in with money for rent and food, I guess neither of us really realised that it would be so different once we got married and pregnant! Having a joint account is something that we never really thought about, for example. It's a great idea, I brought it up with my husband and I think we're going to try that, either that or he's going to give me a certain amount of money every week in cash for household things and rabbit food :) We both feel pretty strongly about homeschooling, and I think that my husband is happy with me staying home even though we're going to have to be a lot more frugal than we're used to!

Plarka I'm in the south west (Cornwall).

[soccerchic21]

I have a friend who is married and they have joint accounts for bills etc. They each also have a personal account for their personal spending. Each paycheck they give themselves an allowance. So they can spend from their own personal account however they wish.