Any other working moms wish they could switch with stay at home dad?

[sawingjello]

My husband may soon become the stay at home dad to our baby.  He lost his job when DS was three months old.  We had planned for me to be the stay at home mom, or work just part time.  He has looked for work for four stressful months.  It has been hard on him and hard on our marriage. 

For the last 4 months DH has worked part time overnights and DS has been with grandparents during the day while DH sleeps. They can't watch him much longer due to their health.  The money doesn't make the bad hours worth it.  Gas prices make driving the 45 minutes to the place not worth it.

Now we are thinking about just accepting what we've been given and making the best of it.   It will be easier to just have him quit the overnight part time job and just stay home with baby.

DH is an awesome dad, I am not worried at all about that.  DS will love the arrangement.

My question is:  any other moms in this situation?  If so, how did you come to terms?

I am sad that I will not be the stay at home parent.  I am also kind of sad that we will have to cut all extra expenses, cut our grocery budget, no longer take pilates for me or swimming lessons for DS.  My salary will pay the bills but nothing more.

The situation may change in the future, but I need help coming to terms with the present. 

[JudiAU]

Oh yes.

I was very very sad with our first. I had to work to support our family and DH didn't have anywhere near my earning potential. He returned to graduate school right when our second was born and after our maternity leave we hired a nanny. Fingers crossed, I may be able to stay home after the third is born and he graduates and gets a job.

DH was a great SAHD and really devoted ourself to our son. He dumped his huge tv habit (kids are tv free) and really worked hard. I never had concerns about how our child was cared for, I just wanted to do it.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Every day.  And I just re-enlisted for another 6 years because my career has so taken off that my husband would be unlikely to get a job that would allow us to keep the same life-style we have now.  I went back to work (full time military) when DS was 15 months and DD1 was 3.  Well, I was involuntarily mobilized.  DH quit the job he had in order to follow me to my posting (was stateside, so my family could go, though moving was at our own expense) It was supposed to be for 1 year.  It got extended for another year.  Medical issues tipped our hand and I went active duty and signed a 3-year contract.  DH's job hunt (aka, finding an agent/publisher for the book he spent the last 5 years writing) didn't pan out, so I signed another contract for 2 years.  He quit looking for a job (agent/publisher) and started another project (book).  He'd pretty much promised me that if he sold the book and we made $X, I could quit and be a SAHM--maybe reserves for medical.  I don't mind 1 weekend a month--give me something non-mommy to do.  Just this month, I had to re-enlist again.  He's trying to sell his book he wrote over the last 2 years.  He's starting another, as he now has 6 years more "breathing room".  Makes me wonder if he's going to still try to aggressively sell his current book or just shelve it.

I do most of the housework, as well as work, as well as the "kid stuff" as long as it does not interefere with work.  Many times, dinner is leftovers because I'm the only cook in the family and often I don't feel like cooking.  He does clean and do other stuff when he has no other choice.  We had a third baby 2 years ago.  DS and DD2 both have special needs and he does handle their therapy appointments.

Although I do believe in my husband, I'm starting to regret allowing this dynamic to have lasted so long.  We've given up his potential income for the past 7 years.  But, given the therapy and doctor appointments for our two younger kids, he may have had trouble keeping a traditional job.  We got into a lot of trouble financially because I was loathe to tell DH that "no, we can't afford that" when he wanted something, so I'd whip out the credit card or something to cover it, then the groceries and gas for the month.  But, we are working through that. The other issue is that if I were to say "I've had enough, I want out", he'd be sitting pretty for custody of the kids (as the primary, more stable parent--I have a chance of being deployed at any time) and getting spousal support from me (we've been married over 10 years)--basically, I'd just be turning my paycheck over to him, anyhow, with none of the benefits of being married.

[anjelika]

Don't do it!  Recipe for resentment!

Normally, I would try to put a positive spin on it, but having lived that life for eight years (me working FT, him SAH or in school) I can't any more.  I regret my decision, all the wasted time in a career I never wanted, all the time I didn't get with my son.  Some women like to be WOHMs, but if you feel you'd rather be at home, DO NOT put yourself in that situation no matter how sensible it may seem at the time.  Especially if your working just covers necessities - this is also my situation, and I feel I get NOTHING out of work but aggravation.

I'm getting out this summer upon the birth of our second child, even though it may involve cashing some investments.  So I guess you can say I never did come to terms with it. 

I hope that your family finds a better solution, and soon! :-)

[GuildJenn]

Taking care of one's family involves all the aspects of care IMO and that includes food and healthcare and housing.

And that usually takes a job. If you are in the best position to hold down a job and it makes the most sense for everyone, given the current job search climate, to have your DH at home - why wouldn't you do that? You guys are a team. I think you rock for being in a position where you can support your family - take pride in that!

I don't personally believe any parent gets to say "no way" to how to make the family work...at least to try it. (Within reason; I mean there are physical and mental health reasons for some people.)  There is no writing in stone that only dads provide or only mums get to stay home y'know?

On a practical level, see what you can do to fill your mothering well. Is it special breakfasts before you leave for work? Special bedtime rituals? Weekend picnics with "just mom"?  Or maybe it's one thing you ask your DH to reserve for you like only mum takes the kids to X park or whatever. If your DH can bring the kids to your work for a special lunch once a month or something too that could be cool...what I mean is, work on finding your touchstones given the situation.

Also make a plan for how you will step out of "just paying the bills."  Will your DH look again in 6 months? Will you work out something so he can network/stay in touch with people in his field? Take a course now and then to upgrade his skills? Whatever it is, working together on that might help too.

Your feelings are legitimate, but don't let them become a mire of resentment.

You  go!

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn 

Taking care of one's family involves all the aspects of care IMO and that includes food and healthcare and housing.

And that usually takes a job. If you are in the best position to hold down a job and it makes the most sense for everyone, given the current job search climate, to have your DH at home - why wouldn't you do that? You guys are a team. I think you rock for being in a position where you can support your family - take pride in that!

I don't personally believe any parent gets to say "no way" to how to make the family work...at least to try it. (Within reason; I mean there are physical and mental health reasons for some people.)  There is no writing in stone that only dads provide or only mums get to stay home y'know?

On a practical level, see what you can do to fill your mothering well. Is it special breakfasts before you leave for work? Special bedtime rituals? Weekend picnics with "just mom"?  Or maybe it's one thing you ask your DH to reserve for you like only mum takes the kids to X park or whatever. If your DH can bring the kids to your work for a special lunch once a month or something too that could be cool...what I mean is, work on finding your touchstones given the situation.

Also make a plan for how you will step out of "just paying the bills."  Will your DH look again in 6 months? Will you work out something so he can network/stay in touch with people in his field? Take a course now and then to upgrade his skills? Whatever it is, working together on that might help too.

Your feelings are legitimate, but don't let them become a mire of resentment.

You  go!

Bolding mine.  This exactly.  Talk often.  If you don't want it to be a permanent arrangement, ensure you guys are on the same page and know what he is doing and the expected timeline to position himself to switch to him being the breadwinner.  Otherwise, you will find yourself still the breadwinner and unable to quit your job as the years wear on, especially as you've received raises and promotions and your husband's skills have atrophied in marketplace relevance, and he is unable to find anything that will keep you guys in your accustomed lifestyle.

[sparklett]

This was me 3 years ago.  The plan was for me to stay home but DH lost his job when DS was 11 months old.  I went back to work, albeit I was lucky enough to work from home.  I resented DH so, so much for losing his job and not keeping up on his end of the parenting bargain.  It took a very long time but I finally came to terms with it.  One thing that helped was sitting down and developing a plan for our family.  The first step was for DH to quit looking for work in his field, which is completely defunct due to the economy.  Now, DH is in school and will go back to work full time when he finishes his master's.  At that point, I'll go back to staying home or working only as a consultant.  His way of "contributing" is as DS' primary caregiver and via income from scholarships from school.  Having that plan in place really helped.

It was really difficult to relinquish so many of my duties of the SAHP and it's still a bit of a contentious spot between DS and I.  I have found that I do much better when I take plenty of time with just DS and I, where I am the parent in charge and the two of us are hanging out together.  DS and I go out on a "date" every Saturday- the park, the zoo, museums, etc., and those things help me internally reaffirm my place as the mama.

I won't lie, it's hard to do this when you go into parenthood expecting one thing and then something else happens.  Our plan was for me to stay home for five years, have two children during that time, and then go back to work.  Because DH lost his job, everything is different... but now that we've finally adjusted it's actually pretty good!  Yes, I still sometimes finding myself feeling a bit resentful to DH over this, but then I remind myself that things could be worse and that we're now in a BETTER place than we would have been if he was still employed.  It's bittersweet.

I echo the sentiments of the other posters with the suggestion that you have a plan in place.  How long will this arrangement last?  Is there anything DH can do to contribute,outside of being a SAHP, such as going back to school or consulting? 

[sawingjello]

Thank you all for wonderful words of advice.  From reading what you all have written, I know we need a definite plan before we jump into this arrangement.  For now, we are having DH keep his part time overnight work, but he is going to cut down to 4 nights a week so he can watch DS all day Friday.  He is going to continue to look for work.  If he doesn't find something soon, then he will look for a weekend job like waiting tables for a breakfast place (actually decent money for not many hours). He will watch DS during the week as well as look for jobs/possibly take classes.  He is also working with a lawyer and some other co-workers of his about how they lost their jobs. 

You are right that I don't want to jump into this without a plan for a way to switch places in the future.  DH and I are agreed that as soon as possible, we will trade places and that is the goal we are working towards.  I am a huge feminist, but even so I want to be able to be with my son as much as possible.  I have momma friends who told me that it may be more fun when DS is a bit older anyway, and we can go do fun things during the day.  They assured me that at this age (7months) he won't remember much that I am gone all day.  This made me feel better.

I like the suggestion of "filling the mommy well" in the mean time.  I get to do his bed time routine each night, and wake with him each morning.  I hardly put him down on the weekends.  :)  I am feeling hope now that this is temporary, and the best thing we can do for now.

I commend those of you that have been doing this for so long.  2lil, you are a great, strong momma and your kids will always know that.  Thank you everyone for your great input.  It is very helpful and appreciated.

[rhianna813]

In our situation we wanted someone to be a SAHP and early on I didn’t want it to be me. DH was very interested so we decided he would quit his job when my maternity leave was over. I figured he’d last a few weeks and then crack under the pressure LOL But he is going on 7 years….

At first it seemed good because DH was the On Call parent at night so I could sleep. He was really good with the diapers too and pretty much “owned” that job. I was always so fearful that being a SAHM would make my lonely and depressed. Plus my job paid more and had better benefits. DH hated his job.

Our biggest mistake was not talking out our expectations and all the “what if’s” that change your initial plan. Like what if the economy goes belly up and you can’t get a great job overnight? Or what if I get laid off? I almost did.

DH is a great Dad but he does not do housework or cook, or really put a ton of attention into DS social needs. DS watches a lot of TV instead of going to playdates. DH feeds him the easiest meals with no variety and is not good about seeing upcoming illnesses or milestones. But DH and DS are incredibily bonded. DS is an amazing boy and not having him in daycare has been the best decision.

 A lot of tasks most SAHM’s do fall on my shoulders when I am not working. Sometimes I feel like a single mom who has a male Nanny (with benefits) hahahaha Sometimes when my car is broke down on the side of the road and I can call DH to come get me in 10 mins – I am thankful!

What DH is good at is making side money because he is very creative. He is also saves us money by taking our garbage directly to the dump and chopping our own firewood. He likes to shop at Goodwill and loves Craigslist for free deals. Our house feels safe because he always home.

I now realize how much I’d love to be a SAHM and be able to get the housework, shopping and cleaning done during the day – not after work or on the weekends. And hang out with other moms and kids. And join co-ops and do more gardening, canning and sewing to save us money while enjoying hobbies I already like.

Financially we’ve taken a huge hit and know DH is starting to look for work again. But he is very much out of the loop with that. He is also not really interested…. Blah.

The SAHD and WM scenario depends very much on the individual family and your ability to communicate often, in detail and honestly.

[mtchen79]

Me! I would love to switch! However, I have an extremely stable job with excellent benefits - other than that I have no passion for my job and would rather be home with the kids (my real passion), the job actually allows us to have a lifestyle that wouldn't be possible if it were the other way where DH is working. As far as coming to terms with the situation, it is difficult. I especially get annoyed when DH complains about being home with the kids and how much they wear him out when virtually no housework gets done and I still do bedtime, dinners, etc and kid duty on the weekends/evenings. What I have realized, though, is that although DH doesn't mind being home with the kids, this is not his dream even if it is mine and I cannot make my dream be his dream so coming to grips with the idea that we do have different ideals was important. We can't really switch places though because I do have student loan debt to pay off (not a small amount) and don't really want to saddle someone else with being responsible for the payments. From a financial perspective, the family is stable and everyone is cared for. From a mental/emotional perspective, DH and I would like to swap places but DH would not necessarily enjoy working full-time with adults as he might be a better self-employed individual and we aren't going to go that route yet while the kids are still young, someday maybe though.

[hildare]

much of the time, i wish we could switch.. but then again, we're really good where we are.  i woh ft, dh is home with dd.  he cooks.  we have a farm, so he does most of the outside/farm stuff when i'm home on the weekends.  i do the childcare the rest of the time when i'm home, and our dd is pretty intensely needy right now.  it's working for us, but i get very wistful.  i think about all the fun things we could be doing, and it's pretty hard to not get to do any of the farm work.  i know things will change later on when dd is more independent.  i also do the housework, which is a big strain.  we've just started thinking about getting a little help with the cleaning, but that, too, is difficult, i have major guilty feelings about purchasing a service like that. 

at any rate, it's possible to be somewhat satisfied with the arrangement (and i'd probably not be totally happy even if i was a sahm) but my advice would be outline the who-does-what pretty carefully before committing.  and if you have no ideological opposition to help, like a childcare person or cleaning person to alleviate some of the stress for either of you, give that some serious thought-- i know you're just earning for the bills right now, but some folks will barter, especially for childcare...  it seems like less of a big deal beforehand than it turns out to be later, the cleaning, i mean....

also, one thing to remember is that your situation will change, and change again, maybe a weekend job will appear for your dh, or something.. the stay at home situations for most people i know seem more fluid than fixed.