DH left a week ago and will be gone for 2 months, then is moving out permanently when he gets back. I have real anxiety around being on my own and I’m at the point where I’m in tears and/or a state of panic almost all day every day. I work full time and I’m now on my own with my two children, trying to manage a full time busy job and picking up/dropping off the kids at two different schools, managing the household, laundry, groceries, taking out garbage, making lunches/dinners, etc. (all the things that go in to managing a job, house and children). I also have issues with anxiety and panic attacks. DH has told me he expects lifetime support from ME, and I can see some manipulative ways he and his family have begun to play "dirty" to get this.
I spoke to a lawyer this week and the bank, and started to look in to how this is all going to impact my life. I am feeling nauseous, emotionally and physically like I'm about to just collapse and like I can't do it.
I told my “best” friend of 25 years that DH and I had decided to separate and she knew when he left. I told her how scared I was of being alone on my first weekend on my own. On Tuesday she said she spoke with another woman we know and that they really wanted to support me and be there so they were planning to come with their kids on the weekend to spend the night. She also suggested that maybe we book a hotel away with the kids (her and her husband and I, and the kids) one night on the weekend. We talked about getting adjoining rooms and how fun it would be for the kids. We left it on Wednesday that she would talk to her husband about which night we’d go away, (whom I know and like very much, he has always been very nice to me and encouraged our friendship) and the other woman about which day they would come over. I was really looking forward to both events. I hadn’t heard from her by this afternoon (Friday) so I sent her a text just asking if she had spoken to the other lady and/or her husband and knew what day they were coming over. She sent me a text message at 4:00 today (Friday) saying that her and her family are going away for the weekend, “sorry”. :(
I had also contacted my other friend of 7 years (I really only have two friends) and let her know what had happened, and that my DH had left and asked if she wanted to bring the kids over for dinner one night and let the kids have a pajama party and watch a movie, we could have a glass of wine, that I’d really enjoy the company. She said she would contact me later in the week and maybe we’d do it Thursday, Friday or Saturday. I hadn’t heard from her by tonight (Friday) so I called her. She said she would think about it and call me back. She called me back an hour later and just said she just wanted to stay home tonight and tomorrow night, (then proceeded to tell me how she had gotten together several times this week with another woman her and I know mutually, but that she has always told me she doesn’t really like). I was hurt that she spent so much time with this other woman and her kids, and seemed like she didn't want to see me at all.
My sister lives out of town, and was in town with her children staying at my mom’s house (10 minutes away) all week. She also knows what has happened and some of the anxiety and panic issues I’m having, and I’d told her and my mom several times how much I did not like being alone and didn’t want to stay home alone this week and weekend. I asked if they wanted to get together for dinner at a restaurant, they said they didn’t want to. I invited them over, they said they didn’t want to come. They are heading back home tonight after dinner, but didn’t want to get together for dinner before they left. (This is not unusual, she never wants to see me or my kids when she comes down, but I thought it would be different as she had told me on the phone last weekend that part of why they were coming down was to support me).
I am just feeling so rejected and like nobody cares about me, and totally abandoned. I don’t understand why nobody wants to see me. I have been trying to put on a brave face so it’s not like I’ve been going “on and on” about things, I’m trying really hard to just act normal. I try really hard to hide it but I can’t stop crying all day/night and I just feel like the biggest loser in the world – my husband doesn’t love me, my friends don’t like me or even want to be around me, my family doesn’t even seem to like me (this is an issue I’ve had for a long time, they tell me that the other talks about me behind my back and say all kinds of mean things). I just feel like I have no-one and like I’m totally alone.
Honestly, the only person I've felt like cares about me is my mother in law and I'm going to lose her in all of this. (I feel closer to her than my own mother in many ways). I'm just feeling like I can't raise two little children on my own, and maybe my DH doesn't love me b/c I'm not lovable, if nobody else really likes me, maybe there's a reason. I have never had a problem making friends and I honestly don't know what I'm doing to make people not like me. But I'm feeling like I can't do this and maybe I should stay in this crappy marriage if I'm going to be totally alone. Maybe I'm lucky to have anyone. DH is not very nice to me, but really wants to stay together (for financial reasons and says he doesn't want to be alone). I feel like he's all I have, and even that is not much.
I feel like I want to run away, but of course I can't - I have a mortgage and two children who need me. They are the most important thing in my life (and even that I feel like I'm screwing up, we recently found out my son has serious hearing and vision issues and I can't believe I didn't see it sooner).
Just needed to get this out. I dread going to bed as I know I will lie awake filled with anxiety and crying all night, and wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and lonely.
:( Anyone ever been this low and felt this alone like nobody in the world cares?