Your son sounds a lot like mine. 3.5 yo DS was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. I'm tired and don't have time to go into all the similarities before I fall asleep. But I highly recommend reading  Sensational Kids by Lucy Jane Miller  and visiting The Sensory Processing Disorder Resource Center.Â
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What's working for us: preschool. I was sad to send my ds off to preschool every day for 3 hours, but a regular routine was critical for him and I was struggling to provide that at home. He has his school routine down, eats lunch with me at 12:00, naps from 12:30-2. Then the rest of the afternoon follows a pattern until 6pm when we eat dinner. Bed at 8pm. Now that we've been "regular" for a few weeks, ds love the routine and life is easier. We also decided to medicate with a super low dose of clonidine. Different kid at the first dose. No negative side effects. We use a herbal sleep aid by Natural Factor. It's a chewable tablet. It helps him fall asleep after about 30 minutes.Â
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I didn't have time to read through all the replies, but I didn't see this suggestion when skimming through. Thought I'd just throw it out there.
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Lysa
Although I haven't had him formally eval'd for sensory issues, I did consider it. My oldest ds (not bio related) had/has an SPD dx and I have worked with a lot of sensory kids, and it just doesn't seem to fit him when I get to the nitty gritty of it. None of the techniques I know seem to help, for one thing, and I think I have tried them all lol if we continue down this path with no resolution or improvement, I will have him eval'd. As far as structure, yes! He goes to preschool FT even though I am now back home because he does so much better when his routine is not changed (as do a lot of adopted kids-there is security in routine for all kids, but especially for those learning a new family, even years out) weekends are harder because I just can't structure it as consistently as I would like with 2 other kids to consider.
We added the time released melatonin, and his sleep during the first part of the night has improved. He goes 4-5 hr without waking. But is still taking the same 4 stinking bottles, just on a different schedule. Although there have been 2 nights where he took only 2 or 3. Although concerned about the higher dosage, we tried a second time release dose in the middle of the night, and *he woke through it* for all of the bottles. Stopped the second dose after a few nights since it made no difference and was a lot of melatonin. Really feeling it is a need not a want as a result, though. On the upside, even that improvement in his sleep has helped his behavior a little. Have gotten unsolicited positive comments from his Bible class teacher at church, and intermittent comments about improved behavior at preschool. But lots of less than positives, too lol still hitting a lot, being defiant, and "busy". Much moreso than the other kids, and they have kept him in the younger of 2 classes his age because they are closer to his maturity level, and lower kid/teacher ratio. I'm really glad they love him and find him otherwise charming and funny! Lol
Oh, and he passed his hearing test with flying colors:)
