Coparenting with an abusive XH

[chicaalegre]

I am struggling with setting up realistic boundaries btween myself and STBXH and would really like to hear what others have tried or what has worked for you. 

Our divorce isn't final yet but most of the details we have come to an agreement on, after hours and hours of mediation and meetings with our lawyers. I feel uneasy about him spending significant time with our 1 and 4 yr old but have been advised that my chances of getting sole custody, were I to try for it, are basically nil. So, I have agreed to 4/14 and they spend M/T nights with their dad and I get to see them for a few hours on Tues afternoons. So this has us dealing with 4 exchanges during the week. 

He was increasingly controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive during our marriage (large part of why I initiated our separation and divorce) but after we separated he physically restrained me and sexually assaulted me on one occasion and raped me on another. He is extremely hostile and disrespectful and the anticipation of our exchanges always make me anxious and frequently goes badly, with him yelling profanities at me or otherwise being inappropriate in front of our kids. I reported the rape to and am working with my local DV shelter and have free attorneys and counseling through them, but I didn't file a police report. When it happened I felt so foggy about the whole thing that I didn't know what to do, felt kind of trapped because of money and child care needs and also felt afraid that reporting it to the police would exponentially add to the level of stress and chaos in our lives, since I would have to talk to numerous people and recount traumatic details when things are already really, really stressful. Now I feel like it might actually HURT my case to file a police report, since we're in the middle of this divorce and there is no physical evidence of anything, and my lawyer (who specializes in working with DV cases like this) agrees.

So, I'm trying to be realistic about what is and isn't enforceable but also do what I need to do to feel safe and to minimize my interactions with him--also of course to minimize my kids seeing him be so hostile toward me. As it is, the local supervised exchange program isn't available on the days/times that we need, so we are doing evening exchanges at my parents' house (with me having no contact with him) and daytime exchanges inside the local library, and occasionally at my daughter's therapist's office. He is frequently uncooperative, doesn't communicate with me about any details and ignores texts and emails (which is how we've agreed to communicate). I feel like he is doing things on purpose to control what he can and to mess with me--he will respond vaguely and after, say, 1-2 hours of me wondering what's going on, when I know he's getting the texts. He makes excuses about why he can't meet me at our agreed locations--I didn't give him the address, etc. when he is totally capable of gathering the necessary info. He won't use the notebook we agreed to use to give details about kid stuff (like when they napped, ate, moods, etc). He refuses to look into the schools I bring up when talking about our daughter, but won't give reasons why and gives me a few others to look at that are more expensive and not appreciably different in terms of curriculum/approach/etc. but he also hasn't given me any money since January and makes offhand comments about how he can't afford his bills (he has agreed to pay half of childcare/school costs but I'm not sure how that is enforceable. Does it come out of his checks like child support? How does that work with babysitters that come to my house?) and I feel like it's all of these little things, that I am confident he is aware of and doing intentionally, but that might look like I'm being petty if I bring them all up. I don't even know if it's worth it to document things at this point. The mediator actually told me that the judge "doesn't want to hear" anything about abuse btween spouses if there is no police record. 

I'm overwhelmed by feeling like he is going to continue to make things difficult and be uncooperative and controlling for, well, forever. I'm not sure what he actually has power over and what he doesn't (for example, I think I can enroll my daughter in school/daycare without his explicit consent, and he would have to take me to court to dispute it which I might just call his bluff on bc i don't think he can afford that).

I have considered giving up the few hours on Tuesday afternoons that I see my kids, because that would cut us down to 2 exchanges instead of 4. My son is only 1.5 and it breaks my heart to be away from him for a full 48 hours--he still nurses and I already notice that he is underresponsive when I pick him up--avoids eye contact and is quiet. It's also apparent that XH does minimal care--they are always wearing the same clothes I put them in, even with changes in their bag, my son is frequently given back in a totally over-full and leaking DISPOSABLE diaper, which means he must be in them for hours and hours since they hold so much. Maybe DS would be better off if he just spent the time straight through without having the visit with me, maybe not. I don't know. 

Any ideas or experience would be appreciated. 

[Kwan*Yin]

The exchanges at your parents and the public library are good. You already set up communicating via text and email which is great. At this point I can only say that just keep up your end and document his not responding to you prompty, bringing the kids back in dirty clothes and diapers etc because hopefullly that documentation could help you in the long run. The best you can do is not to be bothered by his actions because once he realizes that you are no longer affected by his actions he will eventually stop. It is a game and it is about control and abuse and you will need to find a way to be at peace with it and do your best to not be affected by it. I do still get bothered by my ex's abusive and controlling ways but for the most part I just don't care anymore. I can't control his actions but I can control my reaction to his behaviors.

[chicaalegre]

What did you do to take care of yourself that made it easier/more possible for you to "not care" about this game-playing? I feel really worried about my kids being with him when he is clearly so immature and his anger toward me is trumping his concern for them. He's also careless with car seats and has them in seats that barely meet minimum safety standards for their ages/weights and the seat belts are super loose and don't lock. Yesterday he walked and met me at the grocery store to exchange them and had my daughter in a stroller plus groceries and could barely carry our son while pushing the stroller/carrying groceries. I offered him a sling to safely carry DS and he refused it, then walked away with my son hanging by his torso with his arms all up by his ears, fussing. It's ridiculous. Intellectually I realize that I may have no control over this, but it makes me crazy. Any tips for how you "let go" of this stuff are welcome.

[Kwan*Yin]

I will admit it took a few years. I worked really, really hard on not letting my emotions get involved. I was became very agreeable and businesslike which meant he had nothing to fuel his abusive, controlling ways. I prayed and surrounded my kids in white light everytime they went to see him. Really it was all I could do but it gave me some piece of mind. Documenting everything helped quell my anger at him because I released my words on paper and also had it documented in case things went back to court. Also therapy. Alot of therapy has really helped.

[BabyBearsMummy]

chicaalegre is sounds like you have done a good job on ensuring your physical safety now for your emotional safety and that of you children.

I would not eliminate the Tuesday visit because it allows for you to change your DS and feed the children. Hold those children close in my experience a great cuddle does wonders for a child who is feeling disconnected.

And Document Document Document. When your ex is inappropriate or yells profanities in front of the children. Do not react abusers feed on our reactions. Your ex's abuse and his uncooperativeness and neglect of the children will only hurt him in the long run. The courts and the children will come to understand where his true values stand in the long run. Love and care for your children as you are to the best of your abilities. This is the greatest insulation you can give your children against neglectful hurtful parenting of their father. 

   The bad days will get farther and father apart as you continue on this new path for your family

[provocativa]

When your post count is high enough, join the Surviving Abuse forum here.  Find out what is legal as far as documentation in Michigan.  Here you can take recordings.  I don't know if a picture diary would be admissable in court, but you could start one to go with your log.  Take pictures as they leave in their clothes, when they come back, and the diapers.  See if the domestic violence counseling in your area counsels children.  The 4 year old is not considered old enough to lie, and here they can, with your permission, release information to the courts.  Also, figure out what needs to change to get the supervised visitation exchanges if need be.  Ask your lawyer, but I would think that if he doesn't respond to emails and texts, that then you are free to act as you see fit (choose a school).  If you have joint legal and physical then he should have some say, but if he isn't exercising it, then what you say about him having to take you to court is true.  And then, I would just not communicate with him unless it is life or death.  Hold out for hope that as he sees he can't affect you by controlling them, that he will minimize his visits with them.  Also, find out if he has joint custody if he is responsible for clothes for the kids and diapers and etc.  Documenting that he neglects them (doesn't change clothes) works in your favor right now, but technically he may be responsible for supplying his own stuff for them, or you could give him 'half' their clothes to keep at his place, and then that would minimize interaction and bags exchanged/conversations necessary when you meet to give him the kids.