pregnancy and body image

[imogenlily]

I'm 29 or 30 weeks pregnant, and I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying.

This baby feels like loss to me - I've lost my career, my financial stability, my health, and a body that I liked because of it.

I was starting to feel more comfortable with my body. It was really the first time I'd had soft curves or breasts to speak of. I'd let my hair grow out long and goddess-y, and I was starting to feel slightly better about myself. And then I went for a haircut, right before we were about to take maternity photos. It was getting a bit shaggy, since I hadn't cut it since October, and I just wanted a trim. There was a language barrier between the hairdresser and I, and he cut off several inches. It's now at my chin, and looks like it was cut with pruning shears. I feel like he took away my only redeeming physical feature at this point. I feel sloppy, overweight, and masculine looking.

I am so ashamed. Where I live, everyone is wealthy and well groomed and waits until they're in their late 30s to have babies. I'm 23. People are so rude and dismissive to me, and treat me like I'm irresponsible for even being pregnant. People on the street, health care professionals. Despite the fact that I'm in a stable and loving relationship, and have a university degree and fulfilling career.

I know I can't do my maternity photos now, and I don't even know how I'll be able to agree to pictures of me and the baby, right after he's born, even though I know it's important. I just want to hide. I can't bear the idea of having any of this documented.

I miss being pretty so much. Everyone was so nice to me, everywhere. I don't want to go through another six months of waiting for my hair to grow for people to be polite to me again! I also know that there will be saggy skin and stretch marks, and I'll never really have my pre-pregnancy body back. I just want to be invisible. I can't even stand leaving the house to run errands right now because I'm so ashamed.

I'm in cognitive behavioural therapy, but the therapist says my core beliefs about appearance (which I absolutely acknowledge are flawed and problematic) would be too hard to change, so she has me do breathing exercises and make goals about doing yoga more times per week, because she believes it's an anxiety problem and the only way to deal with it is to treat it symptomatically through relaxation. I think it's crap, honestly, but since I had to give up my job and therefore my benefits package because this pregnancy made me so sick, I have to take what I can get, which is this free, crappy therapist.

[zeusik86]

Dealing with body image during pregnancy is tough because your body changes in so many ways. But try not to think of it as something negative or something to be ashamed of. It's a natural part of life and believe it or not, it is temporary. Once you have your baby, your body will start returning to the way it was, and you can help this process move along by eating healthy and exercising whenever you get the chance. Things like taking a brisk walk ouside with the baby carriage, maybe even jogging with it, will help you lose the extra weight. Even breastfeeding helps because you use up more calories to make the milk.

Don't let other people's opinions make you feel bad about yourself. Spend as much time with people who you love and who support you. This should be an exciting time for you, just remember that all of this change is temporary and you will get back to your normal self after the baby is born.

[Jewels*]

I know how you feel right now.  It can be really hard.  You are doing important and beautiful work.  Love you body for being able to do what it is doing!!!  Do not feel ashamed!!

If it is available - book yourself something selfish - like a massage or pedicure or a new book.  Even a nice long bath.  Pamper yourself, for you

I know everyone is different but I had all the same thoughts and worries when I was pregnant too, but labouring and giving birth made me feel super-human and really proud of my body.  Think of it as "I am making this little tiny human!!! I can do anything!!!"

Love your body for being able to do grow a baby and know that it does get better.  (Everyone is different but I will admit i feel better about my body after I've had my DD than before...I have hips and breasts and a little booty now! I was HUGE during pregnancy but now I weigh less than I did pre-prg!)

[LLtheTinkerbell]

I hear you loud and clear and am sending loving thoughts your way.  That is some bad advice that your beliefs are too deep seated to get past - don't believe it! It's vicious, this women's oppresion, that our happiness is tied up in how we look. Imagine what amazing things we could accomplish if we didn't have to deal with these thoughts (or for a lot of us, obsessions) about the way we look. We are all pretty brainwashed in this culture. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do - it's a set-up! The best advice I can give is find someone who can listen to you, for a set amount of time, as you talk this out, cry and get mad about how unfair this stuff is, and spend some time appreciating yourself. You'll need to find someone who is willing to not give you any advice, just listen to you with love and appreciation. Letting these feelings out is the best way to feeling better - you've already been hurt, getting sad and mad about it is the way to get that hurt out and start loving your life and yourself again. Do this as much as possible - every day if you can, maybe with your partner? It's best if you can share the time - switch places after you've done some time and give that other person time to work on their hurts. It's miraculous stuff. 

Also remember, under all this pain and hurt, you are a good, intelligent woman, and you are doing an incredible thing by making another human being. We are so blessed as women that we can do this.

Love and hugs and I'm thinking about you across cyberspace.

[Kedrosami]

It can be so hard to be a woman in this warped and shallow culture. Have you visited theshapeofamother.com? You will see you're not alone and hopefully be able to re-frame your thoughts and start to love yourself more. It's hard, I know, but it's worth it to try, All the worry and despair about your looks truly is wasted energy! Recognize that you are amazing and beautiful!

[imogenlily]

I don't know how I can love my body this way when the shape of my body is making people be really, really rude to me. Every time I look at myself I anticipate how cruel they're going to be. I feel like my body as it is now just makes me vulnerable to cruelty. I really want to disappear.

I am having trouble getting excited about how amazing it is that I'm making a person, when I don't want to be pregnant. I guess it's amazing when other women do this, I just don't want to be doing it myself.

Thank you for support and suggestions. I do appreciate it, I just feel really hopeless right now.

[imogenlily]

I will say this: I was initially really excited about having a baby. I had a miscarriage last summer, and it did feel like a great loss, because having babies meant so much to me.

I really think that I've let people's reactions sour my experience of this. If I was not anticipating and dwelling on the reactions and criticisms of others, I would probably still be happier about being pregnant.

I don't know how to let go of this - I think being able to just live with people being rude to you is a skill it would take a long time to develop.

LLTheTinkerbell - your idea seems like it would really help and probably generally foster emotional reciprocity. I'm going to try to talk my partner into it, which shouldn't be too hard. He really wants to help.

Jewels - I actually like the idea of being a bit curvier than I was pre-pregnancy when this is over. I have a naturally boyish shape, and was starting to enjoy looking womanly. Right now I need to try not to let this un-womanly haircut get to me. Somehow my long hair was really what was helping me feel sexy in spite of bodily changes and ill health.

I think it's pretty awful that I'm having a planned baby in a fairly favourable situation with lots of support, and people have made me feel bad about it because I'm 23, and because I look younger than that.

[Marissamom]

 I'm having my second at 23, and it's amazing how how the pregnancy is making you feel can affect your body image. I've been a lot sicker and had a lot more problems this time around, and I've also had a lot more self-image issues. I do think you should still do your maternity pictures. maybe there's someone who can style your hair really cute or something? I think if you don't do them, you may regret it later. you don't even have to look at them until down the road though. get them on a disk and forget about them until you're ready to look. also, when people are making negative comments about you being young think to yourself "the way I look is temporary. this person will be an idiot for the rest of their life"

[penstamon]

Hugs mama, I'm sorry you feel this way.  Although pregnancy and the postpartum period do a number on my self-esteem and I think that is rather common, I wonder if you may also have some depression issues?  It seems that you are rather upset by the way you perceive people judge you and perhaps you are just being too hard on yourself.  I'm not trying to belittle any of your plight but I have had a lot of body image issues during my whole post-puberty life (so maybe almost 20 years).  Your insecurity can sometimes cloud or distort what you perceive to be reality- I am someone who hates cameras and mirrors because of this.  I agree that you should do your maternity photos- I had them done last time and photographers can work all kinds of magic, although I doubt you need that.  It may help to see how beautiful you are.  I also think that yoga, exercise and any sort of pampering may help you get back in touch with the beautiful inner you too and help you to shed the baggage of others judgments.  FWIW, I just got a bad haircut too but it has grown out some in the past few weeks and I have learned to live with it- give it time.  These are all things that you can change in time but you have to be easy on yourself in the present.  Have you thought about getting a cute maternity wardrobe to help you feel better?  You can find a lot of stuff used online or at consignment stores.

Having children does cause a woman to make a lot of sacrifices but it is so worth it.