Surrounded by nannies...

[physmom]

I feel a bit guilty posting this but I could use some advice.  We recently moved and there's a playground in our apt complex.  Anyway, I'm a working mom but DD won't be going full-time to her preschool for about another week (next week she gradually starts) so for the time being I'm at home with her. 

We've been going to the playground at least once per day and DD's made some "friends" but the problems is, is that I  have yet to meet an actuall parent.  We even went down today (Saturday) and it was only nannies with the kids. I'm not trying to judge here, like I said, DD is going to be in preschool full time soon (40hours a week), but I really would like to make some other mom friends too!  I've just been shocked by the sheer number of nannies here and am wondering how do I actual meet any of the mothers (FWIW, I don't live in the US and I have yet to find a local LLL group or API so I was really hoping to find some moms close to where we live).  If DD makes a bond eventually with one of these other kids do I ask the nanny to set up a playdate with the parents?  How does this work exactly?  Pretty much all my other mom friends have always been SAHM's so this is new territory for me.  

Just to avoid any confusion... the way DD's school hours work she won't go to school until 10/10:30 am in the morning so it's very likely that we'll be at the playground in the mornings before school so she'll probably have a chance to meet a lot of the kids while accompanied by their nannies, not just on the weekends.

[dalia]

Just ask the nanny of the child you would like to set up a playdate with how you can contact the mom to set one up. Then when you talk to the mom tell her you're new and would love to meet her.

[crunchy_mommy]

Plus there will be the moms from the friends she makes at preschool... maybe that will open some doors for you...

It must be a 'thing' down there... 'cause here, I've only ever met one nanny... but 75% of the kids I meet are with their grandparents all day. DS hasn't really made friends with any of them (i.e. at the park, story time, etc.) and most of our friends are from my mom's group on meetup. Is meetup just a US thing? I don't know what I'd do without it...

[Emma Bryan Fuller]

I would be just as happy to hang with the nannies and set up a playdate with them. I live in the Caribbean and my daughter 2 has very few friends. Any adult conversation would be a bonus for me! There are no playgroups I have found here either.

[HollyBearsMom]

Its not that hard.  Introduce yourself to the nanny, let them know you are new to area. They may not be a "mom" but they could still end up being a friend.  And as the other poster said, let the nanny know you want to schedule some playtime for your child and ask for the moms contact info, or offer yours.

I would also to offer to volunteer in your daughters classroom, a great way to meet other parents. In the mean time contact the school and ask for a parents contact list for your daughters class.  Call around and introduce yourself to the parents of your child's future classmates.  Not only will you meet new people but your child will be able to get to know some of the kids before she starts school.

[MsFortune]

My local park - it depends on the time you go.  During work hours, mostly nannies.  Evenings, or right after school (4-6ish) is more moms.  Weekends, oddly, more dads.  

Maybe try going at a different time?

[AislinCarys]

I used to be a nanny before DD was born (I trained as a teacher, but prefer 1 to 1), and may go back to nannying at some point. Several of the nannies I knew had kids of their own (nannying is a profession, so some were nannies before they had kids. And some chose to change career to something where they could bring their child. )

A few of the friends I made as a nanny, and arranged play dates with, were nannies (2 out of 4 were mums as well), but most of the friends I made were just mums. It doesn't matter, the nanny is there in the parents place. And she (or he, I guess, never met a male nanny) will be the one who has a relationship to her employer, and will arrange it. In other words, you'd approach the nanny and say you'd like a play date with her child, and here's your number. See, in my case (and all but one of the nannies I knew), it was all up to me to arrange play dates and the like on my time, and I think I would have been a bit offended if you'd tried to make friends with a child's parent through me (that is, if you already knew the parent and said: "Ask Anne to give me a ring, I'd like to meet up on Saturday", that's different. Because nannies network just as much as parents, and the groups overlap.

(I once went to a playgroup, with the little boy I cared for. When the mums there realized I was "just" a nanny they ignored me entirely. I never went back. )

[carmel23]

Originally Posted by AislinCarys 

I used to be a nanny before DD was born (I trained as a teacher, but prefer 1 to 1), and may go back to nannying at some point. Several of the nannies I knew had kids of their own (nannying is a profession, so some were nannies before they had kids. And some chose to change career to something where they could bring their child. )

A few of the friends I made as a nanny, and arranged play dates with, were nannies (2 out of 4 were mums as well), but most of the friends I made were just mums. It doesn't matter, the nanny is there in the parents place. And she (or he, I guess, never met a male nanny) will be the one who has a relationship to her employer, and will arrange it. In other words, you'd approach the nanny and say you'd like a play date with her child, and here's your number. See, in my case (and all but one of the nannies I knew), it was all up to me to arrange play dates and the like on my time, and I think I would have been a bit offended if you'd tried to make friends with a child's parent through me (that is, if you already knew the parent and said: "Ask Anne to give me a ring, I'd like to meet up on Saturday", that's different. Because nannies network just as much as parents, and the groups overlap.

(I once went to a playgroup, with the little boy I cared for. When the mums there realized I was "just" a nanny they ignored me entirely. I never went back. )

I agree with this.

[bremen]

when i was a nanny, i prefered to have mom friends, and i set up (and attended) the play dates. I was the one who was with the children all day. i even went to the kids doctors appointments, because i knew them better than the parents did.

there is nothing wrong with making friends with the nannies, and coordinating through them.

my day was surrounded by diapers, strollers, and nap times just like the mothers' days were. i had a whole lot more in common with moms than i did with the other 19 year olds i would meet downtown!

[dalia]

Right now my best friend is my son's nanny. She is on a vacation with us and I love her! I agree with the others.. why not just befriend the nannies?

[physmom]

Thanks everyone for the responses.  I don't think I really made myself clear in the original post and because of that there's some confusion. I definitely have nothing against nannies (DD used to have a part-time babysitter that I got along with very well) but since I am a full-time working mom it's pretty unlikely that I will be able to schedule any playdates during the weekdays.  Like I said in the original post in the mornings on weekdays we'd be able to go to the park but it'll be sporadic and not something we can plan ahead as much (DH and I will actually be switching off pick-up/drop-off times from DD's school so we can get a full days work in) so we'll probably be able to meet kids and play with them at the park then (and obviously talk to their caregivers during that time) but actual playdates would have to be set on the weekend when things are not that hectic. 

Sort of the same goes with volunteering with DD's school.  Unless it's a special occasion it'd be something hard for either DH or I to do.  Besides I'm not sure if they really have any parent volunteers there?  They definitely encourage parents to visit but it's a small Montessori school and the teacher/student ratio is very low so I'm not sure how'd they even need an extra helper at DD's level, especially since they encourage the children to self-direct their play/work and the children make their own food/clean up after themselves.    

I should say I'm not a native speaker here too so sometimes my social interactions are not always the smoothest transitions (and pretty much no one speaks English unless they specifically need it for their jobs).  I was actually thrilled this week when I had met the grandma of a little girl who was 2 years older than DD (and they were playing very well) because she spoke German (and not the local language) so I didn't feels as self-conscious when we were talking (and actually we spoke for a long time when the girls played) but it turned out that she was only visiting for 2 weeks and I felt awkward asking for a playdate with her daughter in law or son after meeting her just once.  The nannies that I have ran into so far didn't seem overly excited to talk to me (maybe they weren't interested in someone who's not entirely fluent?) so I'm hoping I have better luck later on.

[crunchy_mommy]

When DS was younger & I was still WAH full-time, it was almost impossible for me to get together with anyone. I was on the clock from 8-5pm and only had some nights/weekends to plan anything... during which I was usually exhausted... so I get what you mean... and you have the language issue as well...

Will there be other parents at your job? Could you make friends with them? Will your DD's preschool give you a contact list for the other parents? Maybe some of them work too & would enjoy getting together on the weekends?

Since I work 20 hours a week still I often prefer to get together late or on the weekends but all of our friends are SAHM's and want the nights/weekends for family time. You can't win lol...

I hope you find your niche there!!

[JudiAU]

You want to meet up with other parents so you can attend playdates with your child when you are not working? Right? Then you need to meet the parents when the parents are free. It isn't like you are setting up playdates during the day.

Go to the park on the weekend or whenever you have time and make friends then.

[darcytrue]

As long as the kids have someone to play with I wouldn't care probably. I've learned over the years with my 15 yr old and 8 yr old that a lot of people will come and go. Just let your child enjoy playing and if you want to talk to the nannies then do and if not then read a book. Next year or so it may be different. Different seasons bring changes.

[physmom]

So as it turns out I ran into a mom today with her DD who is a bit more than half a year younger than DD.  Anyways, she speaks English and we got along pretty well so there's hope for me yet (her and her DH actually just moved in a week ago too and are also foreigners).  We also ran into the German-speaking grandma and she was with her daughter-in-law so I got to meet her too and she seems nice. 

I actually did end up speaking with one of the nannies today.  She introduced herself  to me but then started asking a lot of questions about if I needed a nanny, if we wanted more kids, if we knew anyone who needed a nanny.  It turns out her current family is moving soon and she's looking for a job... There were some other nannies about but they just don't seems to be very interested in DD or myself.

Also, I get that kids this age are pretty adaptable but I'd love to have some local mom friends too.  At work there is 0 chance of that.  My boss does have a kid but they are in a very different stage of life (she'll be going to college soon) and live pretty far away from us.  Beyond that everyone is young and single or much older with grown up kids.  There's nothing wrong with either of those options and I definitely have friends in both categories but I've found it's REALLY nice to have some good mom friends close by to make playdates with.  Plus, DD still talks a lot about her two best buds from our old city and was clearly very attached to them. 

crunchy_mommy- thanks for understanding what I'm getting at.  It's hard to explain these things over the internet at times.

[carmel23]

I would just keep showing up... the nannies are just doing their job, and there may be cultural thigns at play preventing them from gushing over you, yk?

I would seek the preschool list.  School has always been the best route for friends (for both kids and us parents).

I would also allow your daughter some time to adjust without having to make friends right away... in a new city it takes some time to learn about the new you and make friends with that person before inviting someone else into the equation...

[Irishmommy]

Nannies are people too. It's actually even possible to be friends with nannies. Especially since if you set up a playdate where the adults all stay, it's the nanny that will be there.

[physmom]

I'm going to have to stop this conversation.  I'm starting to get REALLY offended by the assumption that I have something against nannies and that people have to "gush" over me or that nannies are not people too. 

Both my daughter and I have been starved for friends for the past couple of months.  We were staying with the in-laws in a ghetto.  We heard gun shots on the street occasionally at night and it was NOT a safe place for her to go outside, go to the park or do much of anything.  She is a very social child and has kept asking non-stop for friends.  I'm sorry if you don't understand but that's the way she is.  As a child living there DH actually saw a dissevered head on his doorstep at one point, the neighborhood is better now but still...  We're finally in a safe place and she's thrilled to see all the kids around!

If I were to find a nanny/child pair that DD and I both got along with, the nanny could be patient with my languages skills AND were around on weekends (or lived close by) I would have no problem with that.  But as of yet I have not met a nanny/child(ren) pair that fits that criteria.  One nanny wanted to be hired and the other two I met did not want to talk to me (and their kids with them were very rude to DD.  One girl spent the entire time glaring at DD and screamed at her if DD came near and the other two kids with another nanny wouldn't let DD use any of the equipment and the girl spent the entire time bossing DD around). 

So I'm sorry if I've had more luck thus far with the 2 parents I have met.  One SPOKE ENGLISH and that's a big deal to me and the other was actually from the same city as DH (where we were for the past 2 months) so we had something in common.  

[dalia]

It is HARD to make new friends when you don't speak the language. People don't understand what it's like. Also, whether you are a mom or a nanny or whatever, it's tough to feel accepted when you're the odd man out.

[colsxjack]

Making friends with nanny's would be difficult. I find that here there is a good mix between nanny's and parents, but there is not much mixing between the groups. Sure, people are friendly and the kids sometimes play together, but there are few close friendships made. I am not sure what it is all about, but it is a reality. The nanny's there probably are not wanting to make friends with a parent, as that is mixing the boundaries between themselves and their employers, especially if that parent is a foreigner who speaks another language.

I would say your best bet would be through the school. Maybe have a meet and greet party, or easter egg hunt or something. That way you can invite her preschool over, or to a local park, and meet some kids and parents on a Saturday?