Edited by andimama - 3/20/11 at 6:47am
In that case, couldn't we argue that postpartum lasts long after the few months after babies are born? After all, it literally means "after" and "birth". Just sayin'.
Plus, on the poly thread there's lots of talk of phsyical intimacy. Nothing graphic, all appropriate and it spawns very helpful discussions!
Well, I am poly so I can say if I lack sex with one partner (stress, work etc), I have another who is willing. So, it is never a global problem for me . This is why I really do not know how mono people do it. To me it is like having only one kind of grocery store to rely on...if it closed, you are starving .
I think where there is lack of sex in the relationship it is important to identify what causes the issue as a first step:
1) The partner has medical issue :see a doctor, perhpas low thyroid function, hormonal dysfunction, diabetes or clinical depression, PTSD or being overweight. Then do what corrects those issues :take medicine, loose weight, see a therapist, take an anti-depressant that does not cause libido suppression (Wellbutrin is among them)
2) There is interpersonal issue better partners. People who're resentful or mad t each other are not going to go at it in the bedroom. What causes anger or resentment? Sometime a simple conversation is enough sometime couple counseling is in order.
3) Stress. Not enough time. Had sex so long time ago that it is hard to re-start and feel weird. In this case scheduling time together can help. Notice I did not say sex, but time together. Get a babysitter and go see a movie, have dinner, dance or take yoga classes together. I know, strange taking care of you baby is bad but so is living in the family full of resentment or strife or surviving separation of your parents. Pck a lesser evil from a babysitting co-op with other parents.
Fit in simple ritual at home such as taking nice bath together at the end of the day. My DH and I do it...sometime it leads to sex and sometime it doe snot but it is always good time full of touching and love. Figure out how the stress can be reduced and how more time can be created.
4) Different libidos. Perhaps the person you are with has libido lower than your or is asexual . You can a) accept and suppress you own libido. b) buy toys and amuse yourself. there many store that ship in discreet brown paper packaging. c) Cheat (I do not recommended that but people do it d) Convert your family to a poly family and find another partner or two with whom you can have fulfilling sexual relationship. (Make sure they are not asexual)
so i was the one who posted this thread and i didn't mean to delete it! i wanted to edit it and deleted the whole thing instead and i couldn't figure out how to delete the whole post so the subject stayed! i am surprised, however, that discussions about intimacy aren't 'allowed' here at mothering. i feel, especially in the lesbian parenting world, that it's a big issue and this seems like a great, safe forum to get some support and have a good discussion about it.
This was an issue between my ex-wife and I. At least on my end. And there were no kids around, just lots of stress, and tiredness, and emotional issues, which created distance, so there was less desire, etc. We tried to keep a level of "intimacy", but it got to a point where even that was lacking. Because I never "fessed up" that it was way more important to me than it seemed to her (we'd talk about it on occasion, but her points about intimacy being more than sex, etc, were always so sincere, and I would try to see them, and accept them, etc), the problem only got worse. Until the desire was no longer there at all. I wanted her in my life, but needed more, and she deserved more than I was giving as well. Our breakup was not pleasant, and basically I just left because of the stress of the fertility issues and all that on top of everything else. The point is--sometimes, sex takes work. The less you have (especially women), the less you want...and then the less you have...and...it's a vicious cycle. Avoiding ruts is ideal, but if you find yourself in one, take the advice listed above: if the change is sudden, it could be an emotional/medical cause. If it's gradual, especially if it's just time/stress related, MAKE the time. Remember how good it feels. Remember how much of a connection you can feel when you really are intimate with someone. And aim for intimacy. Plan intimacy. If it leads to sex, which it very well might, that is a good thing. It will build (and/or rebuild) the bonds of love you feel. If not, you still have those moments of being deeply connected, and will look forward to the next time you get a chance to be with your SO like that again.
I just wanted to concur that I think this is a totally appropriate topic for this forum -- where else are we going to find a safe space to talk about these really important issues? When intimacy between the parents isn't going well, baby is going to feel it. So I hope that policy changes. My DW is 12 weeks pregnant and sex has already changed somewhat -- not worse, just different because we are both aware that there is another living growing being inside. I would love to hear more about how other people have dealt with the myriad issues that can surround sex and parenthood.
Also, a friend just gave us the book The Mother's Guide to Sex and it helped me understand some of the basic things my DW's body is going through that may affect our intimacy with one another.
You can talk about sex here (within reason):
We're a bit more uh, relaxed about things that are discussed around here these days. Sex discussion is going to be ok as long as its not too graphic.
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I'm double excited. Thanks!