post #1 of 1
3/20/11 at 4:17pm
Thread Starter 

I've raised my almost 4-year-old daughter with respect, with choices.  I've practiced AP.  I've practice what seemed to be so many positive ways to raise a child.  Some that most of you probably wouldn't agree with (like making dear child TRY food I prepare).  Yet, here I am at a loss of how to handle my child and I need help.  After today, I sent dear child to stay with grandma for 3 days while I make a plan on how to deal with dear child and re-group. 

 

One rule I am firm in is trying food.  I require one tiny bite.  If dear child doesn't like the food, I will make her something else to eat.  If dear child does like it, well 'nough said--that's what she eats.  If dear child does NOT try the food, she receives absolutely nothing except water until she TRIES the food.  She's gone to bed hungry a total of 3 times...

 

The first time, it took her 24 hours of stubborness to TRY the food, only to discover she LOVED it and asked for more.  That dish is one of her favorites now. 

 

The second/third time was recently.  Dear child loves brocoli.  She gloats to family members and her friends about how much she LOVES brocoli.  I made one of her favorite brocoli dishes and included EXTRA brocoli because she usually eats her and my brocoli all gone.  After serving the dish with extra brocoli, "She doesn't like brocoli anymore.  It's yucky."  She managed to go without food for 48 hours.  THAT'S how stubborn she is.  I finally gave in and fixed her something else. 

 

I know some of you many not agree with "starving" her but that is my rule.  I don't make her eat something she honestly doesn't like.  I just request that she TRIES it.  If she doesn't like it, I back off.  If she does like it, I expect her to eat it in the future.  If she was a child in the depression era, she'd eat the food put on the table or she wouldn't eat it--whether it were ham-n-beans or nothing but bread.  I don't have money to throw around.  I don't believe in giving the child a pbj or an apple in place of the dinner I've prepared (unless she tries it and honestly doesn't like it).

 

Recently....

 

She told a family member, concerning a safety issue, "I can do anything I want!  I don't have to listen to anyone!" 

 

She ran away from me at the park after I repeatedly yelled "stop!".  She almost made it to the road before I caught up to her.  When I got near to her, she ran further.  Once I caught her we left the park immediately. 

 

She tells adults what they are or are not going to do.  Like she'll tell her father, "You carry my coat because I don't want to." "You wipe me because I don't want to."  "You take me to the bathroom because I don't want to go by myself."  "You pick my shoes up because I don't want to."   (This seems very selfish to me.  Much of what she's doing seems very selfish.)   

 

She sits and rocks in her chair, while she watches me clean her room.  She's too tired to help me.  I want her to be a KID.  I don't want her to "work" but I do want to see an effort on her part.  We've been discussing this.  I told her I'd start giving her an allowance ($3/week) if she helped clean her room.  She could buy gum or a small toy or whatever.  Still, she refuses to pick up one little toy.  I told her today, "You need to start picking up your rooom.  When I'm finished cleaning the kitchen, I'm going in your room.  Whatever I pick up belongs to me until you learn to start picking up your toys."  She didn't pick anything up.  I collected 1.5 garbage bags of her toys that are stored in the attic for now.  She crossed her arms and very bratt-ily said, "That's ok.  You can have those toys.  I still have all of THESE toys."  And she smiled this bratty smile. 

 

She's like a brick wall.  Time-outs don't work.  Bribing (I'm embarrassed to admit) don't work (cupcake after you finish your banana, allowance, etc).  Taking things away doesn't work.  Starving her doesn't work.  I'm convinced my child WOULD die from starvation because she's so stubborn!  I know some people think of being stubborn as a good thing....being "strong willed" but I see her behavior as pure ugliness.  If she wasn't my kid, she'd be one of those kids most of us can't stand being around. 

 

Her dad thinks because I've raised her WITH choices, this is why she's being like this.  I've always pulled out 2 outfits and let her choose.  Let her choose a pant-outfit or a dress.  Give her choices on how she wants her hair fixed.  Given her choices of meals (would you like peas or carrots with dinner tonight?).  I usually ASK her to do things instead of telling her to do them (could you please pick up your coat and hang it?).  I usually don't have problems out of her.  Usually I hear, "Of course, mama!".  But here lately, she's some child who I don't know.  Ugly on the inside.  And I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do. Should I take away her choices?  Should I prepare eggs for breakfast even though she wants porridge?  Take ALL of her toys away until she earns them back?  (She is VERY spoiled.  The kid has an enchanted magical kingdom in her room.  Dad and grandma's constantly giving her things.) 

 

What?  What can I do to rid this horrible behavior from her?  I have 3 days of solitude to re-group and come up with a strategic plan for when she returns. 

 

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